I am mean. I am evil. I do not like spam. Especially the disgusting no good human spam. The smell of that odor kills my senses. It is making me ill as I am typing. I don’t care too much about robotic automated spam. My spam filter can catch it. I just don’t like to deal with the worst type of spam. I really don’t want to monitor human mental waste. Please don’t come here to my blog to dump your wasteful thoughts. I do read every single comment. I accept tasteful criticism. However, if you come here just to attack or post a very negative comment to belittle me, to show how your backwards mentality works, than by all means, go ahead, you are only spam. So spam away. I don’t care. The more you spam, the more my spam filter will enjoy eating your sorry childish writing. So please, keep spamming so I can laugh at your stupidity.

If you think this is unfair, than no it is not. It is my site, I paid for the domain name. I pay for monthly hosting. I created the site. I post here daily dumping my thought for the world to read. Yet, I control who can comment. You got something intelligent to post than great. If this bothers you, than I can solve this once and for all. I will block your IP address from even viewing my site. That’s more fair right?

Anyone got a problem with it?

Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!

I remember when I was 18. I first came to University. I didn’t know anyone. I was in this strange little world. I didn’t know who to talk to. For three weeks I was getting adjusted. Than it was club’s week at the University. I decided to join the Arab club. I was very patriotic and it was a good chance to meet educated Arabs at the University. I joined, and I went to the first meeting. Many Arabs were there. Arabs that I would never in a million years think they are Arabs. Than I sat there. Didn’t know anyone. I didn’t look like I belonged within this crowd. I looked very young with my dark skin and large eyes. I didn’t speak Arabic well. I am bilingual but I lost the Arabic speech as I lived in USA isolated from Arabs for so long. So I sat there. As the meeting began I saw him. The mysterious guy that I would be in love with for years to come. I saw him and it was love from first sight. The mysterious look. The unusual charisma. The smile. Everything I ever wanted. The days passed and I would see him around. I never talked to him. Never dared to say a word. Yet as I walked by him or close to him, I would see his eyes meeting mine. A paused look at each other. No facial expressions. Just a gazed look. Nothing more.

The days passed. The years passed. After 3 years. I met the person who was supposedly my love. A hasty move that I still regret till this day. The 4 year entanglement that I was involved in. Even during the days where I was involved with him, I would remember the crush. The man that I could stare at for hours and not understand. I think I had the childish curiosity to figure out who he really is. To just come close and talk to him. To hear what he will say. To hear what I will say back. Through all those years. Through all that time and pain and suffering and involvement of someone else. I was cheating my self. I was only thinking of someone else. My childish curiosity till this day keeps me wondering. What if? I was cheating. I was a cheater and that is why I could not truly love. I didn’t want to sacrifice and compromise a decent relationship because I was still thinking of someone else. I am a cheater. Till this day I think. I wonder. I keep searching to feed my curiosity. To get the answer I want. Will he ever talk to me? Will he ever say anything to me. Ha. I am delusional. I cheated my self for all these years and I keep trying to find the answer. Now. What can I say?

The reason I am mentioning this because he is on Facebook. The website where you can find anyone you don’t want to see. It has everyone. And at this moment, I feel like I am back to being 18. Still curious. Still wondering, and wishing that I can find the answer I am looking for.

Blah Blah

I sit here and think. I keep wondering and thinking about life. Today I felt blank. No thoughts or anything that relates to my life. I cannot think anymore. I cannot put any thoughts together what so ever. All day long I kept having this strange headache and a loss of sight. I just didn’t have the level of concentration that I need to survive the day. Even with two cups of coffee I just felt ill. I thought I had a cold, but it is more than that. I don’t know what is wrong with me.

I think maybe I am just tired and overwhelmed with life. I feel at times that I want to sit somewhere and just listen to soft music and talk to someone nice. A nice friend. Someone who will talk about anything. No strings attached. Just someone who is willing to listen. Lately I have felt that no one wants to listen to me or talk to me. They got tired of me. I tend to complain a lot when I am nervous or upset. And that’s understandable. I wouldn’t want to listen to me either. That’s why I write it here and pretend I said it to someone else and they have to suffer.

I wish at times that I was emotionless. That I didn’t have to think or feel anything. At times I feel that I may be cold hearted and unfriendly. I want to portray a stronger image of my self but I can’t because I know deep down inside I am a very weak person. I am too sensitive. I run away from the pain. I have a fear of being hurt. I think I have been permanently damaged from the inside emotionally. I don’t know what to do. At times I wish I just didn’t have to suffer anymore. I wish I didn’t have to think or feel the pain.

Most of the time I feel like I am hallucinating.�? Maybe I am now.

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post

I’m sitting here thinking.. and wishing I can play a game. I am serious. I am thinking of playing a computer game. I miss strategy games. I miss playing Civilization and winning. And winning again.. than getting bored and using cheat codes to get more stuff right in the beginning. I miss my addiction. I want to think. I want to stimulate my brain doing something fun. You won’t believe how much history I learned from playing games. The games are probably not that accurate but really amusing… I really want to play a game! I love historical orÂ�? mythical games. Hehe.. I am also thinking of watching 300 again! I love the fight scenes. I want to do that today.. or maybe tomorrow..Â�? I just want to kill time.. but I have last minute assignments and stuff to hand it tomorrow.. Poor me.. I have to do homework!!

Funny, Random Thoughts

My boss sent me this interesting link of a cartoon about how projects really work. It’s quite interesting and somewhat true. http://www.projectcartoon.com/cartoon/644/ ..

So what you think?

Random Thoughts