I am just a bit dozed off now.. Just thinking a million things. How I want to change everything around me. I want to change me from the inside. I want to be free of the hole I placed my self into the past 5 years. I always thought it was an inevitable devouring hole that I could not get out of. A hole I kept trying to get out of only mentality, but my heart was too weak. It was weak from many things. Too many sad events in my life that brought me a mental shock. It was due to rejection, backstabbing, and endless cries at night with no one to talk to. No one would listen to the cries I had inside. It was all inside me. I think for the past two weeks I have managed to slowly take all the pain out. Trying to slowly cope with my normal surroundings and accepting things for what they are.
It’s funny how I see people now. I see them in a different light. I feel everyone has a pure heart inside of them and I think I can only see that part of them now. I no longer feel and believe that other’s negative feelings and actions is really an overpowering factor. I feel people are as lost as I am. People that take that negative idealogy and only show it to others. I ignore that now. I see it that the person who sits next to me on the bus is no different then me. No one is negative nor postive at all. People just mask them selves with negative thoughts and actions to hide their purity. To hide what they think will portray them as weak individuals. Since when is positiveness a weakness? I don’t know. Maybe I am just confused. I have always been confused. Why people hide their true feelings? Why people express their feelings in a fake and secritive manner? What puzzles me more.. that those who do express them selves with innocence and serenity are the ones who suffer the most? Others reject them due to that expression and honesty. That mask can be removed, but how? And when….
I know I am trying to be a bit more philosphical, but I just have many thoughts. Many questions. I think it is the questions I never asked my self. I never went out of my way to ask… why me? Why am I this person? Why do the things around me affect me this much? Should it affect me? Should it even be a part of me? Why do I allow it to affect me? What am I really supposed to do with my life? Why others say sometimes that you should not have done that; you will ruin your life. You should have done this instead? But why? How would I know? Isn’t everything suppose to happen without my control? What am I suppose to control? I cannot control my destiny.. It is all written on a leaf.. It is hanging there until it withers and falls.. nothing I can change.. nothing will change.. just have to accept things and go on.. but no need to hide anything anymore.. what is meant to happen will happen.. what is meant to be said is said.. no one can control their destiny.. it controls them… until the end..