I always thought life was funny. You think you live day by day remembering things. Reminiscing in the past and hoping for a better future for our selves. Yet the sweetest and best memories fade away. Like they never existed. You sit there trying to remember all the positive and great things in your life. Yet the best and most memorable moments you share with others somehow vanish. Things change. Your surroundings change. Life changes.

You try so hard to change everything and keep momentous memories. Yet those memories are the ones that fade away without us realizing. Life does not give us a chance to store all the moments and events we would like to remember. We want to keep changing things to satisfy our current needs.

Yet as civilization advanced. Humans wanted to keep records. Remember things. They found ways and ways. Writings, drawings, and sculptures. Anything that will tell a story. Something to keep someone remembering them.

So it is the same for us internet writers that live in this black hole of thoughts written for the world to see. Who is reading it? Why they reading it? Who will remember it? Why they will remember it? Can they share our pain? Can they share our feelings?

All these memories we are writing. All these thoughts we are sharing. Those that are read by you. Will you remember it? Will it affect you in any way?

Yet we write cause we want to remember. We want to share something with someone. We keep it as our record of thoughts. Things we may not remember but it is there to be remembered by someone. Hopefully someone will always remember us no matter how difficult or bad the situation was. No matter what we have done to each other. Good or bad. That we will be remembered by them for something that is insignificant, unimportant, but a small memory is enough. It is thoughtful to just be remembered and not be another faded memory.

It is 1:15 am and I have not slept yet and thought about this. The memories. People we remember. People that have touched our hearts. Things that mattered or did not. How much can we remember of it? And who will continue remembering it for us, and why?

Random Thoughts

So a further explanation of the events of today.

My friend came over this weekend from Mississauga again and it was great. We went to watch 300 and we went to the mall and out to cafes and eating. Great weekend.

Well she stayed over last night at another friend of hers house. Her friend is a Mexican girl. So my friend got dragged along to some chick’s birthday party at this bar/club in downtown. Normal. Just out partying. No big deal. Then this happened, this is the phone conversation I had with her around 11:30am this morning:

A: Mona oh my god.

Me: What..

A: I was at X place last night at this girl’s birthday party that I was dragged to around 9:30pm. Then around 11:30 guess who I saw?

Me: ? Who?

A: I saw M S first.. I used to work for him remember and he tried to hook up with you.

Me: Not really. I never cared to. He seemed nice and that’s it.

A: Anyways so I started talking to him asking him questions of why the hell he is here drinking like an idiot. And about his EX and why he dumped her. And he is like saying she cheated on him and it was a lie.

Me: Ok so? I don’t care. Big deal. That’s his problem.

A: Well it was around 30 Arab guys there. Guess who else was there?

Me: ?? Who?

A: I saw him. I asked him if his last name is E-M..

Me: I was like yah.. there are many of them. So what?

—- She never met him before.. but saw his pic..

A: No then I asked him are you A?

Me: And?

A: He said yah.

Me: #$!@$!$!#$@#$

A: I asked him for his age to make sure. He said 27.

Me: Yah he turned 27. Ok and?

A: Nothing. He was asking M if he wanted to get a drink. Then he went to sit down. Then I told M about him and how he screwed Mona over. What a fucker.

Me: Ok.. and?

A: He gained so much weight. I thought you told me he was so skinny. How the hell he ended up like this?

M: Last time I saw him he did look like he gained weight. He told me he was up to 190 ounds. He is 6′2 almost. So it was ok I guess.

A: No he looked he gained way more than that.

M: Ok whatever.

A: Anyways, they were all so disgusting.. Just sitting there getting drunk. Why Arabs in London like this? Arabs in Toronto are so moderate and not trashy like this. Such low class. God!

Me: Tell me about it… why you think I couldn’t stand him no more. He lies about it and fucken gets drunk with the disgusting trashy Arab guys here like no tomorrow.

A: Yep! And M is a fucken looser. He tried to ask me out and begged for my number. What the hell! Cause I am at this stupid place I am a slut now and so easy. Common. Stupid people. I am just hanging out with my friends. Not being an idiot! I tried to give him a fake number. But he tried to dial it and obviously my phone did not ring. Then he noticed and I was hesitant and I was like fine. This is it. Aaah I can’t stand him.

Me: You are not bitchy enough.

A: Whatever. I am not going to answer him. Fucken trashy guys.

Me: Do you want to go the movies?

A: Ok.

Me: Common come. The movie starts in an hour. I am pissed and I want to do something.

Aah.. so later after we watched the awesome movie we went to grab sushi and she left back to Toronto.

Then I was really in a bad mood. I was like mom. Cut my hair. Now! She is like what. I am like give me bangs then. She is like ok.. I will try. So now I am Mona with bangs that looks like a kid!! Aaaaaaaah!!

Blah Blah

I have been sitting here thinking of the meaning of love. What is love? Who defined it? How can anyone define something so convoluted? To me I think it is the strangest feeling that anyone can experience. Once you get to that stage of loving someone, it just becomes an uncontrollable feeling. A feeling that you cannot understand. And once it is gone.. life becomes like a dark cloud; always gloomy.

That is just an explanation of the two extremes.

Being in love with someone or breaking up.

However, what happens when it is only a one sided love? What happens when you love someone so much and they just don’t feel the same way about you? What will you do? How long can you live that way? That is the hardest kind of love. It is very painful. Probably the worst kind of love.

So why is love so great? It is only great if it is positively working out, but that is not the case for so many people. Not everyone is the same.

Random Thoughts

For some reason today I feel extra happy. Although I came back an hour ago from an exam which I did well on. I think. I hope I did. I knew how to answer everything except one question. I did that on purpose because I did NOT want to study that part. I found it lame and stupid and I hated it.

Anyways.. So I am happy today. I donno why. I think because I didn’t stress my self. Which is always a bonus. Now I just have to go back to managing my time and see how to finish all my work on time. Deadlines deadlines.. Aaah..

Other than that.. hmm. I really don’t know what else is up. I think I am also happy cause I feel winter is leaving. Slowly leaving. The temperature is above zero. The snow is melting. It’s a good thing. Maybe that’s why. I swear since winter started this year I have been feeling so moody and so unhappy. I think that is my problem. Weather does affect our personas and moods. Aah.. If that is the case I need to go back to live south of the border. Hmm.. Florida sounds good right now.

So I am planning to go somewhere this summer. But I donno if I want to spend the cash. If I do I want to take my mom and sister with me. Hawaii sounds so nice right now.. Aaah.. Or maybe we can just go somewhere cheap and all inclusive like in Mexico or Cuba. My mom wants to go to England. But I will talk her out of it. I don’t want to go to Europe. I want to go to the south where beaches, hot weather, hot food and salsa is available 24/7!! Viva la Mexico! Hmm..

Funny, Random Thoughts

I have been out of it the past 2 days.. I got an exam for a very hard course I am taking tomorrow! (Why the hell did I take it and why! Oh wait I have to if I want to apply for Masters in ‘08!) I had another exam yesterday, but I spent last week studying for it and all day yesterday morning reviewing. It was easy for me. Well, I realized if I can answer all the questions without hesitating and being out of the exam room 15 – 30 min early than it must have been really easy or I completely lost my mind and wrote bullshit. I hope it is not the latter because I know I did well. I was actually curious all day to check if the exam was marked but maybe not till next week.

However, the one tomorrow will kill me. Yet, from all this nervous fear I feel confident. I spent all last night and all day today cramming into my head so much information!

So I will be counting the months till I finish all the courses I need and hope to apply for Masters in bloody Comp Sci! I really want to stop working and getting a much higher education. MBA was always on my mind. It was the initial stepping stone for me to go back to school and take more courses, but after doing some freelance work and having a small private business on the side and seeing how others who do have such business run it by taking advantage of people and their surroundings; I ended up really disliking the whole idea. I mean it is great to get an MBA, but I am really not up to it anymore. It’s not in my soul. I like to be a leader, but maybe not a business leader. I am too honest and I would actually follow business/work ethics extremely carefully that I won’t be making millions ever! :lol: I think I am just too honest and I am not that great at convincing. That is my problem. So I am better off in the IT field making custom software.

Well, if I don’t get into Masters and I am getting to the point of being utterly unmotivated, than all I can do is wait till December of this year and see if I want to stay at my job or not. It’s not cause of the work environment or anything. I am so used to it after 5 years that when hearing or witnessing anything bazaar that has become so normal, but at this point of my life, I really need to move on. I am not growing or progressing. I need challenges in my life to keep me interested. I mean, I work full time and I take enough courses per semester to keep me busy, and I still cannot find any challenges at work or life. I thought maybe if I had less hours to work by going to classes that I would feel pressure or challenge, but no. I just don’t feel it. I don’t even stay up late at nights. Nothing. I think I got good at managing my time that I am doing it unconsciously. I am actually planning ahead! Well a week ahead but that’s not bad. Major improvement.

So I don’t know, I guess after all these years and seeing how life is so boring and empty, that I really need to do something different and better with my life. So maybe by the time I am 30 I can be a manager at an IT corporation or something of that nature. I just have to keep my fingers crossed, save lots of money for more schooling, and keep praying that life will get better!

So that is my plan. So my thoughts are all over this evening. I am just thinking in far too many directions. Than I was blog hopping and I saw a video with this song in it and I was amazed. It reminded me so much of ME! Such a lovely song by Evanescence:

Random Thoughts