Living a Double Life

One thing about me is that I have lived most of my young adult life as two persons. My thoughts and actions in front of certain people is not the same to others. At times I forget who I am talking to and my true self vaguely shines to the open. It is something I want to try to hide. I try to live a life not surrounded by Arabs. The problems with Arabs in the western world is that they form small communities. Communities filled with talk, gossip, and waiting for a problematic member of their clan to spurt out into the open to be a victim of “the talk.” For my case I never feared it. I never did anything wrong. Well I had a stupid worthless boyfriend for 4 years but managing to hide it from my parents and most people I know was a superb accomplishment. Let’s not talk about that now. It’s like opening Pandora’s box all over again.

So what have I managed to hide over the years? Many things. The trips out of town. The nights out dancing, and going out all night to some cafes and crazy places. (by the way.. this was only until I was 21/22) ..

Then one day things just changed. I wasn’t enjoying life at all. My crazy life ended and I felt that doomsday has hit me and left me in a dark unknown place. However, the worst part is, I let it suck me in slowly. I became gloomy. It wasn’t that I was a crazy wild child that people knew. On the contrary, I was more discreet about it. I just learned that to enjoy life I have to stay busy. Always keep my self busy no matter what my day brings me. The busier I am, the less time I have to think about anything else. That has always been my dilemma in life. I have problems expressing my self and I keep things to my self. I just don’t know how to let it out. I know how to talk about anything, but my thoughts, my immediate thoughts that are supposed to come out of my head at a certain time and situation will not come out. I used to always be afraid. I lived in fear. However, fear of what?

So I discovered I have a phobia. One of the most common phobias that people suffer from. The fear of rejection. From ANY situation. I just don’t like someone to tell me that is wrong. You are not good. You don’t deserve this. You are not qualified, you are not smart. Anything that is offensive to me as an individual. I don’t accept criticism very well. I tend to feel great pain and worthlessness. I feel like nothing. I tend to take anything personally. I just don’t like to be attacked. The reason is that I don’t know how to attack people. I have a fear of retaliating and having more offensive comments thrown at my face. So I just tend to ignore to a point where I blow up without thinking!

What did I do to stop this absurd situation? I started fighting with people. Letting my true self come out. My anger level has risen to a point where others can’t stand me anymore. I didn’t want people to think I am nothing and just walk all over me. I just don’t know where the middle ground lies. I see life as black and white. Evil and good. That’s it! What was I supposed to do? Really?

I lost my temper. My anger level has over came my actions that many times I just retaliated by angry thoughts and words and actions. It is not me. It was never me. I have always been calm and just wanted to be left alone. However, till when? My other problem is that I learned to show a happy face. I learned to just smile and people will smile back and not say anything negative. That seems to work. That keeps me grounded at a nice good level. Unfortunately, my personality has become like a pendulum. An uncontrollable momentum, no force to keep it leveled to one side. Nothing. It just goes left to right instantly. My double personality is uncontrollable. I just don’t know how to stop it. When to stop it. I feel like a Gemini!

I wish I can just reach a safe momentum and find a peaceful, rational, and controllable thoughts all the time. I need to manage my self. It is the hardest thing to do in life! Be your own manager!

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post