The pain within
I have been trying hard to keep my spirits high and be happy. Try to joke around and have fun. I think that is always a good booster in moral. Maybe. I guess life continues. I am in a mid-point zone. I have been trying to keep my self idle and do nothing drastic. I am just letting life take its course. But somehow I still feel empty inside. I am not enjoying life like I am suppose to. I remember when I was little and I kept waiting to grow up. Because as a grown up I would have more fun and do things that are a lot cooler. However, I was wrong. It’s true as a person told me long ago, I can’t remember who but they told me that it’s no fun growing up at all. That life becomes boring, too many responsibilities.. and it is just not that great… Now as the days go by, I just feel that life is somewhat empty. I feel like I have nothing really to look forward to anymore. Nothing at all.
Maybe I am extremely depressed. I mean I am not as depressed as I used to be. I used to be manic depressive some days.. suicidal depressive on others. I mean I don’t do the crazy things I used to. I used to take sleeping pills all the time, and some days take far too many. Now I just feel so mellow and depressed in a weird way. Like internal depression. I feel most of the time I want to be alone. I want to just be in my own place with no one to bother me or talk to me until I figure out what I really want to do with my life. I really have been so unfocused and careless. I just think there is too much going on around me that I seriously don’t want to be involved in anything. And lately I have been have major chess pains and bad breathing points. I think I am hyperventilating cause of uncontrolled stress. I am really getting pissed off lately. A little too much and maybe that’s the cause. I just like to control things around me the way I want them to be. It’s so hard cause I am stubborn and want things done my way. 
What am I to do?
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I like your posts because they remind me of a dark phase in my life, where I had exactly those same feelings, where I was so depressed believeing that there will be no tomorrow.. wether there is, or there is not.. I didn’t care! It didn’t make the slightest difference.. yes I was this depressed!
I used to count the days, and if Im happy or appear to be happy that would be an achievement.. I don’t like to lecture, but I’ve been there.. and I know exactly how it feels.. Your posts make me realise how far i’ve come..
There’s nothing you can do to change the way you feel, but to change it starting from yourself.. heart and mind! If there’s will and determination then you’ll be able to get through it.. you just need to find something new to get yourself busy with *(mentally too)! At that time of my life I was addicted to going out with friends, never stayed home, and it helped a lot.. so that was work and morning and outings in the evening! didnt have time to even think of what’s bothering me… idn’t give up to such thoughts! Those outings were the joy of my life.. if there are people who you can go out and laugh or cry.. share things with or just talk about normal life issues then do it! sharing always.. ALWAYS .. helps you to get over the worst..
yah.. that’s what I am trying to do.. vent out all my feelings and write about it. I am not a very talkative person in real life. Like I talk, but never anything personal. I just can’t express my self verbally.. so I do it in writing.
Anyways Dima, thanks a lot for your comment. It’s nice that someone actually posts a comment of their experiences and that makes me realize I am not alone on this depressive boat..
Ive known this blog for quite awhile, but let me tell you somthing, whenever someone gets to that depression point is when you really need to be with someone, that someone is a husband, so get married soon amd believe me u wont ever remember ur past
Mona!
Remember that we’re not just physical material beings that become old and depreciate. You can maintain and even develop the most beautiful inner aspects of purity and curiousity of childhood but without the dependency and neediness that goes with it. If you can do that you will feel the benefit of the years and actually enjoy it. Your feelings of sadness are a sign of a living heart that is sensitive to the roughness of daily life but you have enough inner strength to deal with that, just needs thought and practice.
Co… get married soon eh? Yah I find it so simple when I loved someone for almost 5 years and he fucken decided to leave me just like that.. I don’t want to go into details.. but getting married is not as simple as you think..
M.N.. thanks for your wise words.. plus I missed you!! where have u been!
honeymooning!! 
I’ve exactly been through the same situation, and wen i got ger heart back and all was okay, i asked her to marry me :O, so she said yes and all that, but when it got all serious and stuff, she starts making excuses, so now and frankly, i dont believe in long relationship before marriage. I’ve known and been through so many, and now from experinces, i can say, when you have the chance grap it and go ahead with it. and cut off the smooth talking and all that crap love talk before the wedding.