Fan requests.. to tell the story part 2.

Make sure you read part 1 first here or it wouldn’t make sense!

I totally forgot where I left off. I am spending my time re-reading and seeing where I left off. Aah yes.. the summer when I was hired full time. I guess I was destined for a better future. I tried my best to keep my self upbeat and happy. It was hard. Deep down inside I still liked him. For other reasons. I guess I tried my hardest to stay positive and hoping that yes maybe deep down inside he did like me but he was having issues. Although I should have ended it then. But he still acted friendly and nice to me. He then got a job again.. but this time to the nemesis of our network. He didn’t last a month. I guess he couldn’t stand the fact that I was now at a good position and treated well and he went down the scale. I guess he didn’t like the fact that he lost so much and at the same time he wanted to stay close to me. Then at the same time he couldn’t handle it. He had his own problems but being broke was the worst part. It caused him major depression and it made me sad. Cause deep down inside I did feel the pain. I felt bad. I felt like I was the cause and I just tried too hard to comfort him and still be a friend.

I guess liking someone than end up being friends is not that easy. So time passed.. summer passed and things were normal. Then he got him self a job. It wasn’t as great as the job he had with me but he was able to work nights and weekends. Which was great since he was in school. Just hanging out and trying to be “friends”. However, deep down inside I didn’t want a friendship with a guy. Then around my 24th birthday he decided to leave town. He didn’t even want to hang out with me because he didn’t want to spend money on a gift. Although he had a job he just didn’t want to go through the hassle. I told him if we were friends presents are not important. Hanging out going out to eat is good enough. He just didn’t listen and just left town. He didn’t want to be here. I felt alone and no one cared to even say happy birthday to me. He just didn’t care and I thought of him as my only friend. That’s when my true depression hit me. It made me hate my life. It made me dread each birthday.. it made me dread growing old and unloved and with no one caring about me. I became suicidal. I just wished at times I didn’t have to live such a life. I was used and felt unworthy to anyone. I didn’t know why either. I kept thinking that I was maybe a bad person that no one liked. I just didn’t have anyone on my side. I just didn’t know why.

So days passed. His birthday came up and I decided to be a good hearted person and I got him a gift. He was in shock and begged me to take it back. I was like why? It’s your birthday. We are friends right? I guess I did it to see his reaction. To show him I don’t forget. I care. I just wanted to have a nice friendship at that point. Just be friends.

At that time, I didn’t really have a path in life. I guess deep down inside I just wanted to have a peaceful life and be married and have a nice family. I was willing to wait. I was a very patient person. So I just let life pass by.. So time flew by. I barely saw him or talked to him much. He occasionally passed by my work and we just hung out or had lunch. Normal. I didn’t really care at that point. I tried my best to accept the fact we are friends. That’s all. I just couldn’t handle it. I kept telling my self, why am I friends with this guy? He made my life miserable. Was I that lonely? Was I that depressed that I just needed someone to talk to so badly that I only resorted to him? At that time of my life I became more gloomy. More sad. At times I just broke down crying for no reason. I just felt enormous pain and sadness. People my age were married. Had kids. Had nice lives.

I just felt unfortunate. And he was there, yet I didn’t know why he was still there. I just hoped deep down inside he still liked me and was just being friendly and didn’t want a commitment till he had a stable job and done school. So I just waited and waited. My patience was at its peek. Then summer came. I felt him being more distant. I understood that he was working and busy.. but I didn’t see him. He barely called or talked to me. I didn’t see him at all. I felt he didn’t care. I mean friends see each other from time to time.. but 8 weeks! 8 weeks I didn’t see him! He kept saying he is busy.. how busy can people really get? I just felt neglected and not having any friends. And the only person I thought of as a friend didn’t even care to see me. It’s enough he broke my heart, but to neglect me even as a friend. I just couldn’t handle it. He kept telling me he is out playing soccer.. ok great.. but who the hell plays soccer at 11 pm or 12 am? Later I realized he was always out with his cousins or trashy Arab guys drinking and at clubs or bars.. that’s all he did. That was his leisure.

One time I asked him why the hell he goes to club? Why the hell he drinks..? Want to hear the funny answer? He said.. “Arab married guys do it too. So what?” At that point I felt like I just wanted to kill him.. I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He then said, “everyone does it.. so what.. this is what Arab guys do!”.. I felt disgusted. Which Arab guys? The trashy ones of course..

So fall came again and I just stayed in touch with him.. I still had hope. I had faith in someone that I just wished he would go back to his old self. Or to the person I once knew him as. I just always had a positive optimistic view of life and people. Until the day.. He got hired at a company. A real salary. More than me.. and I was so happy for him. I was like finally. He got his brake and maybe he will change and won’t be depressed and cranky anymore. Things will just go back to normal… but I was wrong.. nothing changed and things got worse.. that’s when I felt more depressed and I just wanted to talk. I wanted to blurt out to anyone.. but who? I didn’t want to talk to people around me. I didn’t want people to judge me. I just resorted to this. So I made a blog. This blog. I felt I needed to tell a story. To share something. To tell the world that I will not stand it anymore. I was tired of being pushed over and used. I was tired of having to live this stupid backwards Arab mentality life and it’s people. I got tired of hypocrites and two-faced Arabs..

So I made my blog. I decided to put a word that would cause friction. Will cause questions. Will cause people to talk and take me seriously. I just wanted to start a rebellion. Against being me. Against being my self. Against being an Arab girl trapped in this little world of mine. The depression killed me. It destroyed me. It made me a sensitive person who wasn’t able to talk. I needed to speak out. I just had to say something.

That’s how the true problems began. That’s when my thoughts were spoken out loud. They were written for the world to see. It was written for him to read.. It was the beginning of the end.

Part 3 of the story to be continued tomorrow.

Angry, Blah Blah, Random Thoughts