I’m not as talented anymore.

As I am sitting here at work wondering what am I doing. I don’t know what I am doing anymore. I work and I have no idea why I am working. I do things without a purpose anymore. It has become such a technical repetitive thing. For five years and I feel I have been doing the same old thing. I will never progress in what I am doing. I know you might say I should be lucky to have a job. I know that. I do feel lucky because deep down inside I know I don’t deserve it. I think someone else with greater talent and in need of work and money is more eligible for my chair. Sometimes I feel like I need to be somewhere else. Something more exciting and different. I tried a lot to change my surroundings the past 5 years at work. Try to make it different, but now not motivated or care less about it. Everything around me is messed up. Or I feel like I don’t belong in it anymore. I feel my time was up long time ago and I am just dragging my self more and more day by day and wasting time. I don’t know what I am waiting for. It’s not like I am an active job seeker. I quit doing that a year ago almost when I realized that those out there that want to hire me are only after my graphical talent and web programming. Even though they wanted to pay me over $10,000 more but I just didn’t want to go from the same routine to another routine again. I need something more exciting in my life. I don’t know what to do. All I know computer design is not my field. I don’t like to draw when I am forced to. That’s pretty much what I am doing here. I am forced to draw. Forced to make something because I have to. And I know my best drawings and paintings I have at home are those when I drew out of free will. I was in creative mood. Look at my blog now. It was inspired by the flower on the side. I found this flower on deviantart.com and I worked from there. I always need that spark. I need that object in front of me that has something about it and a story to tell.

There isn’t a story to tell anymore from what I am doing at work. It has become this repetitive scheme of drawings. I need to motivate my self. I need to go back to me. I used to be an artist. I won many awards. Well I won more Math awards than art but that is a different story. But I am good at it. I really am. However, my problem is my motivation. Just lately I have been so down that I cannot think of anything amazing to do. I have been doing graphic art on the computer since I was 9. I remember when I did my first animated stick figure. I loved it. I felt it was my best accomplishment ever. I wish I still had it. I wish I kept everything that had such a great positive affect on me.

I wish I can paint again like I used to and make a big old mess in my room. I wish I can make clay animals like I used to and make a mess in the kitchen and over use the oven. I wish I can just do things the way I remember it. The way it was meant to be. Now it is just not right. Something is wrong and I just feel sad about it. When I am sad I can’t draw. I can’t do anything right. I can write though. I have always written. I actually found my diary from when I was 11 the other day, and I found my poetry book too when I was 17. It’s funny. I still write the same things. I still express my self the same way. Yet I wish I can draw the same way I did. I wish I can.

Anyways, maybe I should try to motivate my self or do something differently. I am going to go read about Leonardo Da Vinci. That always inspires me because I am still amazed that there was such a human with so much artistic and scientific talent. Still amazes me, and I still wish people at the time accepted him for who he was. Just maybe things would have been different..

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts