Feeling jinksed!

I have this feeling. It is so irritating. I feel that someone is constantly thinking of me and thinking badly of me. That everything that I do in my life is becoming worse. I have this major problem of being rejected and not applying my self to the fullest. I have fear now of confronting any problem. I use non-human ways of communicating. I have become this shadow in a virtual world.

I donno what to do. I really want to just stop everything and go back to my old self. When I was cold hearted and got things done. Now I feel weak and too sensitive and emotional. Is it that I am getting old? Is it that I have been devestated and rejected by the only person that I loved? I donno. I think I really want to free my mind from life. I just want to sit in an empty room with nothing around me but white walls and just stare at it. No distractions and see how long I will last.

I think I have severely damaged my life. I have ended up at a spot in my life that I should not be. If I roll back 5 years and have taken a different direction I would not be at this job. Not in a million years. I would have not been this weak. I would have never liked computers. I used to hate computers. I used to reject and redicule those who wasted their time on it that I ended up that. I think I got sucked in to the black whole of doom. Now I cannot get out. I cannot change unless I completely leave this city. This country. Change every detail of my life.

I want to go back to the old me. I don’t know how. I enjoyed it and I had something to live for. What am I living for now?

Angry, Random Thoughts