Thinking..

A couple of days ago my friend came over again from TO… and we went out to sushi, and she asked me if “he” tried to contact me at all the past few weeks. I told her no. So bluntly. I told her he blocked me off MSN after 5 years and I really don’t care. However, do I care? I kept thinking about this. Do I care anymore about the past? Not really. I am just really mellow about it. I don’t really care anymore. I think I got to that point of life should move on or I will seriously go insane. I think I did go through many phases the past few months. I went through a denial phase. The phase where I kept rejecting the idea that after all these years that he would leave me for no reason. Well the reason is I wanted to live a nice normal life based on good ethics and morals. He didn’t.

Since I am a very stubborn person I really didn’t accept him for how he acted and wanted to mold him to what I wanted. He also did the same thing to me. He wanted me to be a behaved Arabic girl that just listened to him and never ever argued back. You know. Like a maid. Obviously didn’t work out. Plus I am a Capricorn and he is an Aquarius. Really bad match. A match for friendship and that’s it. Even that we couldn’t do! So I try to move on with my life by trying to remember only the negatives of a relationship. My friends tell me that I am lucky I didn’t marry him because that would have been a lot worse. A really bad life. Which is true. I am glad for that. However, my problem is that I have been very anti-future. I quit caring about the future. I hate planning things. I hate even planning things to do for tomorrow. I tell people that I don’t plan. Just tell me when the same day and that’s it. No need to plan things. Planning things gives me major depressive thoughts because I used to plan so much and where did it get me?

So lately I have just been keeping my self so busy that I don’t even think of the past or future. I have become a machine that works day by day and that’s it. It helps me a lot. However, planning, thinking of a future, or imaging a positive outcome someday is not in my head.

Moreover, after the denial, I went through the phase of depression. That’s what I have been suffering from the past few months. I can’t say I am depressed at this moment, but it seriously affected my mood. I have become such an unmotivated person that I don’t feel like doing anything. My motivation level is ground low. I need something to boost my energy. A lot of people around me somewhat make me happy or somewhat give me some hope of a nice future and a good life could be ahead for me, but I am so cynical.

However today I was at the mall with my mom and sister, and my mom was looking at this gorgeous bed. She told me you need to change the furniture in your room. I looked at her and said why. I don’t want to live with you forever. She smiled and that gave her hope that one day I will get married and get the hell out of the house! I was surprised I even said that to her or even thought about it. That was a futuristic thought. First one I had in months! I was always so pessimistic and cynical about such things. So I brought her some joy for the day, and I started thinking out loud and blurted things unconsciously! Major improvement indeed.

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post