The World is my Distraction

I have been out of it the past 2 days.. I got an exam for a very hard course I am taking tomorrow! (Why the hell did I take it and why! Oh wait I have to if I want to apply for Masters in ’08!) I had another exam yesterday, but I spent last week studying for it and all day yesterday morning reviewing. It was easy for me. Well, I realized if I can answer all the questions without hesitating and being out of the exam room 15 – 30 min early than it must have been really easy or I completely lost my mind and wrote bullshit. I hope it is not the latter because I know I did well. I was actually curious all day to check if the exam was marked but maybe not till next week.

However, the one tomorrow will kill me. Yet, from all this nervous fear I feel confident. I spent all last night and all day today cramming into my head so much information!

So I will be counting the months till I finish all the courses I need and hope to apply for Masters in bloody Comp Sci! I really want to stop working and getting a much higher education. MBA was always on my mind. It was the initial stepping stone for me to go back to school and take more courses, but after doing some freelance work and having a small private business on the side and seeing how others who do have such business run it by taking advantage of people and their surroundings; I ended up really disliking the whole idea. I mean it is great to get an MBA, but I am really not up to it anymore. It’s not in my soul. I like to be a leader, but maybe not a business leader. I am too honest and I would actually follow business/work ethics extremely carefully that I won’t be making millions ever! I think I am just too honest and I am not that great at convincing. That is my problem. So I am better off in the IT field making custom software.

Well, if I don’t get into Masters and I am getting to the point of being utterly unmotivated, than all I can do is wait till December of this year and see if I want to stay at my job or not. It’s not cause of the work environment or anything. I am so used to it after 5 years that when hearing or witnessing anything bazaar that has become so normal, but at this point of my life, I really need to move on. I am not growing or progressing. I need challenges in my life to keep me interested. I mean, I work full time and I take enough courses per semester to keep me busy, and I still cannot find any challenges at work or life. I thought maybe if I had less hours to work by going to classes that I would feel pressure or challenge, but no. I just don’t feel it. I don’t even stay up late at nights. Nothing. I think I got good at managing my time that I am doing it unconsciously. I am actually planning ahead! Well a week ahead but that’s not bad. Major improvement.

So I don’t know, I guess after all these years and seeing how life is so boring and empty, that I really need to do something different and better with my life. So maybe by the time I am 30 I can be a manager at an IT corporation or something of that nature. I just have to keep my fingers crossed, save lots of money for more schooling, and keep praying that life will get better!

So that is my plan. So my thoughts are all over this evening. I am just thinking in far too many directions. Than I was blog hopping and I saw a video with this song in it and I was amazed. It reminded me so much of ME! Such a lovely song by Evanescence:

Random Thoughts