I have been thinking about this the past couple of days. What do I really want from work? Money? Power? Not really. To me I get paid well. It is enough to pay off my student loans, credit card, and shopping addiction. I manage every month to save 1/2 of my salary. Great eh? I’m trying to be good. So money is not an issue. So power? Hmm. What level of power? I always seek power, but at the same time I like someone to boss me around and request for me to do stuff. At the same time I like to design everything from scratch and work alone and do what I like.

As long as others are happy I am happy. I guess I got to a point of my life where I just want people to just be happy with what I do and not be criticized for stupid things and people out smart me. I am trying to be careful and try to find better and creative ways to get things done. The world is moving so fast and I need to find some original fun ways. It’s so overwhelming. I know I am not a genius but I think I need to just be happy with what I do. That’s all that matters to me right now.

My current work objective is that I just want to be happy with what I do and make others be happy too. �?

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

The problem with human nature is the lack of trust people have towards one another. There is a line that people seldom cross to earn someone’s trust. Or even to trust someone else easily. That is my problem. I have this problem. I have had this problem all my life. I have always been a pessimistic person who lacks trust in others. Only because I lived my life believing no one understands me. I don’t know why. I think over the years trying to open up and actually talk to anyone was like a major step that I wouldn’t dare to take. That resulted in my shyness, lack of trust towards others, and lack of talking. I used to never talk. Never communicated with others. I just wanted to be alone and live in my little bubble. That was just my life.

I still have this problem. I want to talk and believe that other people out there are not evil and mean. That there is good in other people. It’s very hard to do so unfortunately. It just doesn’t go in my head. I swear I am as stubborn as a goat.(hence being a capricorn).. I can’t give in and just let things take their course. I have to weigh out all the consequences first before I even take one step. It may even take me years.

Sometimes unconsciously I do stupid things that I don’t weigh out first and think about. Sometimes I just don’t know what I am doing and just take a big nose dive. Sometimes I just put too much trust in others that resulted in back stabbing. Major back stabbing. I think when that happened … (long story I will talk about later.. happened when I was 20).. then I just lost all trust in people. I quit talking to others. Just stopped. I guess a huge cloud of melancholy appeared on top of my head and I just let it control me. I just became weak and let my feelings take the best of me. I lost that line of trust. I am far away from it and from anyone. I don’t know what to do. How can I regain trust in others if I still think that people are not worth trusting?

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

Aah the weekend is near. However it is so hot! The humidity is very bad today.. I also had hard time sleeping last night. I feel icky. Not in the mood for anything. The strange part is I am at work now and it is freezing! But I like it this way! We didn’t turn the air conditioning on yet at home. It’s only going to be hot today. Hehehe.. temperatures go up and down in this area of the country. All cause of the stupid lakes surrounding it! Temperature is so unstable! So anyways.. can’t wait for the weekend to near. I used to be different. I used to dread weekends cause I would be so bored, but not anymore. I am just all happy cause I can do more fun things with my life. I wonder what I will do this weekend. Hmm….

Anyways.. I lost many articles from the past 3 days. hahaha.. I had huge fights with hosting companies.. my blog is cursed.. I don’t know where to host it anymore. I need a stable hosting area! I found some free ones.. but I donno if it is fast and stable.. my problem is the down time!�? Anywho.. I will think about it more this weekend.. no more crazy posts.. Time to enjoy the end of spring and hello summer! But I hate the humidity.. my hair is KABOOM! Aaaaaaaah frizziness.. my nemesis is frizziness!!

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

One thing about me is that I have lived most of my young adult life as two persons. My thoughts and actions in front of certain people is not the same to others. At times I forget who I am talking to and my true self vaguely shines to the open. It is something I want to try to hide. I try to live a life not surrounded by Arabs. The problems with Arabs in the western world is that they form small communities. Communities filled with talk, gossip, and waiting for a problematic member of their clan to spurt out into the open to be a victim of “the talk.” For my case I never feared it. I never did anything wrong. Well I had a stupid worthless boyfriend for 4 years but managing to hide it from my parents and most people I know was a superb accomplishment. Let’s not talk about that now. It’s like opening Pandora’s box all over again.

So what have I managed to hide over the years? Many things. The trips out of town. The nights out dancing, and going out all night to some cafes and crazy places. (by the way.. this was only until I was 21/22) ..

Then one day things just changed. I wasn’t enjoying life at all. My crazy life ended and I felt that doomsday has hit me and left me in a dark unknown place. However, the worst part is, I let it suck me in slowly. I became gloomy. It wasn’t that I was a crazy wild child that people knew. On the contrary, I was more discreet about it. I just learned that to enjoy life I have to stay busy. Always keep my self busy no matter what my day brings me. The busier I am, the less time I have to think about anything else. That has always been my dilemma in life. I have problems expressing my self and I keep things to my self. I just don’t know how to let it out. I know how to talk about anything, but my thoughts, my immediate thoughts that are supposed to come out of my head at a certain time and situation will not come out. I used to always be afraid. I lived in fear. However, fear of what?

So I discovered I have a phobia. One of the most common phobias that people suffer from. The fear of rejection. From ANY situation. I just don’t like someone to tell me that is wrong. You are not good. You don’t deserve this. You are not qualified, you are not smart. Anything that is offensive to me as an individual. I don’t accept criticism very well. I tend to feel great pain and worthlessness. I feel like nothing. I tend to take anything personally. I just don’t like to be attacked. The reason is that I don’t know how to attack people. I have a fear of retaliating and having more offensive comments thrown at my face. So I just tend to ignore to a point where I blow up without thinking!

What did I do to stop this absurd situation? I started fighting with people. Letting my true self come out. My anger level has risen to a point where others can’t stand me anymore. I didn’t want people to think I am nothing and just walk all over me. I just don’t know where the middle ground lies. I see life as black and white. Evil and good. That’s it! What was I supposed to do? Really?

I lost my temper. My anger level has over came my actions that many times I just retaliated by angry thoughts and words and actions. It is not me. It was never me. I have always been calm and just wanted to be left alone. However, till when? My other problem is that I learned to show a happy face. I learned to just smile and people will smile back and not say anything negative. That seems to work. That keeps me grounded at a nice good level. Unfortunately, my personality has become like a pendulum. An uncontrollable momentum, no force to keep it leveled to one side. Nothing. It just goes left to right instantly. My double personality is uncontrollable. I just don’t know how to stop it. When to stop it. I feel like a Gemini!

I wish I can just reach a safe momentum and find a peaceful, rational, and controllable thoughts all the time. I need to manage my self. It is the hardest thing to do in life! Be your own manager!

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post

Oops I did it again.. I changed my template. I found a cool template and I edited it a bit and made it my own. Something simple for now. I didn’t have really a creative edge or desire to make one from scratch. I didn’t have that inspiration of making something unique. I just wanted it to have more white in it for the entries. So I did that. Anyways.. So today we will have the ultimate fireworks show in our backyard. It’s cause of Victoria day. I will try to take a video or pics and post them later tonight or tomorrow.

Also today we built a wall in the basement with baseboard and a bunch of 4×1’s.. yes I know what they are called now!! wohoo.. so we are gonna make a new room in the basement. So fun! I don’t even sit there cause it is cold most of the time.. but I guess it would be great for the summer. We will have 2 rooms instead of one now… hehehe.. We still need to buy wood floors and stuff to add! Need to cover that nasty painted cement floor.

Today is also my dad’s birthday.. I got him a saw! lool… I don’t know what to get him. He loves tools! He goes to home depot literally EVERYDAY! Typical guy.. hehehe.. my dad is getting old.. he is 56! Not.. he looks his age.. and he still has lots of hair on his head.. well 1/4 of what he used to have.. :lol: .. hehehe..

Anyways.. I am assuming everyone is on vacation and on a long weekend. I think in the states tomorrow is Memorial day.. so we all have long weekends! We also had chicken bbq today.. yumm!! Fun weekend..

Funny, Random Thoughts