May
29
Make sure you read part 1 first here and then part 2 here or it wouldn’t make sense!
Ok this is going to be a long one and I got an hour to write. So I will begin by saying that the story that I have told so far was completely in the past. I don’t feel any pain or any remorse anymore. I feel nothing towards him and my life for 4 years was a chaotic battle between him and my feelings. It caused me great depression and I think I got over it but I ended it in a very mean way.
So I started this blog. Guess who I told first about it? Duh! Obviously him! It was my master piece. I had it all nicely done with a custom template I made. And when did I begin writing in it? On my 25th birthday. Obviously he forgot it was my birthday. It was a great start to my blog! So day after day I kept writing events. Thoughts that I would not say out loud. Accusations and blames. I started to gain fans. I seemed to have touched other people with my writing and my feelings that I grew to write more and more. To tell others what happened, and why. That obviously did not please him. He hated it. He hates my blog with a passion. He hated the title and couldn’t believe I would start such a site and start talking. He was deeply offended. He stopped talking to me for a while. He was busy with his career that he stopped bothering. The funny thing is, that every time I mentioned him, he would actually post a comment on my post to retaliate and prove his point. Many times I deleted his comments because I didn’t want him to appear as a fool and start fighting using my blog.
Since I did not see him much, he didn’t even call, or even email, he used my blog as a way to communicate with me. Soon I started meeting other guys and dating them. I wrote about it and I guess it made him more mad. I remember one day I saw him and he kept asking me about this guy or that. I looked at him and wondered why does he even care or bother to ask? Was he jealous? I obviously went on with my life. I tried my best to sway away from him. To see what is out there and meet other people. To find real friends who are actually willing to listen and not criticize me. So I wrote a lot and complained a lot. I felt that I had to get it out or I will seriously cause my self a lot of pain. I was very hot blooded, and I still am. I started to get more mad over the weeks. I just felt that I had so much pain and so many things going on in my head that it slowly made me so pessimistic and seemed to be a person that hated life.
I hated life. I didn’t know why of all people I had to suffer cause of my stupidity. I wanted to convince my self that I hate him with every tiny being of my soul. I just wanted to keep convincing my self yes I hate him. He made me miserable and I just couldn’t stand him anymore. I didn’t want to be around him and I didn’t want to see him anymore.
After a while, 2 months into my writing someone emailed me from my blog saying she relates to my writing. She couldn’t believe that someone out there shared her pain and feelings and she wanted to meet me. So I met her the next day. From that day I realized that others suffered more then me. Others had similar problems and didn’t know what to do either and I was to help them because I spoke out and I didn’t keep it inside me. From that day I met a true friend that seemed to understand me and not judge me and not criticize what I had to say. I could share my pain finally with someone else. There was good in other people after all and were willing to listen. I was happy. Finally.
The summer passed and I started to open up more and try to have more fun with life. To meet other people and just try to live life in a joyful matter. My problem was that I was still angry and it showed. I had hard time trying to contain my anger anymore and I didn’t know how to control it. I became this angry person and I became defensive about everything. I stopped letting people push me over.
So summer passed and the communication with him became non existent. Last time I saw him was August of last year. He invited me for lunch and I just tagged along. I wondered why he did and I was like eh, people are people. I just wanted to have a nice lunch.
This is when I finally realized how much I hated him. He sat there with all pride and talking like he is a big shot. He then told me he was going on a holiday with his cousins and other guys to Montreal and he would be out clubbing and having fun all weekend. And God knows where else he goes. I didn’t even want to know. I just sat there thinking why the hell am I sitting here? He kept ordering the waitresses around and was rude to them. When he finally wanted to pay (he paid.. surprising eh!).. he sat there with his credit cards flashing them and asking me “which one should I use today?”
After that moment when he dropped me off I felt disgusted. I was disgusted I actually sat with him and talked to him. I just couldn’t stand him anymore. He barely communicated with me. I was busy with my life and I didn’t have time. Until one day I snapped. I didn’t know what happened to me but I felt that I needed to bitch. I wanted to complain. But to who? To him of course! So I was mean and nasty and sent him an email. Not any ordinary email, but a bill! Yes an online bill. I said “since you no longer want to talk to me and you seem to not care and you have a stable job, please give me back ALL my money. XXXX.XX amount! ”
I said more than that but that was the jist of it. Obviously it was a shock to him. I remembered and I asked for it! I got tired that he didn’t have any morals and respect towards me! He didn’t even bother to think, well I am working now maybe I should give her back her money. Nothing. So I became mean. I just snapped to a point where I hated my self. I hated how I became. A ruthless revengeful person who didn’t care or trust anyone anymore. I just wanted what is mine and that was it! I couldn’t stand being a push over. I didn’t care what people thought of me. I just wanted what is mine and I was no longer NICE! I lost trust in people. I found it very hard to trust people anymore and I only resorted to my anger and cold heartedness to get what I wanted. Once anyone crossed the line I cut it! I didn’t trust people and I didn’t want to talk to anyone or be involved with anyone anymore. I just wanted a friend. That’s all I wanted at that point in my life. I couldn’t get it from him so I moved on with my life. I just didn’t look back and regret what I have done, but I did till this day regret ever meeting him. The more stories I heard of him the more I hated him. The more I wanted to just leave this city, leave my past and just go somewhere else! I wanted to just move on.
I still hope that I can just forget, but I will never forgive. Because from meeting lots of people in this world I realized that I could only find a pin drop in a hay stack that is worth my time. I can find a lot of hay strands and a bunch flying around, but to find something more valuable would be quite a challenge. So far I only have two or three pin drops that I searched for so long and they earned my trust and my love. But to find a jewel and someone to actually love again would be a miracle. I may need help or maybe a bit of motivation to think of life more positively and hoping that my future would be a lot better. A lot brighter and a lot happier! 
So that’s the summary of my story and the reason this blog came to life. It was born out of hatred and revenge, but I am trying to change that. Maybe I should rebel against the injustice of the world!! Too many problems and I got lots to say and a lot of time to write it down!
May
28
Make sure you read part 1 first here or it wouldn’t make sense!
I totally forgot where I left off. I am spending my time re-reading and seeing where I left off. Aah yes.. the summer when I was hired full time. I guess I was destined for a better future. I tried my best to keep my self upbeat and happy. It was hard. Deep down inside I still liked him. For other reasons. I guess I tried my hardest to stay positive and hoping that yes maybe deep down inside he did like me but he was having issues. Although I should have ended it then. But he still acted friendly and nice to me. He then got a job again.. but this time to the nemesis of our network. He didn’t last a month. I guess he couldn’t stand the fact that I was now at a good position and treated well and he went down the scale. I guess he didn’t like the fact that he lost so much and at the same time he wanted to stay close to me. Then at the same time he couldn’t handle it. He had his own problems but being broke was the worst part. It caused him major depression and it made me sad. Cause deep down inside I did feel the pain. I felt bad. I felt like I was the cause and I just tried too hard to comfort him and still be a friend.
I guess liking someone than end up being friends is not that easy. So time passed.. summer passed and things were normal. Then he got him self a job. It wasn’t as great as the job he had with me but he was able to work nights and weekends. Which was great since he was in school. Just hanging out and trying to be “friends”. However, deep down inside I didn’t want a friendship with a guy. Then around my 24th birthday he decided to leave town. He didn’t even want to hang out with me because he didn’t want to spend money on a gift. Although he had a job he just didn’t want to go through the hassle. I told him if we were friends presents are not important. Hanging out going out to eat is good enough. He just didn’t listen and just left town. He didn’t want to be here. I felt alone and no one cared to even say happy birthday to me. He just didn’t care and I thought of him as my only friend. That’s when my true depression hit me. It made me hate my life. It made me dread each birthday.. it made me dread growing old and unloved and with no one caring about me. I became suicidal. I just wished at times I didn’t have to live such a life. I was used and felt unworthy to anyone. I didn’t know why either. I kept thinking that I was maybe a bad person that no one liked. I just didn’t have anyone on my side. I just didn’t know why.
So days passed. His birthday came up and I decided to be a good hearted person and I got him a gift. He was in shock and begged me to take it back. I was like why? It’s your birthday. We are friends right? I guess I did it to see his reaction. To show him I don’t forget. I care. I just wanted to have a nice friendship at that point. Just be friends.
At that time, I didn’t really have a path in life. I guess deep down inside I just wanted to have a peaceful life and be married and have a nice family. I was willing to wait. I was a very patient person. So I just let life pass by.. So time flew by. I barely saw him or talked to him much. He occasionally passed by my work and we just hung out or had lunch. Normal. I didn’t really care at that point. I tried my best to accept the fact we are friends. That’s all. I just couldn’t handle it. I kept telling my self, why am I friends with this guy? He made my life miserable. Was I that lonely? Was I that depressed that I just needed someone to talk to so badly that I only resorted to him? At that time of my life I became more gloomy. More sad. At times I just broke down crying for no reason. I just felt enormous pain and sadness. People my age were married. Had kids. Had nice lives.
I just felt unfortunate. And he was there, yet I didn’t know why he was still there. I just hoped deep down inside he still liked me and was just being friendly and didn’t want a commitment till he had a stable job and done school. So I just waited and waited. My patience was at its peek. Then summer came. I felt him being more distant. I understood that he was working and busy.. but I didn’t see him. He barely called or talked to me. I didn’t see him at all. I felt he didn’t care. I mean friends see each other from time to time.. but 8 weeks! 8 weeks I didn’t see him! He kept saying he is busy.. how busy can people really get? I just felt neglected and not having any friends. And the only person I thought of as a friend didn’t even care to see me. It’s enough he broke my heart, but to neglect me even as a friend. I just couldn’t handle it. He kept telling me he is out playing soccer.. ok great.. but who the hell plays soccer at 11 pm or 12 am? Later I realized he was always out with his cousins or trashy Arab guys drinking and at clubs or bars.. that’s all he did. That was his leisure.
One time I asked him why the hell he goes to club? Why the hell he drinks..? Want to hear the funny answer? He said.. “Arab married guys do it too. So what?” At that point I felt like I just wanted to kill him.. I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He then said, “everyone does it.. so what.. this is what Arab guys do!”.. I felt disgusted. Which Arab guys? The trashy ones of course..
So fall came again and I just stayed in touch with him.. I still had hope. I had faith in someone that I just wished he would go back to his old self. Or to the person I once knew him as. I just always had a positive optimistic view of life and people. Until the day.. He got hired at a company. A real salary. More than me.. and I was so happy for him. I was like finally. He got his brake and maybe he will change and won’t be depressed and cranky anymore. Things will just go back to normal… but I was wrong.. nothing changed and things got worse.. that’s when I felt more depressed and I just wanted to talk. I wanted to blurt out to anyone.. but who? I didn’t want to talk to people around me. I didn’t want people to judge me. I just resorted to this. So I made a blog. This blog. I felt I needed to tell a story. To share something. To tell the world that I will not stand it anymore. I was tired of being pushed over and used. I was tired of having to live this stupid backwards Arab mentality life and it’s people. I got tired of hypocrites and two-faced Arabs..
So I made my blog. I decided to put a word that would cause friction. Will cause questions. Will cause people to talk and take me seriously. I just wanted to start a rebellion. Against being me. Against being my self. Against being an Arab girl trapped in this little world of mine. The depression killed me. It destroyed me. It made me a sensitive person who wasn’t able to talk. I needed to speak out. I just had to say something.
That’s how the true problems began. That’s when my thoughts were spoken out loud. They were written for the world to see. It was written for him to read.. It was the beginning of the end.
Part 3 of the story to be continued tomorrow.
May
27
I have been getting some emails from numerous people who have actually been reading my blog but didn’t go too much into the past to know the entire story. Or maybe I have never explained it. I actually gotten people wondering how a Palestinian girl who is 26 (far too old in their eyes) not be married or engaged since I have a job and whatnot. Also people have been wondering about the real story of how I was with a guy for 4 years and it ended very badly. Well I will begin explaining the beginning. How it all started. I was 20 years old. Pretty immature in my world. When I was 20 I was pretty shy and didn’t talk to people much. I had my clan of friends who weren’t even pure Arabs or Muslim. I never really gotten along with Arab girls. They just didn’t like the fact I was too open minded about life and I disagreed with their viewpoints. So one day I met him. By mistake you could say. It was fate in a strange way. So I met him and I had this strange attraction to a guy I had no idea who he was. He was new in town and a transfer to my University. I guess I was attracted to him cause he was computer geeky. I love computer geeks!
In the beginning when I met him I was not really thinking of dating or anything. It was normal. Just meeting someone. My friends dragged me and begged me to go out with him. They had kept a bet to see who will get married first. And it seems I was a candidate cause back then I was actually cute and I had far too big Arabian eyes. (none of us is married till now.. ) 
… so after a few months.. maybe 3 or 4 he said he actually liked me more than a friend. I guess at that age (I was 21 by then) I just wanted someone to actually like me for who I am. I felt special for a while. That someone actually likes me for who I am. I felt comfort and felt like we were meant to be together. We had a lot in common and we just got along great. I guess before really knowing him he seemed perfect in my eyes. He didn’t drink or go clubbing or anything. Just went to school and that’s it and hanged out with me. After a while I got a job and I started making money. I was pretty much broke. My family was poor. My dad kept going from job to job and at 12 bucks an hour I was supporting my family paying some bills and food. I learned to really manage my money. At the same time I changed. I became depressed and hated my life. My depression slowly took over me and I wished I was just married and lived my own life not having to worry about my family. I was pretty much selfish and I got tired of supporting them since they didn’t support me for school or anything. After a while he got a job too. With me! I don’t know why I dragged him to work with me. That was a biggest mistake of my life. However, he was talented for what he knew.
However, that is all he knew. I am pretty much a diverse person. I know a lot. I may be good at what I do. I like computers and stuff, but I like life too. I like to talk about many subjects. Many things in life that intrigue me. I read a lot and pretty much I like to be culturally diverse. He didn’t. After a while I realized I can never have a discussion with him outside the computer world. I didn’t know what to do. I got bored of only talking about computers. Before going explaining that, let’s go back a bit first. He actually told his parents about me and he actually told them he wanted me. I guess he had to wait till he was done school and actually had money first. Which was understandable. I was pretty patient. But I guess I wanted more of a commitment. I was stupid. I let it drag on with no commitment and it caused so many problems. I was pretty much quiet about the whole thing. Cause obviously respectable Arab girls don’t go out with a guy or date unless it was official.
I guess in the back of my mind since I am a stubborn person who likes to take things one step at a time didn’t want a commitment unless I was 100% sure of faithfulness. 100% sure he was the one. I guess I was most of the time thinking 50% maybe. Not even. Maybe less than that. So as we were working together it caused a lot of friction. It caused him a great deal of greed and wasting money. I was very careful of money and I just kept saving and barely buying anything for my self. I knew that life is hard and no one will help me in the future. I have to help my self. So I worked hard and I tried to keep my self focused. Half the time he didn’t work hard. Half the time he was just lazy or had more important things to worry about.
Then his first car broke down. He blamed me because I was with him earlier and we had a fight. It was a major fight that I broke down and cried cause of him and just left. He left mad. Later that evening I heard from his cousin that his car’s brakes broke and he had to jump out of it. And his cousin thought I was with him. I was like holy crap. So that same evening he came online after he came back from the hospital because he scraped his knees and came online and told me. IT is ALL your fault. I lost my car! That is when I felt like I was nothing to him. He cared more about a car than me. So I slowly detached from him. Only for a while. The problem was more into the fact he worked with me. That caused the awkwardness. However, I guess we made up and we forgot about it. He managed to use public transportation.. only for a while.
That’s when the problems started again. He got a loan from the bank to buy a car. After a while I guess the bank got tired of loaning him money that I became a bank. I guess I was too naive and too nice. To me one thing I can’t stand in life is seeing someone depressed and not be able to help. So I guess I was the help. I wish I wasn’t. But I guess my good heart and faithfulness got the best of me.
I was pretty much used. So after a while, more problems arose. Fixing the cars and paying the bank back monthly was causing him grief. It was causing me grief because at the same time I was giving my family money in order to pay bills and food. I was at 15 an hour and I just learned to just save and save. It was hard but it helped out my family a lot. I guess in the end they are the most important people in my life and they will never just leave me. It was hard but all these events caused me to just be gloomy and depressed. I was torn between him and my family. I didn’t know who to help anymore and why?
After a while I realized he wasn’t planning or thinking of returning any of the money I gave him. I thought well I won’t ask. It is not a problem. I guess at times I thought that I will have a future with him. So I was letting things just take their course and not think about it. Then after a while he bought a brand new $2500 laptop. That’s when I realized he cared more about what he wanted and never bothered to give me back my money. The money I was trying to save since I was supporting my family. And whatever I was earning was all gone. It was very hard to save money but I tried. I really tried. It was hard but I kept trying.
Then the biggest problem happened. His brother broke up with his fiance. I didn’t like her or like her family even. So I didn’t care. I was like good. So a few days after that.. slowly I saw how he changed towards me. He became distant. Then he said he didn’t want me anymore and doesn’t want to ever get married. I was like what. “What the hell did I do? And after all I have done for you!” He never answered. He never gave me a reason. He just decided to end everything (2 years into the relationship).. and I just didn’t think too much about it. I just didn’t let it bother me and I thought maybe his family is going through a hard time. I was more considerate. I just gave him space.
From giving him space he seemed to still talk to me. He actually became more open. He started hanging out more with his cousins and he even tells me he goes to clubs and out drinking. That’s when I started wanting to not be around him anymore. It disgusted me. I just wanted to end this misery I put my self through. At times I just wanted my money back and just end this. I didn’t want him. I didn’t even want to be his friend. I don’t like guys drinking and going out to clubs. Especially him because after a while I realized he has been doing it all along. It is the cause of him sleeping in and being lazy and not showing up to work half the time. I never knew. I never bothered to ask.
So I just accepted things I guess. I just stayed quiet and just did my work. We always fought though. I guess we couldn’t get along even as friends. At the same time I wanted to be with him. I was alone. I was lonely. I spent my time working and working. I had no life. I didn’t want to think about making money to support my family. So after a while my dad got a job and I wasn’t needed anymore. Although I wasn’t making much I started to save. I just saved penny by penny that within a few weeks I had 1000’s in the bank. I was happy. I was being in control of my future and not having to worry about money. However, he had problems. He didn’t know how to manage him self or paying back the bank. He didn’t know how to fix his car anymore. It’s funny all this since I was working at the same rate as he was and I was able to support an entire family!
So things became more awkward. At times we were more enemies than friends. We fought a lot because I was trying to help him with his money problems. I was trying to let him to think and do things in a more practical way. I guess it made him feel intimated. It made him feel worthless towards me. He just didn’t listen and thought I was attacking him and thinking I was better than him. I guess to him it wasn’t an even relationship or friendship. So one day. Out of no where he decided to quit work. He didn’t even tell me. I wasn’t there and people at work told me. I was in complete shock. I went to talk to him and he said the real reason he quit work (although he was desperate for work and he really needed money) was because he couldn’t stand working with me.
That’s when I stopped going to work. I had a resignation letter all written up and was looking for another job. So I didn’t go to work for two weeks. I was about to send my resignation and just forget working and I just needed a brake. From everything. From the memories. From all the craziness I have suffered from for 2 and half years. I just wanted to forget everything and start a new life. Until I was emailed one day from my boss saying that a new project is here and I need to start working on it ASAP. The project plan was there and it was exciting. I told him then about it! He was like what. I am like yep.. and guess what. I am getting hired full time.. A full time salary! I was excited because I felt important. I actually felt more powerful and I was worth more than him. I didn’t give in. I told my self. Thank God I didn’t quit. I may have a better future after all.
That’s when jealousy started. Although after a few weeks we decided to just be friends. Deep down inside, I kept feeling the pain. The pain and regret of ever meeting him, but I guess I tried to find the goodness in him and just decided to be friends. I guess I wanted to see if he will change. If things will change. I guess I was just trying to convince my self that things will change to the way they used to. I was just living my own little dream..
Part 2 of the story to be continued tomorrow.
May
26
I have come across so many cool and interesting Arab blog rings as the term used to be called. Some are nice. Let me explain, it is a site that someone maintains that has a collection of Arab related blogs. The problem is that the owners of these aggregates are complete ass holes. So for some specific sites, I go through the process of signing up. I wait and wait and no answer. Day after day. Nothing. Then I go through the blogs that are a part of their site and sit there trying to figure out why I didn’t get accepted.
I look through them and see a clan of bloggers. Specific type of writing. Specific nationalities.Then I sit there and think, what’s wrong with my blog? Is it because I live in the Western world? Are my thoughts not Arabic enough? Is the title of my site not suitable and offensive? Is my writing style not suitable? So I saw a major bias. I didn’t want to argue. I didn’t want to fight. But calling a blog aggregate a certain name that specifically says “Arab ….. blogs” or whatever, yet they pick specific nationalities, specific writing styles and calling it a great Arab blog collection site with so many diverse Arabs is complete BS. It is racist and stupid. It sucks!
So I decided to unjoin my self from all stupid Arab biased and racist sites. It is not fair! I don’t even want to be part of the Palestinian one. I could care less now. I want my blog to represent ME and being an Arab and a girl is a bonus! I don’t want to be part of any of those stupid biased sites. Being a part of any of them is a disgrace. I don’t want my site and my thoughts to be represented in biased sites. I am an Arab with my own thoughts. I write for me and I don’t want to be represented on behalf of any site! I can represent my self. Google loves me!
May
26
May
25
I have been thinking about this the past couple of days. What do I really want from work? Money? Power? Not really. To me I get paid well. It is enough to pay off my student loans, credit card, and shopping addiction. I manage every month to save 1/2 of my salary. Great eh? I’m trying to be good. So money is not an issue. So power? Hmm. What level of power? I always seek power, but at the same time I like someone to boss me around and request for me to do stuff. At the same time I like to design everything from scratch and work alone and do what I like.
As long as others are happy I am happy. I guess I got to a point of my life where I just want people to just be happy with what I do and not be criticized for stupid things and people out smart me. I am trying to be careful and try to find better and creative ways to get things done. The world is moving so fast and I need to find some original fun ways. It’s so overwhelming. I know I am not a genius but I think I need to just be happy with what I do. That’s all that matters to me right now.
My current work objective is that I just want to be happy with what I do and make others be happy too. Â?
May
25
The problem with human nature is the lack of trust people have towards one another. There is a line that people seldom cross to earn someone’s trust. Or even to trust someone else easily. That is my problem. I have this problem. I have had this problem all my life. I have always been a pessimistic person who lacks trust in others. Only because I lived my life believing no one understands me. I don’t know why. I think over the years trying to open up and actually talk to anyone was like a major step that I wouldn’t dare to take. That resulted in my shyness, lack of trust towards others, and lack of talking. I used to never talk. Never communicated with others. I just wanted to be alone and live in my little bubble. That was just my life.
I still have this problem. I want to talk and believe that other people out there are not evil and mean. That there is good in other people. It’s very hard to do so unfortunately. It just doesn’t go in my head. I swear I am as stubborn as a goat.(hence being a capricorn).. I can’t give in and just let things take their course. I have to weigh out all the consequences first before I even take one step. It may even take me years.
Sometimes unconsciously I do stupid things that I don’t weigh out first and think about. Sometimes I just don’t know what I am doing and just take a big nose dive. Sometimes I just put too much trust in others that resulted in back stabbing. Major back stabbing. I think when that happened … (long story I will talk about later.. happened when I was 20).. then I just lost all trust in people. I quit talking to others. Just stopped. I guess a huge cloud of melancholy appeared on top of my head and I just let it control me. I just became weak and let my feelings take the best of me. I lost that line of trust. I am far away from it and from anyone. I don’t know what to do. How can I regain trust in others if I still think that people are not worth trusting?
May
25
Aah the weekend is near. However it is so hot! The humidity is very bad today.. I also had hard time sleeping last night. I feel icky. Not in the mood for anything. The strange part is I am at work now and it is freezing! But I like it this way! We didn’t turn the air conditioning on yet at home. It’s only going to be hot today. Hehehe.. temperatures go up and down in this area of the country. All cause of the stupid lakes surrounding it! Temperature is so unstable! So anyways.. can’t wait for the weekend to near. I used to be different. I used to dread weekends cause I would be so bored, but not anymore. I am just all happy cause I can do more fun things with my life. I wonder what I will do this weekend. Hmm….
Anyways.. I lost many articles from the past 3 days. hahaha.. I had huge fights with hosting companies.. my blog is cursed.. I don’t know where to host it anymore. I need a stable hosting area! I found some free ones.. but I donno if it is fast and stable.. my problem is the down time!Â? Anywho.. I will think about it more this weekend.. no more crazy posts.. Time to enjoy the end of spring and hello summer! But I hate the humidity.. my hair is KABOOM! Aaaaaaaah frizziness.. my nemesis is frizziness!!
May
21
One thing about me is that I have lived most of my young adult life as two persons. My thoughts and actions in front of certain people is not the same to others. At times I forget who I am talking to and my true self vaguely shines to the open. It is something I want to try to hide. I try to live a life not surrounded by Arabs. The problems with Arabs in the western world is that they form small communities. Communities filled with talk, gossip, and waiting for a problematic member of their clan to spurt out into the open to be a victim of “the talk.” For my case I never feared it. I never did anything wrong. Well I had a stupid worthless boyfriend for 4 years but managing to hide it from my parents and most people I know was a superb accomplishment. Let’s not talk about that now. It’s like opening Pandora’s box all over again.
So what have I managed to hide over the years? Many things. The trips out of town. The nights out dancing, and going out all night to some cafes and crazy places. (by the way.. this was only until I was 21/22) ..
Then one day things just changed. I wasn’t enjoying life at all. My crazy life ended and I felt that doomsday has hit me and left me in a dark unknown place. However, the worst part is, I let it suck me in slowly. I became gloomy. It wasn’t that I was a crazy wild child that people knew. On the contrary, I was more discreet about it. I just learned that to enjoy life I have to stay busy. Always keep my self busy no matter what my day brings me. The busier I am, the less time I have to think about anything else. That has always been my dilemma in life. I have problems expressing my self and I keep things to my self. I just don’t know how to let it out. I know how to talk about anything, but my thoughts, my immediate thoughts that are supposed to come out of my head at a certain time and situation will not come out. I used to always be afraid. I lived in fear. However, fear of what?
So I discovered I have a phobia. One of the most common phobias that people suffer from. The fear of rejection. From ANY situation. I just don’t like someone to tell me that is wrong. You are not good. You don’t deserve this. You are not qualified, you are not smart. Anything that is offensive to me as an individual. I don’t accept criticism very well. I tend to feel great pain and worthlessness. I feel like nothing. I tend to take anything personally. I just don’t like to be attacked. The reason is that I don’t know how to attack people. I have a fear of retaliating and having more offensive comments thrown at my face. So I just tend to ignore to a point where I blow up without thinking!
What did I do to stop this absurd situation? I started fighting with people. Letting my true self come out. My anger level has risen to a point where others can’t stand me anymore. I didn’t want people to think I am nothing and just walk all over me. I just don’t know where the middle ground lies. I see life as black and white. Evil and good. That’s it! What was I supposed to do? Really?
I lost my temper. My anger level has over came my actions that many times I just retaliated by angry thoughts and words and actions. It is not me. It was never me. I have always been calm and just wanted to be left alone. However, till when? My other problem is that I learned to show a happy face. I learned to just smile and people will smile back and not say anything negative. That seems to work. That keeps me grounded at a nice good level. Unfortunately, my personality has become like a pendulum. An uncontrollable momentum, no force to keep it leveled to one side. Nothing. It just goes left to right instantly. My double personality is uncontrollable. I just don’t know how to stop it. When to stop it. I feel like a Gemini!
I wish I can just reach a safe momentum and find a peaceful, rational, and controllable thoughts all the time. I need to manage my self. It is the hardest thing to do in life! Be your own manager!
May
20
Oops I did it again.. I changed my template. I found a cool template and I edited it a bit and made it my own. Something simple for now. I didn’t have really a creative edge or desire to make one from scratch. I didn’t have that inspiration of making something unique. I just wanted it to have more white in it for the entries. So I did that. Anyways.. So today we will have the ultimate fireworks show in our backyard. It’s cause of Victoria day. I will try to take a video or pics and post them later tonight or tomorrow.
Also today we built a wall in the basement with baseboard and a bunch of 4×1’s.. yes I know what they are called now!! wohoo.. so we are gonna make a new room in the basement. So fun! I don’t even sit there cause it is cold most of the time.. but I guess it would be great for the summer. We will have 2 rooms instead of one now… hehehe.. We still need to buy wood floors and stuff to add! Need to cover that nasty painted cement floor.
Today is also my dad’s birthday.. I got him a saw! lool… I don’t know what to get him. He loves tools! He goes to home depot literally EVERYDAY! Typical guy.. hehehe.. my dad is getting old.. he is 56! :P Not.. he looks his age.. and he still has lots of hair on his head.. well 1/4 of what he used to have.. .. hehehe..
Anyways.. I am assuming everyone is on vacation and on a long weekend. I think in the states tomorrow is Memorial day.. so we all have long weekends! We also had chicken bbq today.. yumm!! 
Fun weekend..
Aaah summer is here and people on vacation. No one commenting! 
My name is Mona and I am an internet savvy and technology obsessed girl. I am originally Palestinian and I live in the province of Ontario in Canada. That's some info about me, and you can learn more [
love the new design of the site…when I think this site with the content... 
ps - Be the change you... 
