I was sitting on the bus coming back home and I was sitting there thinking.. how many people have I hurt in my life? And why did I do it? I never hurt anyone intentionally or just to be mean and evil. I usually do it out of retaliation. Out of pain to purposely want them out of my life. So instead of confronting people and discussing a matter I do the opposite. I over react and want to hurt them so badly the same way they did to me. Some times I just ignore and forget them completely. I loose interest. I never used to be this way, but after being hurt so many times in my life, that I find this a quick way to get rid of the pain.
However, is it? Do I regret my actions. Sometimes. I just have a weak heart and I don’t like to hurt people; although they deserve it.
I donno, I guess after a while and when people tell me to my face that I am mean person and people are afraid to approach then I think twice now about what I have done. I never meant to hurt people, and like I said I just did it out of panic and to retaliate quickly.
At times I don’t know when people are joking or making fun of me, so I tend to just jump to conclusions and just go crazy! I wish sometimes that I can go back and apologize or just state my view point and just argue. I want to learn to argue better and not just become all hot blooded and mean to people. I am just afraid. That’s all. I just don’t understand people and I don’t understand their reaction. So I just decide to just throw an ultimate bomb and get them out of my way. That way I can be happy and be left alone. But I know I am not happy, and I know I am alone.
The only reason I am thinking this because I feel alone. My life has become a routine. I wake up in the morning, go to work, talk to my co-workers if they even like talking to me without making fun of me, and just go home. Then I go to the gym, come home and sleep. This has been my life. I am tired of it, and at the same time I am afraid to change. I really am. And if I do change, it will be such a slow change. I know my self. I am slow and I am always hesitant.
Aah I just wish I had a backwards clock to turn back time. I want to go back till I was 20 and when I started acting stupid. I really do.. *sigh*
This morning as I was walking out of the house half way to the bus stop I felt something was missing. I am the most forgetful human on earth and I knew I forgot something. So I was walking fast for no apparent reason thinking I was going to be late. So I look at my left hand and think to my self.. “fuzzzz.. I LEFT MY WATCH AT HOME!! WHAT TIME IS IT!” .. good thing I had my cell phone to tell me the time. I have major obsession with knowing the time. I don’t know why. I live to be a punctual person. I just can’t stand not knowing what time it is, and I like to be early always for everything. I just can’t stand being late or “on time”.. I like to be early so I have time to relax and give my self a few minutes to think about my day! So I didn’t want to go back home to get my watch and I just continued to walk to the bus. The bus came and I sat in my usual spot. Isn’t that funny that I have my “own” spot on the bus. Freaky eh?