Ok.. well we all have our obsessive compulsive behaviours.. but sometimes they may lead to more harm than intended. Well actually they are just plain harmful. I have a tendency of cleaning my right ear a lot. I have an obsession with cleaning my ear almost 6 or 7 times a day. This is on a normal day. When I am pissed off or nervous I do it more often to the point where my ear becomes watery from the inside. Or to the point of infection. I cannot stop. My mom screams at me daily to the point where I am actually almost deaf in my right ear. Maybe that is why I keep cleaning it thinking my ear has something in it. Sometimes I do hear constant ringing in my ear, but I think that is cause people are talking about me. But we know that is not true and I am damaging my ear. Well it was already damaged when I had a severe ear infection when I was 15 where I was hospitalized and was given morphine and insane ear drops that I have fear of remembering it. And since that day I no longer hear well in my right ear. So I keep thinking to my self and I forget that I cannot hear well and I just unconciously keep cleaning it. I am addicted. The problem is when I am seriously pissed off my anger level goes way high that my head starts to hurt and my ears turn red and I feel my ears are congested and closed. So what do I do? I keep cleaning it. So now I am physically harming my self unconsciously. I even went to the doctor once so he can help me and he said. Stop cleaning your ear. I was like ok.. great help! Like I listen to anyone!
So I just came home and for some reason my head hurts. I got into a fight with some chick who was acting so stupid and pathetic at the bus ticket depot! I don’t want to discuss it but fuck now I have to go downtown to the main bus depot tomorrow because she is a fucken stupid bitch! I was so pissed. Never in my life I have bitched at a stranger. I am usually very quiet and I don’t ever get into fights with people I don’t know or even argue with anyone I don’t know. But for some reason I couldn’t control my anger and I just blew up at her! I hate stupid GIRLS!

I don’t know what is going on with me. Now I am scared at getting into fights with anyone. Anyone!

My ear now hurts cause I am so freaken pissed off at such idiotic bitchiness. Why why people are stupid! WHY! Why can’t I just smack them! Fuck some people really need to be smacked!

Ranting as usual!

Ok.. well now I am back home and I have time to write something a little bit more interesting than the previous post. Only cause I have been thinking about this all day. This morning as I got into work one person in my class that I am taking who is in my group started chatting with me. Let me describe this guy first. He is my age. 26. He has a lot of work experience and very talented. He is “SMART!” However, he is lazy, he has personal problems and he drinks his problems away. What does this cause? Not him showing up to meetings. But I always keep him updated with emails and I wasn’t going to be mean to him or anything. Because when he does show up to our meetings he is the genius behind all the design work. He knows it all. That is to me for a University course is all I need from him. I want him to contribute his all. So my role in this group as I told them from day one. I can code in c++ and I choose to do the GUI for the application. That is all I wanted to do and it is the fun part. I didn’t want to do any complicated coding or figuring out how to use certain data structures and using some stupid design pattern. I just wanted to do the GUI! So I talked to him this morning. I will place snippets of the conversation.

(8:24 AM) N: ‘morning
(8:24 AM) Mona: heeeeeeeey
(8:24 AM) Mona: wuzzup dude
(8:24 AM) N: did you get my email?
(8:24 AM) Mona: ur up early
(8:24 AM) Mona: yep
(8:24 AM) N: no, still up
(8:24 AM) Mona: and i had no clue what u did
(8:24 AM) Mona: but i trust you
(8:24 AM) Mona: i suck at perl
(8:24 AM) N: kk, but did the end result end up in c++ class defs?
(8:24 AM) Mona: no clue
(8:24 AM) Mona: i didn’t try it
(8:24 AM) N: k, we need someone to proofread me
(8:24 AM) Mona: i told you i had no clue
(8:24 AM) Mona: did you test it?
(8:24 AM) N: no, i send a file with c++ class defs too
(8:25 AM) Mona: i saw it
(8:25 AM) Mona: yah
(8:25 AM) N: yeah, the third file in the email had all the class defs for the project
(8:25 AM) Mona: well why you spending time doing this
(8:25 AM) N: so we don’t have to type so much
(8:25 AM) N:
(8:25 AM) Mona: well u are spending time
(8:25 AM) Mona: trying to figure it out
(8:25 AM) N: sure, but i’m good at that, i might as well use my skills for our project, no?
(8:25 AM) Mona: true
(8:25 AM) N: it’s not hard for me.
(8:25 AM) Mona: well
(8:26 AM) Mona: i think we need cvs up and running
(8:26 AM) N: showing up is hard for me

(8:50 AM) N: but i’m worried — can i tell you why?
(8:50 AM) Mona: we make final decisions
(8:50 AM) Mona: why
(8:50 AM) N: before we meet – can i talk to you?
(8:50 AM) N: kk, here’s the thing…
(8:50 AM) Mona: what’s wrong
(8:50 AM) Mona: ?
(8:51 AM) N: if i write a program that is able to generate all our .h files, and then generate stubs for our .cpp files, and there’s a problem in it, then there’s only one place to fix it … in that program.
(8:51 AM) Mona: aha
(8:51 AM) N: or … we can waste a lot of time doing things we don’t have to do, and get to the same place
(8:51 AM) N: do you see?
(8:51 AM) Mona: i see
(8:51 AM) Mona: hmm
(8:51 AM) N: did you look at the c++ headers that my progarm made?
(8:51 AM) N: they were perfect!
(8:51 AM) Mona: hehe
(8:51 AM) Mona: well
(8:51 AM) Mona: ok
(8:51 AM) Mona: how about i ask you to do this
(8:51 AM) N: that’s my worry, ms. manager
(8:52 AM) N: (I mean that)
(8:52 AM) Mona: lol
(8:52 AM) Mona: i am not a manager
(8:52 AM) N: take it on, i need you to
(8:52 AM) Mona: i just like to control things and make sure there is no conflict
(8:52 AM) Mona: cause i don’t have time for ths
(8:52 AM) N: well, that sounds like management
(8:52 AM) N: i don’t either
(8:52 AM) Mona: i guess
(8:52 AM) Mona: so listen to me
(8:52 AM) N: kk
(8:52 AM) Mona: you do this
(8:52 AM) N: btw, you should listen to me too.
(8:52 AM) Mona: make the header files
(8:52 AM) Mona: and c++
(8:52 AM) N: i just did
(8:52 AM) N: you have them in an email
(8:53 AM) Mona: put them all in the proper directory structure
(8:53 AM) N: sure
(8:53 AM) Mona: no i mean in cvs

(9:08 AM) Mona: you are really good for our group
(9:08 AM) N: i know
(9:08 AM) Mona: we jut love it if you show up!
(9:08 AM) Mona: if you want
(9:09 AM) N: so don’t keep marking me down
(9:09 AM) Mona: we can change the time
(9:09 AM) Mona: but common
(9:09 AM) Mona: most of our meeting are after class
(9:09 AM) Mona: lol
(9:09 AM) Mona: ok fine
(9:09 AM) Mona: how about this
(9:09 AM) N: i know… i’m just a drunk.
(9:09 AM) Mona: this time i promise not to mark you negatively
(9:09 AM) N: if?
(9:09 AM) Mona: but you have to promise me
(9:09 AM) Mona: to come to meetings from now on
(9:09 AM) N: kk, well, that’s the email i sent.
(9:09 AM) Mona: and no more drinking
(9:09 AM) Mona: drink on weeeknd
(9:10 AM) Mona:
(9:10 AM) N: kk, i can’t promise no more drinking.

(9:10 AM) N: mona, i’ve struggled with this for fucking years.
(9:10 AM) Mona: it was funny
(9:10 AM) N: i wasn’t going to show up bleeding, dear.
(9:10 AM) Mona: well
(9:10 AM) Mona: u need help
(9:10 AM) N: sorry?
(9:10 AM) Mona:
(9:10 AM) Mona: ur drinking
(9:10 AM) Mona: do you drink every day/
(9:10 AM) Mona: ?
(9:11 AM) N: I don’t want to be rude when I answer that question.
(9:11 AM) Mona: no just be honest
(9:11 AM) Mona: i am just curious
(9:11 AM) N: none of your business.
(9:11 AM) Mona:
(9:11 AM) Mona: :S
(9:11 AM) N: that’s an odd smiley
(9:11 AM) Mona: ok sorry
(9:11 AM) N: you’re my manager
(9:11 AM) Mona: i am not your manager
(9:11 AM) N: you can be concerned and penalize me with not being there
(9:11 AM) Mona: i am working in a team wit you
(9:12 AM) N: really?
(9:12 AM) N: I’m not good at that
(9:12 AM) Mona: but you need to learn to work in a team
(9:12 AM) N: You’re totally right
(9:12 AM) Mona: a month left
(9:12 AM) Mona: of this course
(9:12 AM) Mona: and that’s it
(9:12 AM) N: but i’m not good at it
(9:12 AM) N: no, my whole life left
(9:12 AM) N: and i’m still not good at it

(9:26 AM) Mona: u can do whatever u like
(9:26 AM) Mona: u got the week
(9:27 AM) Mona: as long as it is good
(9:27 AM) N: stop saying “do whatever you like”
(9:27 AM) Mona: efficient
(9:27 AM) Mona: and can make our life’s easier
(9:27 AM) N: it makes you look like you don’t care
(9:27 AM) Mona: no
(9:27 AM) Mona: i do care
(9:27 AM) Mona: but i don’t want to tell you
(9:27 AM) Mona: what to do
(9:27 AM) N: but the way you say that seems that way
(9:27 AM) Mona: cause id on’t know
(9:27 AM) Mona: i am leaving it up to you
(9:27 AM) N: nono, i know what you mean
(9:27 AM) Mona: than you tell us
(9:27 AM) N: i’m helping
(9:27 AM) N: do you understand
(9:27 AM) N: it’s criticism
(9:27 AM) Mona: lol
(9:28 AM) Mona: sorry you just have to get used to the way i tal
(9:28 AM) Mona: talk
(9:28 AM) Mona: i usualy say i dont care
(9:28 AM) Mona: its a habit of mine
(9:28 AM) Mona: but in reality i do
(9:28 AM) N: saying ‘do whatever you like’ doesn’t help people to want to work for you.
(9:28 AM) Mona: oh no
(9:28 AM) Mona: if you work for me
(9:28 AM) Mona: for real
(9:28 AM) Mona: i will TELL you exactly how to do
(9:28 AM) N: now that we’ve agreed on the roles…
(9:28 AM) Mona: it
(9:28 AM) Mona: lol
(9:28 AM) Mona: ok
(9:28 AM) Mona: so u want me
(9:28 AM) Mona: to tell you waht to do
(9:28 AM) Mona: and that way you will have a direction
(9:28 AM) N: nope
(9:28 AM) Mona: than wht
(9:28 AM) Mona: ur confusing me
(9:29 AM) Mona: lol
(9:29 AM) N: best manager i’ve ever had was involved, took a genuine interest in what i did, and let me do it. i’m trying to help your management skills as much as you’re trying to help my “Technical Lead” skills, right?
(9:29 AM) N: but that manager didn’t say “do what you like”
(9:30 AM) Mona: hmm
(9:30 AM) Mona: ur right
(9:30 AM) Mona: ok i see your point
(9:30 AM) N: she said “what are you doing?”
(9:30 AM) N: “that seems right.”
(9:30 AM) N: you know?
(9:30 AM) N: sorry
(9:30 AM) Mona: its ok
(9:30 AM) Mona: i like your thinking
(9:30 AM) N: this is outside of school.
(9:30 AM) Mona: i know
(9:30 AM) Mona: i like it a lot
(9:30 AM) Mona: thanks for the tip
(9:30 AM) Mona: well
(9:30 AM) N: let’s role play
(9:30 AM) Mona: ok cool
(9:31 AM) N: manager and tech lead
(9:31 AM) Mona: so you
(9:31 AM) N: and let’s lead k and r

(9:44 AM) N: sorry, disconnected
(9:44 AM) Mona: its ok
(9:44 AM) Mona: just smile ok
(9:44 AM) N: i’m afraid of ppl, not of you… but of course of you, based on the way you’ve put yourself in the group
(9:44 AM) Mona: lol
(9:44 AM) N: don’t say “do what you want”
(9:44 AM) Mona: don’t do what u want
(9:44 AM) N: it makes me think you weren’t listening.
(9:44 AM) Mona: tell the group first
(9:45 AM) Mona: oh believe me i listen
(9:45 AM) N: even when i am sitting with the group
(9:45 AM) N: you say “do what you want”
(9:45 AM) Mona: like i told you
(9:45 AM) N: and that makes me think you’re not listening
(9:45 AM) Mona: its cause i am a dork and i sometimes have no idea what u talking about
(9:45 AM) Mona: ur way beyond me
(9:45 AM) N: then ask.
(9:45 AM) N: please
(9:45 AM) N: that’s what a group is for
(9:45 AM) N: kk, gotta go.
(9:45 AM) Mona: i shall
(9:45 AM) Mona: ok
(9:45 AM) Mona: byebye
(9:45 AM) N: love ya, see you soon (this week)
(9:45 AM) N: later
(9:45 AM) Mona: byebye

So now I am forced to lead my other 3 team mates. I don’t want to. It’s just I am surprised that a person with so much work experience, brains, and charisma would ask me to do that. Not only that. I have to be emotionally nice to him. I didn’t post the part when he was talking about his real problem and his major drinking problem. He has one but I am tolerant to drunks. It’s their choice for sure. But now it is my problem. I have to encourage this guy, give him some hope and some motivation to do work and do my own work. AAaah!! What amazed me that based on a few meetings. Maybe 9 or 10 and him barely showing up for 3 or 4 of them, that he is completely afraid of me and thinks I should just lead him and that way the project will be a success. Am I that bossy? Do I have such a powerful affect on people that it brings them fear?

Blah.. I need to do some coding. Writing and watching TV is not very relaxing. Coding is!

They said what?, Whatever!

I usually don’t eat honey or use honey much.. but maybe I should follow some of those pointers. I don’t like posting forwards but I found this interesting.

—————-

Facts on Honey and Cinnamon:

It is found that mixture of Honey and Cinnamon cures most diseases. Honey is produced in most of the countries of the world. Today’s science says that even though honey is sweet, if taken in the right dosage as a medicine, it does not harm diabetic patients. Weekly World News, a magazine in Canada , on its issue dated 17 January 1995 ! has given the following list of diseases that can be cured by Honey and Cinnamon as researched by western scientists.

HEART DISEASES: Make a paste of honey and cinnamon powder, apply on bread, chapatti, or other bread, instead of jelly and jam and eat it regularly for breakfast. It reduces the cholesterol in the arteries and saves the patient from heart attack. Also those who already had an attack, if they do this process daily, they are kept miles away from the next attack. Regular use of the above process relieves loss of breath and strengthens the heartbeat. In America and Canada, various nursing homes have treated patients successfully and have found that as age the arteries and veins lose their flexibility and get clogged; honey and cinnamon revitalizes the arteries and veins.

INSECT BITES: Take one part honey to two parts of lukewarm water and add a small teaspoon of cinnamon powder, make a paste and massage it on the itching part of the body slowly. It is noticed that the pain recedes within a minute or two.

ARTHRITIS: Arthritis patients may take daily, morning and night, one cup of hot water with two spoons of honey and one small teaspoon of cinnamon powder. If taken regularly even chronic arthritis can be cured. In a recent research conducted at the Copenhagen University, it was found that when the doctors treated their patients with a mixture of one tablespoon Honey and half teaspoon Cinnamon powder before breakfast, they found that within a week out of the 200 people so treated practically 73 patients were totally relieved of pain and within a month, mostly all the patients who could not walk or move around because of arthritis started walking without pain.

HAIR LOSS: Those suffering from hair loss or baldness, may apply a paste of hot olive oil, one tablespoon of honey, one teaspoon of cinnamon powder before bath and keep it for approx. 15 min. and then wash the hair. It was found to be effective even if kept on for 5 minutes.

BLADDER INFECTIONS: Take two tablespoons of cinnamon powder and one teaspoon of honey in a glass of lukewarm water and drink it. It destroys the germs in the bladder.

TOOTHACHE: Make a paste of one teaspoon of cinnamon powder and five teaspoons of honey and apply on the aching tooth. This may be applied 3 times a day till the tooth stops aching.

CHOLESTEROL: Two tablespoons of honey and three teaspoons of Cinnamon Powder mixed in 16 ounces of tea water, given to a cholesterol patient, was found to reduce the level of cholesterol in the blood by 10% within 2 hours. As mentioned for arthritic patients, if taken 3 times a day, any Chronic cholesterol is cured. As per information received in the said journal, pure honey taken with food daily relieves complaints of cholesterol.

COLDS: Those suffering from common or severe colds should take one tablespoon lukewarm honey with 1/4 spoon cinnamon powder daily for 3 days. This process will cure most chronic cough, cold and clear the sinuses.

INFERTILITY: Yunani and Ayurvedic Medicine have been using honey for thousands of years to strengthen the semen of men. If impotent men regularly take two tablespoon of honey before going to sleep, their problem will be SOLVED. In China, Japan and Far-East countries, women, who do not conceive and need to strengthen the uterus, have been taking cinnamon powder for centuries. Women who cannot conceive may take a pinch of cinnamon powder in half teaspoon of honey and apply it on the gums frequently throughout the day, so that it slowly mixes with the saliva and enters the body.

UPSET STOMACH: Honey taken with cinnamon powder cures stomach ache and also clears stomach ulcers from the root.

GAS: According to the studies done in India & Japan, it is revealed that if honey is taken with cinnamon powder the stomach is relieved of gas.

IMMUNE SYSTEM: Daily use of honey and cinnamon powder strengthens the immune system and protects the body from bacteria and viral attacks. Scientists have found that honey has various vitamins and iron in large amounts. Constant use of honey strengthens the white blood corpuscles to fight bacteria and viral diseases.

INDIGESTION: Cinnamon powder sprinkled on two tablespoons of honey taken before food, relieves acidity and digests the heaviest of meals.

INFLUENZA: A scientist in Spain has proved that honey contains a natural ingredient, which kills the influenza germs and saves the patient from flu.

LONGEVITY: Tea made with honey and cinnamon powder, when taken regularly arrests the ravages of old age. Take 4 spoons of honey, 1 spoon of cinnamon powder and 3 cups of water and boil to make like tea. Drink 1/4 cup, 3 to 4 times a day. It keeps the skin fresh and soft and arrests old age. Life spans also increases and even a 100 year old, starts performing the chores of a 20-year-old.

PIMPLES: Three tablespoons of Honey and one teaspoon of cinnamon powder paste. Apply this paste on the pimples before sleeping and wash it next morning with warm water. If done daily for two weeks, it removes pimples from the root.

SKIN INFECTIONS: Applying honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts on the affected parts cures eczema, ringworm and all types of skin infections.

WEIGHT LOSS: Daily in the morning 1/2 hour before breakfast on an empty stomach and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in one-cup water. If taken regularly it reduces the weight of even the most obese person.
Also, drinking of this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate in the body even though the person may eat a high calorie diet.

CANCER: Recent research in Japan and Australia has revealed that advanced cancer of the stomach and bones have been cured successfully. Patients suffering from these kinds of cancer should daily take one tablespoon of honey with one teaspoon of cinnamon powder for one month 3 times a day.

FATIGUE: Recent studies have shown that the sugar content of honey is more helpful rather than being detrimental to the strength of the body. Senior citizens, who take honey and cinnamon power in equal parts, are more alert and flexible.
Dr. Milton who has done research says that a half tablespoon honey taken in a glass of water and sprinkled with cinnamon powder, taken daily after brushing and in the afternoon at about 3.00 p.m. when the vitality of the body starts to decrease, increases the vitality of the body within a week.

BAD BREATH: People of South America, first thing in the morning gargle with one teaspoon of honey and cinnamon powder mixed in hot water. So their breath stays fresh throughout the day.

HEARING LOSS: Daily morning and night honey and cinnamon powder taken in equal parts restore hearing.

Random Thoughts

I was thinking about this today.. from hearing my sister speak Arabic with messed up feminine / masculine nouns, but still speaking it fluently.. Better than those who are not born here and came young though. I remembered the days I was living in the US. I lived in the US for 5 years in this secluded city away from Arabs. No Arabic at all. My cousins, boy and girl, where born in the US but after my uncle’s divorce from their mom he sent them to live in Beirut with my grandmother and Aunt. So they lived there I think till 1987 and went to preschool and grade one. So my cousin would have been 6 and my other cousin 4 years of age. But think about it. They were speaking Arabic. They were fluently speaking it as their first language. Then they had to come back through the American Embassy after a long struggle and the situation got way worse in Lebanon. So anyways, long story short, they came back. And once I met them in 1992 they couldn’t speak a word of it. Not even remembering how to say hello. The distinct Arabic letters they couldn’t even pronounce. I was amazed at the age of 11. Not only that, I was actually bilingual. I comprehended English very well and spoke it to the best of my ability that the year after I was placed in accelerated English and Math classes. However, I still spoke Arabic and chose to always remember it.

Now I am 26 and I still speak Arabic. The problem is I did go through a phase of almost 7 or 8 years b4 I got to University where Arabic no longer became my first language. It became somewhat messed up because I didn’t speak it much and it was much easier to speak English. As I got older in my high school here in Canada, a lot more Arabs started showing up. I didn’t know who they were because I could care less really. I met one girl that figured I was an Arab because I decided to take a non science course! Bad move! Well, my name is Mona and I look like one. Duh! So she was like “wow. You speak English fluently.” I looked at her and said.. “yah so”. She is like but can you speak Arabic? I was thinking to my self, why is she asking that? If I spoke English well does that mean I couldn’t speak Arabic well? It amazed me. Then she started speaking Arabic to me and I replied back. She kept criticizing and saying no. You cannot speak it well. Also you have a Lebanese accent. That is not a Palestinian one. I was like hmm. So I couldn’t speak it well but I had a Lebanese accent. Weird ah? So I am from northern Palestine near Lebanon. Maybe walking distant to the Lebanese border as the old generation would say, and I am criticized for having a different accent and I cannot speak Arabic well. This all happened during a 5 minute conversation before class started. This goes back to the article I wrote about judgmental people. I wasn’t joking about that one. I have gone through it many times in my life.

So anyways.. just from that you can see that friendship did not last long. It had to end. I was accused the next day of meeting this girl that I was sending out bad emails to some other girl that I didn’t know, who was also an Arab, because it was sent from a girl named Mona. I was like am I the only Mona in this world? In this city? In this school. I doubted it. My name is a very common Arabic name. So I just ignored this accusation and just laughed at their stupidity and ignorance. Since the email was written in perfect grammatical English that it must have been me. This was in 1998 I think. The year when dial up was still the norm and I really didn’t care much about emailing some chick telling her she is a hoe. By the way she is and she dressed like one, but I would never tell that to her face obviously.

So speaking English is not a good thing. Speaking Arabic is worse because as people say I suck at it. Well. What can I speak then? I speak English to avoid this criticism. I don’t choose the language I want to speak. Whatever comes out of my mouth is what I say. It has just become a habit. Now I actually speak English in an Arabic accent cause for the past 6 or 7 years I have been hanging out with Arabs. I like my culture and it was good to get back to the routine of speaking Arabic daily.

But you know, it’s funny. When I get mad at my sister I scream to her in Arabic. I find Arabic to be more forceful. Just like German and Russian. I love rough languages. Especially when I use simple non offensive words with direct commands that it just makes it seem bad!

All I can say is. I love being bilingual, and I love the choice of speaking whatever I want to speak when I feel like it.

By the way, I also know Spanish but I chose not to speak it because I had no one to speak it with! I still understand it though! Although.. this is another funny story. My first year in University, no one knew I was Arabic. Especially guys. I would sit in the student community centre and not speak Arabic at all. Until one day one guy saw my necklace and said, “YOU ARE PALESTINIAN!”. I said, “yep! Damn proud too of it. So?” He said, “holy.. every guy sitting here thought you were this Spanish hot chick.” I said, “Aaah.. Muchas gracias. Soy hablo español!” He said, “Wow! You speak it too.”

Pssh.. Men..

Maybe I should go back to learning Spanish and become trilingual. I need a third language to communicate with since the first two are not that great in other people’s opinions.

Random Thoughts, Whatever!

As I am sitting here at work wondering what am I doing. I don’t know what I am doing anymore. I work and I have no idea why I am working. I do things without a purpose anymore. It has become such a technical repetitive thing. For five years and I feel I have been doing the same old thing. I will never progress in what I am doing. I know you might say I should be lucky to have a job. I know that. I do feel lucky because deep down inside I know I don’t deserve it. I think someone else with greater talent and in need of work and money is more eligible for my chair. Sometimes I feel like I need to be somewhere else. Something more exciting and different. I tried a lot to change my surroundings the past 5 years at work. Try to make it different, but now not motivated or care less about it. Everything around me is messed up. Or I feel like I don’t belong in it anymore. I feel my time was up long time ago and I am just dragging my self more and more day by day and wasting time. I don’t know what I am waiting for. It’s not like I am an active job seeker. I quit doing that a year ago almost when I realized that those out there that want to hire me are only after my graphical talent and web programming. Even though they wanted to pay me over $10,000 more but I just didn’t want to go from the same routine to another routine again. I need something more exciting in my life. I don’t know what to do. All I know computer design is not my field. I don’t like to draw when I am forced to. That’s pretty much what I am doing here. I am forced to draw. Forced to make something because I have to. And I know my best drawings and paintings I have at home are those when I drew out of free will. I was in creative mood. Look at my blog now. It was inspired by the flower on the side. I found this flower on deviantart.com and I worked from there. I always need that spark. I need that object in front of me that has something about it and a story to tell.

There isn’t a story to tell anymore from what I am doing at work. It has become this repetitive scheme of drawings. I need to motivate my self. I need to go back to me. I used to be an artist. I won many awards. Well I won more Math awards than art but that is a different story. But I am good at it. I really am. However, my problem is my motivation. Just lately I have been so down that I cannot think of anything amazing to do. I have been doing graphic art on the computer since I was 9. I remember when I did my first animated stick figure. I loved it. I felt it was my best accomplishment ever. I wish I still had it. I wish I kept everything that had such a great positive affect on me.

I wish I can paint again like I used to and make a big old mess in my room. I wish I can make clay animals like I used to and make a mess in the kitchen and over use the oven. I wish I can just do things the way I remember it. The way it was meant to be. Now it is just not right. Something is wrong and I just feel sad about it. When I am sad I can’t draw. I can’t do anything right. I can write though. I have always written. I actually found my diary from when I was 11 the other day, and I found my poetry book too when I was 17. It’s funny. I still write the same things. I still express my self the same way. Yet I wish I can draw the same way I did. I wish I can.

Anyways, maybe I should try to motivate my self or do something differently. I am going to go read about Leonardo Da Vinci. That always inspires me because I am still amazed that there was such a human with so much artistic and scientific talent. Still amazes me, and I still wish people at the time accepted him for who he was. Just maybe things would have been different..

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts