The Secret Crush

I remember when I was 18. I first came to University. I didn’t know anyone. I was in this strange little world. I didn’t know who to talk to. For three weeks I was getting adjusted. Than it was club’s week at the University. I decided to join the Arab club. I was very patriotic and it was a good chance to meet educated Arabs at the University. I joined, and I went to the first meeting. Many Arabs were there. Arabs that I would never in a million years think they are Arabs. Than I sat there. Didn’t know anyone. I didn’t look like I belonged within this crowd. I looked very young with my dark skin and large eyes. I didn’t speak Arabic well. I am bilingual but I lost the Arabic speech as I lived in USA isolated from Arabs for so long. So I sat there. As the meeting began I saw him. The mysterious guy that I would be in love with for years to come. I saw him and it was love from first sight. The mysterious look. The unusual charisma. The smile. Everything I ever wanted. The days passed and I would see him around. I never talked to him. Never dared to say a word. Yet as I walked by him or close to him, I would see his eyes meeting mine. A paused look at each other. No facial expressions. Just a gazed look. Nothing more.

The days passed. The years passed. After 3 years. I met the person who was supposedly my love. A hasty move that I still regret till this day. The 4 year entanglement that I was involved in. Even during the days where I was involved with him, I would remember the crush. The man that I could stare at for hours and not understand. I think I had the childish curiosity to figure out who he really is. To just come close and talk to him. To hear what he will say. To hear what I will say back. Through all those years. Through all that time and pain and suffering and involvement of someone else. I was cheating my self. I was only thinking of someone else. My childish curiosity till this day keeps me wondering. What if? I was cheating. I was a cheater and that is why I could not truly love. I didn’t want to sacrifice and compromise a decent relationship because I was still thinking of someone else. I am a cheater. Till this day I think. I wonder. I keep searching to feed my curiosity. To get the answer I want. Will he ever talk to me? Will he ever say anything to me. Ha. I am delusional. I cheated my self for all these years and I keep trying to find the answer. Now. What can I say?

The reason I am mentioning this because he is on Facebook. The website where you can find anyone you don’t want to see. It has everyone. And at this moment, I feel like I am back to being 18. Still curious. Still wondering, and wishing that I can find the answer I am looking for.

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