Bumed out.

I was out half the day today. I just needed to leave my room and out of the house. I was out and about from store to store, and I went with my mom because she was looking for new curtains for the new family room my parents bought. As we were going from one home department store to another. I kept looking at stuff. Furniture, and house hold appliances. Than thinking to my self. Will I ever buy a set for me ever for the future? I know I am going back to the same old complaints and life’s old problems. It just got me thinking. I don’t think I ever will. I was completely heart broken and devastated and betrayed that my anger escalated to a point of me wanting to commit suicide and just end this pathetic life of mine. I have been constantly trying to pretend to be happy and smiley and trying to make the best of a bad life. Especially the past 5 months where he didn’t even want to be my friend or have anything to do with me because he thinks he is in a position in his life where he thinks he is better than me because he has a higher paid job and he can now go out and have fun and not have to worry about money and me. Because I was the person with money and the person who helped him out with school and life’s problems. When all that was solved, I was out of the picture before I had time to say congratulations.

Now, I just don’t even have the will power anymore. And for the past couple of weeks I kept wanting to give up on life. Give up everything. I really did not want to work anymore or go to work, but I force my self to get up in the morning and walk in there and keep my self busy. I didn’t want to take anymore courses, and then I decided to take more random ones at the last minute, however they are interesting courses that somehow keep me alive. I do feel better when I go to classes. It gives me a life challenge and time to get out of work for a bit and learn something new that can stimulate my brain and help me be a better worker. I still can’t believe I still have the energy to go to work. My friend just tells me to quit and not bother anymore cause I am always bummed out and unhappy and just need to take a few months off. I have thought about walking out many times and wanting to just do nothing. No work, no people – nothing. I do have enough money in the bank that I can be unemployed for a few months without worries. Yet the guilt in my conscious keeps telling me no. That is wrong and unethical to leave a job that I have been doing for so long and I do like while other people are depending on me. So I keep thanking my guilty conscious so I won’t make any more bad life choices.

Also, I always thank God I was never engaged to him or I would have seriously committed a felony. Than I keep thinking to my self, I don’t think I will ever reach that point of liking anyone again. I know people tell me to get over it, and it happens. I wish just that it happened normally. I wished that it happened without hate and anger. I keep telling and convincing my self I am not bad. I am not demanding. I am just a person like anyone else who just wanted someone to love her and have a happy life. I can be selfish and I like the attention. Who doesn’t really? I don’t know. I am just not happy anymore. I keep convincing my self to get over it. To just live life and things will get better.

I am trying, but the last couple of weeks I just became really weak and can’t stand anyone. Than I can’t sleep. I ran out of sleeping pills, and I just didn’t want to buy anymore. Which turned out to be a really bad thing because I can’t sleep. I just keep thinking and thinking and not sleeping. My headaches are becoming worse cause of the lack of sleep, the thinking, the anger that is built up in me. I think my blood pressure is way high! From the EX, from people at work and people I know. I keep trying to control my self at work because I swear I have so much anger that some people at work I seriously want to tell off and scream at them cause I cannot stand their presence anymore. Like I am almost reaching the red line of not being able to stand any more sarcastic comments, any more jokes and stupidity and lack of work ethics. I swear if I was a boss for just one day I would have seriously fired some people who don’t even deserve being there and just come to work to waste time. Or to be nice I would put down some new rules and work ethics. I don’t know. I think now I am just writing down everything that is pissing me off and I just want to get rid of at the same time. Yet I am trying to control my self. I will not blow up. I will not get angry anymore. I will just ignore everything and pretend I am deaf and senseless. That might work. I just need to work on that. I need a new life plan.

For now I need to go back to reality and do some work, even though I am sleepy. Maybe if I sleep now I will feel better. Although it is only 8 pm. I don’t know. I need to figure out something now.

Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!