This morning I sat with my mom and she was telling me all the lovely stories of other people’s daughters.. (typical ARAB).. anyways.. she is like this girl is getting engaged and it turns out she met him off the INTERNET. I was like so what? A better match that is for sure. She is like it’s so common now a days. I am like yah so.. She then told me this…”Leesh ma inty fal7a wa etla2y wa7ed heek!”.. translation.. (Why don’t you be smart about it and find a guy that way too!).. I looked at her.. with my red eyes and angry tone and said… “NO!.. I don’t care about these things at all… I DON’T WANT ANYONE!”..

I can’t believe it has gotten to this point.. It’s not like I never met any guys off the net.. but still.. I don’t want to anymore. I just have no time and a lot of guys I talked to out there are fucken messed up.. I don’t want to begin explaining the horror stories.. So I just want to be alone.. I am serious.. I want to do my own thing.. be alone.. nothing to worry about for a bit.. But to actually like someone again or even “love” someone again.. I doubt it. Not any time soon and maybe never.

Aaah my mom.. I love her to death.. but she friggen drives me bonkers in the morning!!

They said what?, Whatever!

I have been trying hard to keep my spirits high and be happy. Try to joke around and have fun. I think that is always a good booster in moral. Maybe. I guess life continues. I am in a mid-point zone. I have been trying to keep my self idle and do nothing drastic. I am just letting life take its course. But somehow I still feel empty inside. I am not enjoying life like I am suppose to. I remember when I was little and I kept waiting to grow up. Because as a grown up I would have more fun and do things that are a lot cooler. However, I was wrong. It’s true as a person told me long ago, I can’t remember who but they told me that it’s no fun growing up at all. That life becomes boring, too many responsibilities.. and it is just not that great… Now as the days go by, I just feel that life is somewhat empty. I feel like I have nothing really to look forward to anymore. Nothing at all.

Maybe I am extremely depressed. I mean I am not as depressed as I used to be. I used to be manic depressive some days.. suicidal depressive on others. I mean I don’t do the crazy things I used to. I used to take sleeping pills all the time, and some days take far too many. Now I just feel so mellow and depressed in a weird way. Like internal depression. I feel most of the time I want to be alone. I want to just be in my own place with no one to bother me or talk to me until I figure out what I really want to do with my life. I really have been so unfocused and careless. I just think there is too much going on around me that I seriously don’t want to be involved in anything. And lately I have been have major chess pains and bad breathing points. I think I am hyperventilating cause of uncontrolled stress. I am really getting pissed off lately. A little too much and maybe that’s the cause. I just like to control things around me the way I want them to be. It’s so hard cause I am stubborn and want things done my way. What am I to do?

Blah Blah

I can’t believe it is April already. The days are rushing by so fast it’s unbelievable. I just look back and think wow, life has just been flying by so quickly. I just think aah… I wish I can just settle down and have a focus in life. I feel like I am all over the place. Like this time last year I had a better vision of the future and what I wanted to do. Now I just feel like it is a blank picture. I need to do something that is worth my time.

I wonder what I will do. I need something more exciting in my life. Like a phase to discover me. A me time. Hehe.. That’s funny how that sounded, “a me time”. So funny.

Seriously, the days are just going by and I need find my path. I think I am a little bit more up beat now. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and everything so bright and green. Everything is growing and coming out to enjoy life, and I need to do that. To go out and do something fun.

Sometimes I think and think. Maybe I should stop thinking and just do something. Like today I refused to work on my project. (I lost hope in my group). I took the morning and afternoon off and went to the mall and I felt like spending! I tried to spend but every time I bought something, it would be on sale for like 25 or 30 percent off. Great! Can you imagine me in New York? hmm. I would go shopping crazy!! hehehe.. I love shopping! It makes me feel great. Although lately I am not into buying lots of clothes or anything. I want to but I am so picky when it comes to summer and spring clothes. It is so revealing here and I have to search for a while to find suitable clothes to wear. I mean I saw a shirt that was not a shirt and it was like a tank top but not a tank top and it had a bra built into it. It was wierd. I looked at it and thought, who the hell would wear this. It’s not lingerie, it’s not a shirt, then it must be a shirtagerie. Only explanation!

So anyways.. I might spend my evening browsing around eBay and looking for nice clothes and shoes. I need something unique!

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

So I am still awake pissed off and moody and I really don’t want to talk to anyone. The world has many fucked up people and I have to work with them and I cannot control it. I need to control it! Aghh! That’s my problem. I need to control things around me in order to contain my sanity. I am loosing it. People piss me off to the point where I rather be a loner and not talk or work or do anything with anyone! Why couldn’t they clone me so I can have someone exactly like me who can actually understand what the hell I am talking about. I am very pissed now! People make me mad! I swear, if there was no order and no laws I would have seriously done some serious smacking!

I am fed up. I want to be alone! It has gotten to the point where I rather sit in my little bubble away from people for a long time.

Why am I ranting so much about this. Here is a listing of things I hate about human sociological behaviour:

1. Humans don’t care about anything but them selves, hence they are “selfish”.

2. Humans don’t care if someone depends on them right now, hence they are “ignorant”, “selfish”, and “stupid”.

3. Humans have the average intelligence of a dog since we know cats are smarter and can get something done if they wanted to!

4. Humans need to be pushed and told what to do a million times before they get anything done, hence a dog at this point is slightly smarter cause they can follow directions when told!

5. Humans need to be disciplined in many ways in order to not repeat their mistake, yet they still repeat it cause they are “stupid”.

6. Humans don’t like to do anything productive or good to humanity in general because they are “pathetic”.

Aaah I hate humans! If I had any authority I would kill some now!

By the way.. It’s April 1st. So April fools!!

oh.. I am still anti-human.. but I have high tolerance to stupid people. I just control my anger by back stabbing them! lol. Yes I am a bitch but what else can a girl do to survive around a world of idiots?

Blah Blah