Fear of being alone
I was talking to my friend this morning for an hour and a half almost about her dillemas and feelings. It is sometimes hard to start new. To find a new guy who can share life with you. The problem with us when meeting or dating a new guy is comparison. We compare this new person to someone we loved in the past and it didn’t work out. So we sit there comparing this person with the good and bad. We want this person to not do this or be like that because our Ex was like that.
The fear is that we are afraid to be dumped again. For things to not work out anymore. The fear of rejection hurts us beyond belief. So what do we do? She asked me today about her fear to be rejected again. What will she do if things don’t work. Her fear of being alone and unloved for the rest of her life. She thinks that maybe no one likes her personality and something wrong with her. As she was saying these words to me I felt like my thoughts were spoken out loud. I felt like I was the one who is talking and the one who is having all this pain and sharing it with the world to hear. So I told her I don’t know what to do. I told her I felt the same way this morning and yesterday. I stopped crying about it at night. I told her I cannot help you because I can’t help my self. I am the lost and confused person who is afraid to be rejected and unwanted again.
However, my problem is different. I tent to push people away once I see their follies and things I don’t want and I cannot accept in a person. Her problem is a need to be attached to someon due to her fear of being alone; even though that person has a lot of things that she can’t stand. It hurts to be alone either way. But how much can a person tolerate and accept in another person?
The worst fear we have is the fear of rejection 
. It really is.
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Being rejected the first time hurts alot. Being rejected the second time still hurts but less so. Being rejected the third time hurts even less till eventually you become desensitized.
I think what you should do is become more sociable and date and talk to many men. This way when one rejects you it doesn’t hurt as much because you still have other options. You really don’t want to put all your eggs in one basket.
Consider picking a guy like hiring somebody for a job. You look at many resumes/profiles and from the profiles you narrow it down by selecting a few that you would actually want to talk to i.e the interviewing process. From there you can decide who you like the best i.e. the most qualified person for the job. If one rejects you no big deal move on to somebody else. Also you just don’t want to have one option and just settle for the next guy that shows interest in you because more than like there will be others that are much better than him.
As far as being lonely as long as you are pro-active and constantly trying to talk to and meet new people you will never have to worry about being lonely. But with meeting new people you can’t be so serious all the time otherwise people wouldn’t want to hang out with you. You also have to try not to say mean or negative things because again nobody will want to hang out with you.
hi Ayman,
you must like to write a lot.. i love it.. and i love your advice. it’s quite interesting.. but i don’t think picking a guy is like a job interview.. even in job interviews you pick a person who may not be the best, or over time shows his true self and his lack of skills and true persona..
i donno, I guess i just have to just move on and try to be more open minded about these things..
“I am the lost and confused person who is afraid to be rejected and unwanted again.”
I think this statement reflects the core of your problems with close relationships.
You’re not allowing anyone to get too close and find reasons to reject them before they can get closer and reject you. It’s not that there’s no one around who you can trust, it’s that you’re not giving anyone the chance. You think that no one likes you personally and that there’s something wrong with you. But that’s simply not true.
Where’s the evidence?
Lots of people read and comment on your blog. So they must like you and what you have to say. No?
hi jason,
i think the reason that i write in my blog and share my feelings is because i feel alone and i want anyone to listen to me and try to help me out.. sometimes being alone all the time gives me crazy ideas..
aaaaaaaah getting dumped is the worst. but i think that having some crash and burn relationships is good to a person, it gives you spine and makes you more in touch with the real world.
speaking from my very own personal experience -if it’s worth anything to you- you can think about this as long as you wish, and you can psycho-analyze your insecurities and your desires to the deepest extent, but for things to start happening you need to pick yourself up and start living. you don’t know what tomorrow brings and you don’t know what type of guys you’ll meet so why worry about the comparison from now.
In response to your reply in order to pick the right person for the job or the right guy it is necessary to be a good judge of character.
The reason why someone who is incompetant or does not have good character is hired is because the person who hired him was either desperate to hire people or was not a good judge character. They did not ask the right questions that would expose them for who they are.
If you want to determine if someone is dishonest or of not good character you just have to ask the right questions. If someone is honest or telling the truth everything should fall into place. If someone is lying or dishonest then there will be inconsistencies and somethings just won’t add up.
Judging somebody’s character is not something you learn from studying or reading a book. It is something you get from experience. You can’t just judge people by what they say. You have to look deeper than that. You have to analyze what choice of words they use, their tone of voice, their facial expressions, and their body language.
Being social and meeting lots of people is important too. When get to know lots of people you start to categorize them into different types. Everywhere you go you will find people of the same type. When you get to know the different types of people you will figure out which ones are most compatible with you.