How to fall in love.. all over again.

Sometimes I sit here and think.. will I ever love anyone again? Well, people tell me you are so lucky, you didn’t have to suffer anymore or marry someone to end up divorcing him, etc etc.. and I just sit there and think, yes, but my problem is, was it really my fault? You know what, of all honesty, NO! I just have a certain view of life that is so disciplined and very planned out. Unfortunetly, many people don’t seem to be that way. They want to live the moment. That’s it. Not really caring about the consequences and future direction. That’s what bugs me. That actually pains me. I have an uncontrollable mentality that can’t stand such actions.

I always look back and think of the past. My regrets. I try to convince my self that life will be better. Things will change and I should stay positive. I should. It’s not that hard really. I just need time to focus.

It just takes time. A lot of time.

So I always fear the moment that I will like someone again. I don’t think I can, and if I do, will it be based on liking someone for real or just puppy love or just plain infatuation? I really don’t know. So far I could care less. I promised my self that I will never care or put so much effort to care about another human being again. No one really cares about me. So why should I care about them? All these questions and honestly, I don’t want to. Not now, maybe never again. Well they always say, never say never. It is just so hard to go through the pain all over again knowing that the other person does not put so much effort into a relationship filled with care and compromise. It’s just hard. Very hard!

I wish I can just go back 5 years ago and tell my self, you are an idiot, he didn’t love you, he never did, he used you, and it was better to be alone and enjoy the fun of having friends away and being care free and happy. I was happier. I had a motive to life. I didn’t have to think about someone else. I didn’t have to care too much. It was just great. But I fell into the evil spell called love. I forced my self out of it by hate and tormenting my soul and hating everything and everyone around me.

So why should I fall in love again? I find it silly. It is not worth the pain anymore. Being alone enjoying life, not have to worry about someone having certain expectations of you and wanting to use you. For me it was using me for the way I looked, then after I got a job, for my money, and in the end, I no longer had either to keep someone interested.

Being used sucks. Being alone is better. Love is not great. Just a toucher filled painful feeling. That’s what it is!

Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!