Well, today I decided to buy a brand new desktop computer. I don’t know why. I just felt like getting one. No reason. I really didn’t need a new one. I barely use my current one for anything, but I thought, why not? I have all this money and I don’t use it. I don’t know what to use it for. I might as well start the wave of heavy duty purchasing. I mean seriously. What am I going to ever use money for? I mean sometimes I wonder why I work. To just go shopping? Is that why I work? So I will just spend it all on anything..

Anyways, it will take me a while to spend it all, but I got to start the 1000+ purchasing sooner or later. I mean you only live once, might as well enjoy it since I will never really need it for any future commitments. Spend spend spend.. that is my new motive for life. Screw people. Screw everything.. I will work to spend it all!! I want to actually feel at the end of the month that I am broke. :lol: I wonder how that feels? hmm

Blah Blah, Sleepy Post

I was out half the day today. I just needed to leave my room and out of the house. I was out and about from store to store, and I went with my mom because she was looking for new curtains for the new family room my parents bought. As we were going from one home department store to another. I kept looking at stuff. Furniture, and house hold appliances. Than thinking to my self. Will I ever buy a set for me ever for the future? I know I am going back to the same old complaints and life’s old problems. It just got me thinking. I don’t think I ever will. I was completely heart broken and devastated and betrayed that my anger escalated to a point of me wanting to commit suicide and just end this pathetic life of mine. I have been constantly trying to pretend to be happy and smiley and trying to make the best of a bad life. Especially the past 5 months where he didn’t even want to be my friend or have anything to do with me because he thinks he is in a position in his life where he thinks he is better than me because he has a higher paid job and he can now go out and have fun and not have to worry about money and me. Because I was the person with money and the person who helped him out with school and life’s problems. When all that was solved, I was out of the picture before I had time to say congratulations.

Now, I just don’t even have the will power anymore. And for the past couple of weeks I kept wanting to give up on life. Give up everything. I really did not want to work anymore or go to work, but I force my self to get up in the morning and walk in there and keep my self busy. I didn’t want to take anymore courses, and then I decided to take more random ones at the last minute, however they are interesting courses that somehow keep me alive. I do feel better when I go to classes. It gives me a life challenge and time to get out of work for a bit and learn something new that can stimulate my brain and help me be a better worker. I still can’t believe I still have the energy to go to work. My friend just tells me to quit and not bother anymore cause I am always bummed out and unhappy and just need to take a few months off. I have thought about walking out many times and wanting to just do nothing. No work, no people – nothing. I do have enough money in the bank that I can be unemployed for a few months without worries. Yet the guilt in my conscious keeps telling me no. That is wrong and unethical to leave a job that I have been doing for so long and I do like while other people are depending on me. So I keep thanking my guilty conscious so I won’t make any more bad life choices.

Also, I always thank God I was never engaged to him or I would have seriously committed a felony. Than I keep thinking to my self, I don’t think I will ever reach that point of liking anyone again. I know people tell me to get over it, and it happens. I wish just that it happened normally. I wished that it happened without hate and anger. I keep telling and convincing my self I am not bad. I am not demanding. I am just a person like anyone else who just wanted someone to love her and have a happy life. I can be selfish and I like the attention. Who doesn’t really? I don’t know. I am just not happy anymore. I keep convincing my self to get over it. To just live life and things will get better.

I am trying, but the last couple of weeks I just became really weak and can’t stand anyone. Than I can’t sleep. I ran out of sleeping pills, and I just didn’t want to buy anymore. Which turned out to be a really bad thing because I can’t sleep. I just keep thinking and thinking and not sleeping. My headaches are becoming worse cause of the lack of sleep, the thinking, the anger that is built up in me. I think my blood pressure is way high! From the EX, from people at work and people I know. I keep trying to control my self at work because I swear I have so much anger that some people at work I seriously want to tell off and scream at them cause I cannot stand their presence anymore. Like I am almost reaching the red line of not being able to stand any more sarcastic comments, any more jokes and stupidity and lack of work ethics. I swear if I was a boss for just one day I would have seriously fired some people who don’t even deserve being there and just come to work to waste time. Or to be nice I would put down some new rules and work ethics. I don’t know. I think now I am just writing down everything that is pissing me off and I just want to get rid of at the same time. Yet I am trying to control my self. I will not blow up. I will not get angry anymore. I will just ignore everything and pretend I am deaf and senseless. That might work. I just need to work on that. I need a new life plan.

For now I need to go back to reality and do some work, even though I am sleepy. Maybe if I sleep now I will feel better. Although it is only 8 pm. I don’t know. I need to figure out something now.

Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!

I woke up an hour ago. I get up.. look back at my room and think, my sister is right. A hurricane has hit my room and left a few things displaced. So I am now downstairs away from my room so I don’t look at it for the next couple of hours and I will think of a plan to clean my room when I am 100% awake. Maybe today.. I have been delaying it for 2 or 3 weeks. :lol:
So I will get back to the main point. Cheese. My mom buys more cheese than any human on earth, so does my dad. But why? I see blocks of cheese and cream cheese. Every now and then I see my sister eating cheese during the day. Not just once, not twice. But maybe 6 – 8 times a day. So I look at the fridge now to get me something to eat, and I see no cheese left. And I do like cheese once a in a while when I feel like it. But this morning. I look.. nothing left but this spreadable white cheese that I don’t like. And thinking to my self, wasn’t there different kinds yesterday? So I went to my sister. She was sitting in her bed watching TV and I asked her. She just smiled and laughed at me. (She is my evil sister!) I told her that she is a little mouse and I made fun of her front two teeth. She screamed at me and told me to go away or she will hit me. (From eating that much cheese her bones are hard as rock. I am actually really afraid of her hitting me! ) I just went back downstairs and ate that spreadable cheese and drinking some strawberry juice and watching TV. This is what I am planning to do this morning. Bum on the couch and watch TV. I miss TV!

Blah Blah, Ranting as usual!

Ok.. I am getting some offensive comments from people. I don’t obviously take it personally because why should I? It is my site and I am obligated to say whatever the hell I want. However, I guess people are getting offended by it. First off, I need to point out a few things about the way I think or who I am. I think people are misjudging me based on the title of my site. Which to me is beyond ridiculous and ignorant. Another matter is that people cannot stand me complaining. It’s what I do best. That’s the whole point of my site.

So here are a few things about me:

I am a really quiet person. In reality I don’t talk. I only talk when I feel it is worth me saying something or replying to someone obviously. Sometimes when I am in a more hyper mood I obviously talk more, but that is on rare occasions or just being high on sugar.

I like to write. I do read a lot of books so I actually know how to put a few sentences together and make a paragraph, and I know how to argue my point by using a valid thesis. I have done that enough times in my life. I do not use high vocabulary because I know no matter what I write it is best to dumb it down to a grade 10 level. I think it is one of the main suggestions that writers tell you. Write so everyone can read it and understand. So I will never use words an average person cannot understand.

I don’t talk to many people. I don’t trust people very much. I only have few friends because I am picky and I don’t trust people. It’s a bad habit I know and bad way of thinking, but I don’t like to just talk to anyone. And if I do end up talking to someone and liking to talk to someone for the sake of talking than it is because they earned my respect towards them and they like talking to me! Don’t get me wrong. I am a friendly person, and I love being in a group environment and working with others, but once it gets to a true friendship, it takes a while for me to get used to a person. I don’t judge people by first meeting them. I am pretty judgmental in other ways on a matter of fact, I judge others on the following things: self discipline, articulation, their view of life, the way they treat others, the way they speak about others, their educational status, and the people they hang out with. I know the latter is not a great way to judge people, but yes, I do judge people by who they are friends with. It’s a bitchy thing to do, but common? If you hang out with the “wrong” crowd, you must be one too.

Ok, so that is just a overview of who I am.

Getting back to the main issue with my website and what I write. I write on my site for two reasons:

1) I have an anger management problem, and to solve it, I write about it. I read a while back on the net that it is a good way to express your problems if you are shy or just not a very talkative person. In my case, I had many journals or diaries or whatever growing up, but I like making websites and I like typing. Also I found it more helpful if I get people to comment or just to have random people visit my site and read something that is real. I don’t really care if people comment, but I do get the occasional person here or there that would commend me on my thoughts and describes to me how much they appreciate my writing. They also appreciate the fact that someone else out there is similar to them in their thinking and ideas. Moreover, I don’t make up stories or sugar coat it to make my writings more entertaining. On the contrary, I write cause I am mad. I do have a lot to say and I choose the title of the site as a rebellion. Something that I cannot say to anyone and would rather type it and not let my unconscious bother me. I used to have a problem as a teen with talking to my self, well maybe till now. :lol: It caused me a great deal of migraines. It was worse because I couldn’t sleep and I would talk my self to sleep. I don’t do it that much anymore, but it does give me a headache from time to time. (ie. yesterday)

2) I need to express some obvious things that bother me. A lot of things bother me. I get pissed off a lot, but I don’t like to cause problems. I critique a lot because the whole world is messed up and I just want to bitch about it. I did suffer from depression for like 3 or 4 years but I managed to work around it by keeping my self super busy all the time. However, now I am not as angry as I was nor depressed. I am in that neutral zone where I just really don’t give two shits about anything or anyone, except my self of course and my friends. My friend tells me that I think too highly of my self and I live in a dream world. Only cause I keep telling her I am powerful in my world and I want to be a queen of my world. Which I am. No one can argue with that. I am self centered and I do think highly of my self. For the good reasons of course. That does not make me shallow or arrogant, on the contrary, I am very understanding of others and I always put my self in someone else’s shoe and think like them for a few minutes. However, there are few people out there that I have met in my life that I was never able to understand. For example, my EX boyfriend. I tried many many times to understand him. To try to think like him. To try to just understand why! I couldn’t even go past that point. I tried to just work around it and ignore it. What did that cause? A major hate crime and numerous murderous plots! So now I am trying really hard to be more understanding. I try to say what is on my mind as often as I can and question everything without too much anger and resentment.

So I use the site as a vault of my anger. A vault of my complaints, my problems, and a place to say things that I should never say out loud. Honestly, if I say half the shit I say on my site or even try to be 100% honest than I would have a squad of Mona haters in line to take turns pulling my hair! :lol:

In conclusion, I am mean. I am bitchy. I write when I am pissed off, and I complain a lot. If anyone has a problem with that than they should just kiss my Arabic ass.

And yes I like being an Arab, and I like bitching about it too!

Blah Blah, Ranting as usual!, Whatever!

Well.. as my day couldn’t get worse.. it did.. around 10:00 am this morning I started getting this huge headache. It’s not the typical headache that 3 or 4, or 5 pills can get rid of. I tried. I have a huge bottle on my desk at work to cure my headaches. An hour passed. Nothing. I felt my head pounding more. Another hour it got worse. I felt sharp pain in the back of my neck. I felt like little spears are hitting it constantly. So I thought I just needed to get out of the lab. So I went and sat outside for an hour.. cause I know the stupid kids at my work would be playing their lunch time game. So I sat outside tried to just look out the window and not think of the pain and tried to do some work.. nothing. No change. I kept looking at the laptop screen and I swear I saw white dots and the screen became fuzzy.. Earlier my eyes were just watery and I felt like I was crying for no reason.. but I just couldn’t see.. so I went back to work.. I sat down and I just couldn’t help it. I just got up and left as quickly as I could and went home. My mom when I got back obviously freaked out so did my dad. I was like my head hurts too much. My dad wanted me to obviously go to the doctor. I hate doctors.. and then my mom is like you are crazy. You are careless and don’t take care of your self. I am like aha. I know. Leave me alone and I went to my room and passed out. I just got up. It’s been like 4 hours almost and my head is just heavy. I donno what happened. But this is worse than the headache I had on monday.. but the one on Monday was easily cured by lots of caffine and pills. But today.. aah.. the migraine was unbelievable. Also I do feel ill internally and my stomach is squeezy and acidy. I think I just need normal home cooked food. Oh by the way. I think I am allergic to eating outside. I seriously get stomach poisoning or something that disturbs my stomach really badly when I eat out. I am not doing that anymore! Aaah I am so weak..

I am going to eat and go back and lay down. The letters on the screen are just not right.

Ranting as usual!, Sleepy Post