How many people I hurt..
I was sitting on the bus coming back home and I was sitting there thinking.. how many people have I hurt in my life? And why did I do it? I never hurt anyone intentionally or just to be mean and evil. I usually do it out of retaliation. Out of pain to purposely want them out of my life. So instead of confronting people and discussing a matter I do the opposite. I over react and want to hurt them so badly the same way they did to me. Some times I just ignore and forget them completely. I loose interest. I never used to be this way, but after being hurt so many times in my life, that I find this a quick way to get rid of the pain.
However, is it? Do I regret my actions. Sometimes. I just have a weak heart and I don’t like to hurt people; although they deserve it.
I donno, I guess after a while and when people tell me to my face that I am mean person and people are afraid to approach then I think twice now about what I have done. I never meant to hurt people, and like I said I just did it out of panic and to retaliate quickly.
At times I don’t know when people are joking or making fun of me, so I tend to just jump to conclusions and just go crazy! I wish sometimes that I can go back and apologize or just state my view point and just argue. I want to learn to argue better and not just become all hot blooded and mean to people. I am just afraid. That’s all. I just don’t understand people and I don’t understand their reaction. So I just decide to just throw an ultimate bomb and get them out of my way. That way I can be happy and be left alone. But I know I am not happy, and I know I am alone.
The only reason I am thinking this because I feel alone. My life has become a routine. I wake up in the morning, go to work, talk to my co-workers if they even like talking to me without making fun of me, and just go home. Then I go to the gym, come home and sleep. This has been my life. I am tired of it, and at the same time I am afraid to change. I really am. And if I do change, it will be such a slow change. I know my self. I am slow and I am always hesitant.
Aah I just wish I had a backwards clock to turn back time. I want to go back till I was 20 and when I started acting stupid. I really do.. *sigh*














A black & heavy heart at that.
It sounds like you have issues with self confidence. You should not take things so seriously. People say mean things to people all the time you should not let it bother you. If somebody says something mean fuck them. If you get upset you are just giving them what they want.
you know ayman.. you are right.. that’s what I keep thinking and I want to change that.. thanks for the advice
Owen. – i got chat session at 10 if you want to chat with me.. i am available live..
Ayman – interesting point of view.. but why did you whisper it!
Sounds good I will try to make it. :good:
Mona, there is a great book out called “Hurt People Hurt People”. It might help you identify triggers and give you some other tools to work with disappointment. I’ll pray for you.
thanks Kinzi…