I was sitting on the bus coming back home and I was sitting there thinking.. how many people have I hurt in my life? And why did I do it? I never hurt anyone intentionally or just to be mean and evil. I usually do it out of retaliation. Out of pain to purposely want them out of my life. So instead of confronting people and discussing a matter I do the opposite. I over react and want to hurt them so badly the same way they did to me. Some times I just ignore and forget them completely. I loose interest. I never used to be this way, but after being hurt so many times in my life, that I find this a quick way to get rid of the pain.
However, is it? Do I regret my actions. Sometimes. I just have a weak heart and I don’t like to hurt people; although they deserve it.
I donno, I guess after a while and when people tell me to my face that I am mean person and people are afraid to approach then I think twice now about what I have done. I never meant to hurt people, and like I said I just did it out of panic and to retaliate quickly.
At times I don’t know when people are joking or making fun of me, so I tend to just jump to conclusions and just go crazy! I wish sometimes that I can go back and apologize or just state my view point and just argue. I want to learn to argue better and not just become all hot blooded and mean to people. I am just afraid. That’s all. I just don’t understand people and I don’t understand their reaction. So I just decide to just throw an ultimate bomb and get them out of my way. That way I can be happy and be left alone. But I know I am not happy, and I know I am alone.
The only reason I am thinking this because I feel alone. My life has become a routine. I wake up in the morning, go to work, talk to my co-workers if they even like talking to me without making fun of me, and just go home. Then I go to the gym, come home and sleep. This has been my life. I am tired of it, and at the same time I am afraid to change. I really am. And if I do change, it will be such a slow change. I know my self. I am slow and I am always hesitant.
Aah I just wish I had a backwards clock to turn back time. I want to go back till I was 20 and when I started acting stupid. I really do.. *sigh*
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My name is Mona and I am an internet savvy and technology obsessed girl. I am originally Palestinian and I live in the province of Ontario in Canada. That's some info about me, and you can learn more [
love the new design of the site…when I think this site with the content... 
ps - Be the change you... 
Thursday, June 14th 2007 at 5:33 pm
A black & heavy heart at that.
Thursday, June 14th 2007 at 5:46 pm
It sounds like you have issues with self confidence. You should not take things so seriously. People say mean things to people all the time you should not let it bother you. If somebody says something mean fuck them. If you get upset you are just giving them what they want.
Thursday, June 14th 2007 at 5:47 pm
you know ayman.. you are right.. that’s what I keep thinking and I want to change that.. thanks for the advice
Thursday, June 14th 2007 at 6:54 pm
“The only reason I am thinking this because I feel alone.”
I know I may be a stranger, but if you’re bored and you feel lonely sometime, you can talk to me. I’m a good listener. May even have some things in common. Either way, life is full of ups and downs.. and for all the loneliness and pain you may experience, I think you’ve got alot of good things coming your way. So smile and cheer up.
If you ever want to chat just give me a shout
owenthelostboy@hotmail.com
Thursday, June 14th 2007 at 7:33 pm
You know something if you want to change quickly you have to totally change your surroundings and environment. You have to surround yourself with different people. If you stay at the same job and live in the same place nothing will change. I know this from experience.
A few years back I got stuck in a routine being a student at the University and was going to go to grad school for a PhD. But for financial reasons I ended up going into the Navy. This was a totally different environment from Academia and I was forced to change. It was a big cultural shock. But after going through that experience I got used to moving around and changing my environment. I have been at grad school getting my masters for the past 2 years and am about to finish. Now I am going to get a job in the some other part of the country and change my surroundings and lifestyle yet again.
Having gone through a diverse set of experiences is actually a good thing. It enables you to relate to different types people on different levels. It also opens more doors of opportunity. It also broadens your horizons.
Thursday, June 14th 2007 at 8:19 pm
Owen. - i got chat session at 10 if you want to chat with me.. i am available live..
Ayman - interesting point of view.. but why did you whisper it! :P
Thursday, June 14th 2007 at 9:12 pm
Sounds good I will try to make it. :good:
Friday, June 15th 2007 at 2:31 pm
Mona, there is a great book out called “Hurt People Hurt People”. It might help you identify triggers and give you some other tools to work with disappointment. I’ll pray for you.
Friday, June 15th 2007 at 3:45 pm
thanks Kinzi…
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