I have a really bad addiction.

Ok.. well we all have our obsessive compulsive behaviours.. but sometimes they may lead to more harm than intended. Well actually they are just plain harmful. I have a tendency of cleaning my right ear a lot. I have an obsession with cleaning my ear almost 6 or 7 times a day. This is on a normal day. When I am pissed off or nervous I do it more often to the point where my ear becomes watery from the inside. Or to the point of infection. I cannot stop. My mom screams at me daily to the point where I am actually almost deaf in my right ear. Maybe that is why I keep cleaning it thinking my ear has something in it. Sometimes I do hear constant ringing in my ear, but I think that is cause people are talking about me. But we know that is not true and I am damaging my ear. Well it was already damaged when I had a severe ear infection when I was 15 where I was hospitalized and was given morphine and insane ear drops that I have fear of remembering it. And since that day I no longer hear well in my right ear. So I keep thinking to my self and I forget that I cannot hear well and I just unconciously keep cleaning it. I am addicted. The problem is when I am seriously pissed off my anger level goes way high that my head starts to hurt and my ears turn red and I feel my ears are congested and closed. So what do I do? I keep cleaning it. So now I am physically harming my self unconsciously. I even went to the doctor once so he can help me and he said. Stop cleaning your ear. I was like ok.. great help! Like I listen to anyone!
So I just came home and for some reason my head hurts. I got into a fight with some chick who was acting so stupid and pathetic at the bus ticket depot! I don’t want to discuss it but fuck now I have to go downtown to the main bus depot tomorrow because she is a fucken stupid bitch! I was so pissed. Never in my life I have bitched at a stranger. I am usually very quiet and I don’t ever get into fights with people I don’t know or even argue with anyone I don’t know. But for some reason I couldn’t control my anger and I just blew up at her! I hate stupid GIRLS!

I don’t know what is going on with me. Now I am scared at getting into fights with anyone. Anyone!

My ear now hurts cause I am so freaken pissed off at such idiotic bitchiness. Why why people are stupid! WHY! Why can’t I just smack them! Fuck some people really need to be smacked!

Ranting as usual!