Well.. I had a wierd dream last night about “him”.. maybe I was too harsh on him and not very understanding.. but I am like that most of the time.. only because I am way too emotional and my heart thinks for me instead of my brain.. (that’s why I never watch sappy movies).. anyways.. yah.. so my dream was wierd.. I don’t want to get into the details.. but obviously in the end I was the guilty bitchy girl.. and I felt guilty and bad.. for the first time in a week I was actually thinking about him.. I donno.. but I know he most likely does not want to talk to me ever again.. I am not his favourite person right now.. that’s for sure..

Anywho.. it’s hot today.. I just took a shower and cooled off.. this change of weather is a little extreme for me.. poor me.. hehehe.. I just need fans and air conditioning.. the bus on the way back was air conditioned.. so nice.. aaah..

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I feel that my life is like an empty vault.. I can only hear the echo in my head.. The words that keep permeating inside my head that will soon drive me insane.. All I hear is my self. My self. No one to trust anymore. No one to talk to or feel comfortable talking with. Everyone has become mezmorized in their own little worlds that satisfy their own needs.. People are selfish and untrustworthy.. no one to really trust anymore but my own instincs… no one by my self.. Why do things change suddenly over night? Why can’t things be the same.. I don’t like change.. Not sudden change… gradual change is ok.. we all change.. but not suddenly.. not instantly to the worse.. I wish people just sit there and think about others for once.. I am just too nice.. I always forget about my self.. that’s my problem.. I don’t want to be nice anymore.. but I cannot help it.. I never learn..

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Well well.. You would think life would get any better.. no.. just people around me continually get worse.. I don’t know why some people act so selfish.. I know I am not the most fun person.. I do not go out to clubs or bars or hang out with guys.. it’s not my thing.. I may be “rebellious”.. but only in my thinking.. only in the way I want to portray my self.. I am very traditional person.. and I follow my own rules and make sure people around me are not offended by it.. but why do people not accept that.. I have no clue.. why people lie.. why people treat me like I am the last person on their list.. but when they need something then “Mona can do it”… Why am I only there when I am needed for assistance.. why am I never needed as a friend.. never needed as a listener.. .. ..
I know I am blabbering about something and trying to be vague.. all I can say sometimes going to the movies alone is a better thing.. why wait for people.. why people promise and brake it without telling you.. it really hurts.. I think some people think who cares about Mona.. she is no fun.. .. well FUCKEN SORRY I am not..

Anyways.. I watched the Da Vinci Code.. 2.5 hours.. my ass hurted!! It really did.. I kept moving around in my chair cuz I couldn’t sit still for so long.. The movie was ok.. and I mean it.. it’s not that I read the book and thought the book was a 100 times better.. but that I couldn’t stand that French actress who played Sofie.. she was horrible.. so un-natural.. Tom Hanks was disappointing too.. he didn’t have that much enthusiasm into his role.. it was so over acted.. only people who acted well was the Albino guy and Lee.. that was it.. Ohh.. so disappointing.. I give it two thumbs down for bad acting.. as for freaken changing the ending.. for freaken changing the story.. for removing key points to the story.. aakh.. so disappointing.. waste of time..

Waste of money!!

Angry, Ranting as usual!, Whatever!

I am just a bit dozed off now.. Just thinking a million things. How I want to change everything around me. I want to change me from the inside. I want to be free of the hole I placed my self into the past 5 years. I always thought it was an inevitable devouring hole that I could not get out of. A hole I kept trying to get out of only mentality, but my heart was too weak. It was weak from many things. Too many sad events in my life that brought me a mental shock. It was due to rejection, backstabbing, and endless cries at night with no one to talk to. No one would listen to the cries I had inside. It was all inside me. I think for the past two weeks I have managed to slowly take all the pain out. Trying to slowly cope with my normal surroundings and accepting things for what they are.

It’s funny how I see people now. I see them in a different light. I feel everyone has a pure heart inside of them and I think I can only see that part of them now. I no longer feel and believe that other’s negative feelings and actions is really an overpowering factor. I feel people are as lost as I am. People that take that negative idealogy and only show it to others. I ignore that now. I see it that the person who sits next to me on the bus is no different then me. No one is negative nor postive at all. People just mask them selves with negative thoughts and actions to hide their purity. To hide what they think will portray them as weak individuals. Since when is positiveness a weakness? I don’t know. Maybe I am just confused. I have always been confused. Why people hide their true feelings? Why people express their feelings in a fake and secritive manner? What puzzles me more.. that those who do express them selves with innocence and serenity are the ones who suffer the most? Others reject them due to that expression and honesty. That mask can be removed, but how? And when….

I know I am trying to be a bit more philosphical, but I just have many thoughts. Many questions. I think it is the questions I never asked my self. I never went out of my way to ask… why me? Why am I this person? Why do the things around me affect me this much? Should it affect me? Should it even be a part of me? Why do I allow it to affect me? What am I really supposed to do with my life? Why others say sometimes that you should not have done that; you will ruin your life. You should have done this instead? But why? How would I know? Isn’t everything suppose to happen without my control? What am I suppose to control? I cannot control my destiny.. It is all written on a leaf.. It is hanging there until it withers and falls.. nothing I can change.. nothing will change.. just have to accept things and go on.. but no need to hide anything anymore.. what is meant to happen will happen.. what is meant to be said is said.. no one can control their destiny.. it controls them… until the end..

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I wonder why people who don’t know me hate me so much.. I donno.. Would I hate someone I don’t know personally.. I don’t think so.. I would hate people who offend me and my family.. and that’s about it.. other then that.. I have no reason to hate anyone.. I guess people out there have a lot of hate and anger in them that they have to hate people for no reason.. I donno.. but all I could say.. God help us all!!

Amen to that!!

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