I remember when I was 6 years old in 1987 and we came to USA for vacation. We went to Disney world Florida. It was exciting and fun. Yet, I was afraid. I grew up very secluded from people and life. I just went to school and went home. I had no association with people outside that. I don’t know my entire family like cousins, aunts, and uncles. No one really. I never really had any association with anyone except my immediate family. So I grew up in a very religious conservative family. I grew up on extreme morals and ethics and behavior. So when I was little I was forced fed to believe that going to USA is the land of evil. Devils and immoral things go on there. So I was always afraid. I had many nightmares growing up and meeting “other” types of people. For my case going to USA and interacting with English speaking people was completely scary. I spoke English obviously, I am bilingual since I was able to talk. I used to have continuous nightmares that the devil was there to swallow me into the pit of hell and I was afraid to be there.

So I hated Disney world. I didn’t sleep much and I didn’t like to be there. I hated USA and I didn’t want to be on this “evil” land. It wasn’t great. I wanted to go home where it was safe. I was afraid. I find it funny that when I was little I was extremely religious and afraid of many things. Especially people who were not like me. I was afraid of the difference.

I ask my self now, is that how you brain wash a child? Forced feed them random information that is completely absurd and completely untrue?

The years passed and after the gulf war (1992) we had to either go back to Lebanon (not our home but we are refugee from there), or move on to the new world and go to USA. My parents wanted us to have a better future and try to gain a nationality from a developing country who might accept us. So we took our first journey to USA.

I didn’t want to go. I didn’t understand the reason. I was 11 years old and I didn’t know better. However, I knew I didn’t want to go there and I just wanted to go back to the Arab world where it seemed safe and familiar. The new world was strange and open. My problem was since I was afraid, I was extremely shy and I didn’t talk. I didn’t know what to say. People saw me different. I was a tan little person with black hair, and here I am in grade 6 with these white, blond, blue eyed people around me. I was afraid, I felt like an outsider and everyone looking at me. That’s when I stopped talking. I never said hi and I never spoke unless spoken too. I was afraid because I didn’t know how to interact and think like them. I was from another world.

So days passed and living in USA was a complete fearful time. My parents tried their best to keep me secluded and not interact with people because they were “evil”. I was afraid because I believed it. My mom would be afraid of the things people would do to me. One time my mom thought I was pregnant and thought that since I was naive and thought that evil people around me would take advantage of me. I was like, “huh what.. why?”. I was 12 years old now and I didn’t understand the fear. I learned to listen and observe my surrounding. That’s what I kept doing growing up. Not talk, but listen and observe behavior. I had to, it was the only way I can survive and understand people.

As I grew up in a very open atmosphere, however, I lived in the south with very conservative Baptist, I felt safe. They are obviously more open to life than the Arab world, but deep down and behavior wise, these people were no different than me. I felt comfort. I learned to accept and wondered why Arabs and Muslims thought this was the land of the devil. What devil? They prayed to God, they had high morals and very conservative nice people. So I accepted and I lived my teenage years around them. I felt safe and I was happy. I learned to accept this land.

However, after 5 years we had to move to Canada. Canada accepted us as citizens to its land. I didn’t care to move anymore. Life was hard and we had to continue our journey to find a home and be treated like normal human beings. Now I was 16 years old in grade 11. I had to move here. This is when I felt out of home. After 5 years I finally saw Arabs. They spoke Arabic. Other people spoke Arabic and they were Muslim too. Were we destined to go back to our roots surrounded with many people like our selves?

After 5 years I actually heard Arabic other than my parents. My Arabic faded, and I barely was able to speak it. I wanted to go speak Arabic. I wanted to interact and make friends with my own people. I wanted to feel like I was back at home and safe in a better environment where there are more people like me. I wanted to feel safe again in a good way without having to think twice.

So I tried. I met random Arabs. I wanted to talk to them, try to be friends. I wanted to be an Arab again! There were many in the new high school I went to. There were so many in random ages and different people all around. I just wanted to feel like I belonged, really belonged. However, my hopes were faded. I believed that my people were good. They were morally ethical and very nice. I grew up to believe so. However, I was seclude, literally, from Arabs for 5 years. I spent 5 years trying to adjust and understand other people of the world. And now I was old enough and I wanted to go back to my people. I wanted to feel like I belonged again. However, that was not the case. Not at all.

Arabs didn’t like me. They hated me. First thing they said, “you don’t have an accent, are you born in USA?” I said, “no, but…” Then they said, “you must be rich and have went to a private school back home then..” I felt weird they asked that because I did go to a private school back home. So what? I wondered why they asked that. Then they said, “it’s strange you are so dark, do you sit in the sun all day or something?.. we are not allowed to, our mom wants us to stay white so we get married soon..” Married? Those girls are thinking of marriage. They are still in high school for goodness sake. Why are they forced fed this information. I had to explain to them that I am Arab too and I am naturally tan, God created me this way. They disregarded me and I felt like an outsider again. In this new country where I had a little hope of interacting with my people again, I felt lonely and an outsider again. No one liked me for how I looked or spoke. So I became more shy. I became more self conscious and alone. So I stopped talking completely. I barely spoke and I was afraid to make friends. Who wants to be friends me with? I was not white, I was an Arab, and neither Arabs or non-Arabs seemed to want to be friends with me. So I just felt that whatever I did or tried to do, didn’t work.

So I wondered about my life. I didn’t understand why some Arabs were very open and not so religious, and some so religious and conservative. Others were not so religious and very secretive, and others were the opposite of that. I just had hard time understanding people. I learned that my people are nice, ethical, moral people. They weren’t. I grew up learning one thing, and once I interacted with them, things were different. I didn’t know why and was not able to understand it.

As I grew older I just kept trying to interact and hoping I can meet nice people out there. I couldn’t. I didn’t understand them, and they didn’t understand me. I just wanted to be around normal people. People who are not religious, and weren’t so open either. I wanted that nice middle open-minded to life thinking. The thinking where you just have to learn to accept people and just go with the flow. Live life ethically, and morally and like people all around you.

I just wish I wasn’t brain washed as a child and just learned to accept life. I just grew up learning things the hard way and spent most of my time trying to understand different people and different cultures. It just seemed I didn’t even know mine. I really didn’t and I don’t think I ever will.

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