Reminiscing the past.
I was just browsing around facebook this morning. Yes I find it the best way to be nosy and no one knows about it. So I was jumping from one person’s profile to another. Daily I see new people’s profiles that I used to know from University. I was like wow. People I would never in a million years remember or bother thinking about are on there.
Anyways.. so I was just browsing around and I saw “his” pictures in some one else’s profile. I just sat there thinking.. why? I just said to my self why.. than I felt angry and pretty disgusted of my self. I know I should seriously stop my insanity and all my thinking but I just felt this strange feeling inside. 
A feeling of disgust and hate. I haven’t really hated a person that much in my life. I mean I was reading Qwaider’s article about relationships and stuff and seeing the pics on facebook at the same time. I felt like my life is empty. I felt why am I doing this? Why am I keeping my self overly depressed like this. I mean I don’t know if he ever loved me. Or maybe his definition of love is not what I thought it was and just played with my stupid head. I mean I have not seen him since last August. I have not talked to him or heard his voice really from last September. I have not chatted with him since beginning of January when I realized one day that I do hate him. That I have nothing left to say to him. I felt that I can tolerate and be friendly to anyone in the world but him. I hate it when people change and are so SELFISH. I was always blamed for being a person who has changed so much. That was his constant excuse.. and I was like no. I have always been like this. Being too nice! I mean I am nice. A little too nice and naive. I just like making people happy… but really.. no one has ever made me happy. No friends.. nothing. Than I see his pics and I just wished I can rip them apart. I mean I always have a fear that I might see him somewhere in the city by mistake. I know I would choke him or beat the shit out of him for wasting years of my life so he can just take money from me. I am still glad I took all my money back from him or I would have really felt like shit. I remember one time I was just sitting with him talking normal being “me“.. and he didn’t say a word or be active in a conversation. Even though he made me get out of work to see him. After an hour of really not understanding why he called me.. he says he needed money asap or he is screwed. I thought it was funny cause he was working too. But he didn’t make much as me at the time and he needed to fix his stupid car. (That’s why I refuse to buy a car. I hate cars!) .. so after a year of this incident.. when he got a real permanent job that he stopped talking to me. I would actually spend 2 or 3 days trying to get in touch with the ass so he can just say hi to me. After that he slowly stopped talking to me and ignoring to the point where he just quit talking. And if I tried to talk to him he would say he is busy and has no time. I mean I work full time and I take more random courses to fill my time, but I have more time in the world than anyone would imagine. It’s amazing how I can manage my time and still go to the mall! 
Anyways.. so that’s just one of the stories. You know. I am thinking of just writing a story of the past every now and then. Just to make up for the time where I should have made a blog. I was actually thinking of making a blog from way back.. When blogs became popular but I wasn’t much of a writer and I spent more time on the net looking for jobs. That didn’t work out well since I am still at my current job. I think my current job is ok. I don’t regret it or anything.. but it may have been better if I left it when I graduated 3 years ago and not accepted a full time position. I should have.. but I donno why I didn’t. I still don’t know. Maybe I should start again in the summer or by the end of this year. I really need a change. But I always say that when I am pissed off and I feel like a big time change. But in reality I am lazy and I don’t feel like doing anything. I am doing my stupid assignment now and I would rather write than figure it out! Aaghhh.. I need more of a challenge!! I am still hoping to keep doing well and apply for Masters!! That would be a lot of fun! NOT! But it would be a good excuse to be a full time student again and not work! I just have to keep my fingers crossed.. but I know I am lazy and one day I will just end up being a bum programmer forever.. Zzzz
I am neither western nor middle eastern. I don’t like to be a part of either one. I like being me. I like my own individual thoughts. I don’t like Western society. I don’t like Middle eastern society. I just cannot accept either or. It’s not my thing. I don’t want to be stereotyped as a person who doesn’t accept the society I live in. I don’t care about it. I don’t base my life on accepting it and being like it. What is it with Arabs and their thoughts about girls in North America? They think cause we live here that we are adapted to the society we live in and that should be our lifestyle. I don’t think so. My life style is what I chose for my self. My parents are pretty care free and let me do what ever I want. It’s because I don’t do anything they never have a problem or keep questioning what I do. I never get questioned. I never get asked where I am going or who I am with. Cause I don’t do anything or want to. My parents keep forcing me to do things. To go out to do things and I am just not in the mood. I used to do many things. I used to do crazy wild things behind their backs in my early University days. Going to parties all the times, having a boyfriend for 4 years. I am still amazed how I managed to keep that a secret from EVERYONE for 4.5 years almost. But now, I just don’t enjoy it anymore. I grew out of it. I was offered alcohol, cigarettes, pot.. etc.. everything in the book. I just didn’t want to do any of them. It’s not like the devil wasn’t in my head telling me to do it. I guess I am just odd and I have a really bad conscious and I just say no to anything. I just found it morally wrong and unhealthy.