One thing I hate about my life and still living at home is having to deal with my parents. I really do. I mean I love them and I really respect them. They are my family and only people I have in my life, but my mom especially really pisses me off. I know she is ashamed of me and can’t stand the way I look and hates the fact I am useless and I live at home. I mean the only reason I go to work and staying at my job is to stay away from them all day! The problem is that I wish work was longer. Maybe 8 am till 10 pm! That way I won’t have to deal with her criticism and constant bickering towards me. I am not perfect, I am not pretty, I am not skinny, I am not a typical Arab girl who only cares about marriage since the age of 18. I am totally different. I mean I wish I can explain to her my suffering of the past and hate towards this whole commitment and love crap. She keeps wondering how could I have spent all these years in University and have not met anyone like “everyone” else. How I can’t find anyone. Then she wonders why I never go out or meet people. I spent 3 years not going out with anyone, just kept a low profile alone.. from work till home, vise versa.

This was my life. I wanted to be alone and to suffer alone. I just wish I could explain my story, and not have to suffer constant criticism. The problem is I can’t tell my story, and I cannot explain the fact that I was with someone all these years and ended in nothing. There will be absolutely no understanding, nothing. Not only that, my parents couldn’t understand or even fathom the idea of me working. They hated it and yet I was the only one helping. They hate the fact I make more money than my brother who is married and 4.5 years older than me who still lives at home because he is too lazy to fucken get a real salaried job. He works for this guy who does random contract work. Hard stupid work with barely above minimum wage salary. Even one day I remember him asking me if he could work with me since I seem to barely work and get paid a lot. I told him, “yah funny, I barely work, I get paid for doing nothing, and yet my contract keeps renewed randomly because I do nothing.” He is a hypocrite and very idiotic person but my parents love him so much. They got him a car, my dad pays for it and the insurance. They got him a brand new $3000+ bedroom for him and his wife and his own bathroom. He doesn’t pay his student loans cause he is poor and he eats for free.

What about me? I cannot buy anything because my mom says, “save your money, you never know what will happen and you have not finished paying your loans, and maybe you can buy houses or lands in the future.” … funny isn’t it? I pay my loans monthly, I have paid 70% of it and I can easily get a mortgage to buy a house. They don’t understand the concept of mortgage and how easily a working person can get it! Banks and credit cards companies want me to sign up with them for mortgage and credit like I am a millionaire! That’s all I get in the fucken mail! So what did I decide to do with my money? Save it, and put it in stocks and saving bonds. I don’t want to depend on anyone, I don’t trust anyone not even my brother or my parents. If anything happens to me, then everything is under my sister’s name. She is the only person that deserves anything.

So back to my original rant and the reason I am bitching and complaining. I come home and I come into the house and I say hi to the family like I do every day. Today I come in and say hi to my mom, she says hi and then eyes me from up to down and gives me a dirty look. I was like great, here we go again. So I just walked away cause I can’t stand anyone looking at me. Especially her! That’s the reason I don’t sit with her at all. I just sit in my room all day or watch TV in the basement. Then I went back down to see what was cooked for dinner and eat something before I go to the gym. So my mom had deep fried stuff cooked. Simple quick food eh? So I made a sandwich out of it so I can eat. Mom comes into the kitchen and says, “don’t eat that; it’s too fatty and oily. Why you go to the gym then?” I looked at her and said, “you want me to eat your food that you cooked or you want me to go out and EAT. If you think the food is oily and bad for the health then why you cook it! That’s all you cook, when was the last time you made a normal meal. All junk food cause it is quick!”

I was fuming and mad. I just took my sandwich and went upstairs. I just can’t stand this treatment. All this stupidity from parents with backwards mentality. Their preference over a boy, their disbelief of me being a girl who is unmarried and just living at home with no path in life. I mean after a while I will seriously loose my mind. All day today I had a bad headache and my eye kept twitching non stop and turned red. I couldn’t see and the screen on my laptop was fuzzy. So I left work early cause I seriously couldn’t take the pressure in my eye anymore. The physical pain from one side, the emotional inconsiderate pain I receive from my family. I am just so sick of it!

You know what’s funnier. My brother asking me to get a mortgage under my name so he can get a house. Funny isn’t it. I worked for 5 years non stop with no vacations, no life, hateful of my life and everything around me and I easily get asked for money so I can buy him a house.
Funny.. really funny.

Angry, They said what?, Whatever!

I don’t really have a theme to this post, so I will just talk about my day. Today I got up, showered, straightened my hair, and went off to work. I walked to the bus stop and it was seriously humid. You can feel that it is about to rain. So anyways, I sat on the bus, and after 3 or 4 stops, a girl comes in the bus. Very skinny girl. She had a lighter and cigarette pack in her hand. She was wearing a bare midrif tank top. A very small little skirt that barely covered her butt, and she had the skirt rolled higher up with her panties. It was weird and disgusting. It was all yellow coloured. The girl sat next to me and then she closed her eyes and her body kept kneeling forward. She looked so sleepy. Her legs had bluish spots on it and she looked like she was on drugs. Also she barely looked 15 or 16. But her face and body looked so pale and yellow.

As I got off the bus I looked back and wondered where was she going? To the University? Why? That was the last stop and I work at the University. So I just thought it was weird or she totally missed her stop.

Anyways, as the day progressed I was at work. Doing some work, and out of no where I lost interest in what I am doing. I was so light headed and I just couldn’t get any work done. It was horrible. I kept convincing my self, I need to work, I want to finish my work. I am sick of my work, I hate my project cause it is so boring and I just want to get it DONE! Aah.. it was hard to concentrate. I need to get my work in gear. I think cause it is summer and hot and I just want to be lazy all day.

So I kept thinking about this, what would my life be if I was a lazy house wife. I just wanted to do nothing. I felt like all my life, since I was 3 and a half years old, I was in school or working. I am just tired. I wonder how it feels when I don’t have anything to do. Nothing. What would my life be? Obviously I would have money cause I would have married my sugar daddy, but still. Can I live my life just being at home all day and being a house wife?

Then I told my self that I am stupid and I think weird things. I am the ultimate get my self busy, work my ass off to earn my money kind of gal. So no I would never do that.

So when I got home I had to finish more work and then go off to the gym. I got into a fight with my sister in the middle of the mall and I just started screaming at her. She got pissed and said, “oh my God, you are so embarrassing, I want to walk 10 feet away from you and I am telling mom!” I was mad then I felt bad cause I have zero patience and bad temper and I decided to take her to the music store and let her buy a stupid music CD. She is just obsessed with music!

After that we went home and I just continued my work, chatted with some people and I keep drinking water. I keep trying to drink lots of water cause I have a major heart burn right now. I just feel acid boiling in my throat. Aaggh.. I think it is from all the cola I drink. I need to stop drinking POP!

I’m tired now and I have a chat session now! How come no one goes to my chat sessions? Talk to me people. I am live certain hours of the day on my site you guys have the opportunity to talk to me! So come and chat a bit. I am usually online for like an hour or so chatting. Join the chat and let’s have some crazy talk!

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

I was thinking about this, why are some people out there appear so nice and perfectly friendly to you. Yet, behind your back they are the biggest back stabbers and talk shit about you all the time. Why? Simple. They are selfish. They don’t give a shit about you and just want to hide behind the masque. It is ridiculous.

I tried many times to try to see what is behind the masque. To understand people’s real motives. Some people are just too covered. It makes me sick and also afraid of what they might do. I just want to be careful and be aware of people and my surroundings at all times.

Ranting as usual!, They said what?

I had such a busy weekend. I got contract work to get done for a co-worker at work. His wife’s uncle passed away and they are having a memorial service for him next weekend. So I am making a DVD presentation for her. So I spent the weekend making this DVD. I was going through all the pictures and placing them in order of life events and I thought to my self, if I die will people remember me and make me a DVD too? Will they have speeches prepared and a memorial service. I doubt it. I think it is just a nice gesture though. So I spent the weekend doing this, it was a lot of work, but I think it looks nice. Multimedia presentations are the only things that I can do nicely.

So other than that, I was remembering my self. How I used to look like and pictures from my late teens. Good times. Unlike now.

So one day about couple of months ago I decided to join the gym. It’s daily aerobics class. I like music and dancing and it is fun. I just wanted to loose weight quickly and look the way I was when I was 18. Crazy idea eh? The problem is I was too skinny and fit. I was obsessed with gym back then and didn’t eat much. I didn’t even drink coffee or eat sweets much. However, the depression the past 3 – 4 years killed me. I started binge eating continually and drinking so much coffee and drinking caffeinated drinks. So should I say how much weight I gained within a 6 month period about 3 years ago? I gained 40 pounds. Ridiculous I know. I was uncontrollable, and I was too depressed to do anything about it. It was sad, and my job didn’t help since I sat on my ass for 8 hours a day. So sad. So I decided that I can slowly loose the weight. I don’t want to be a vegetarian with 2 hour work out sessions daily. That’s not going to help my situation.

Yes, I did say I was vegetarian back there. I was 19 or 20. I didn’t eat meat for 6 months. Amazing isn’t it. Now I don’t eat meat much. I eat mostly chicken. I eat lamb occasionally cause I love it. I had to stop my vegetarianasim because my dad thought it was “haram”, (sinful) because only Sikhs and other non-believers do that. So I was like fine, whatever, bring on the lamb! Can’t resist lamb, 6 months was plenty of time!

Other than that, I have been pretty good. Nothing really exciting in my life. Just the daily boring routines.

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

I was talking to my friend this morning for an hour and a half almost about her dillemas and feelings. It is sometimes hard to start new. To find a new guy who can share life with you. The problem with us when meeting or dating a new guy is comparison. We compare this new person to someone we loved in the past and it didn’t work out. So we sit there comparing this person with the good and bad. We want this person to not do this or be like that because our Ex was like that.

The fear is that we are afraid to be dumped again. For things to not work out anymore. The fear of rejection hurts us beyond belief. So what do we do? She asked me today about her fear to be rejected again. What will she do if things don’t work. Her fear of being alone and unloved for the rest of her life. She thinks that maybe no one likes her personality and something wrong with her. As she was saying these words to me I felt like my thoughts were spoken out loud. I felt like I was the one who is talking and the one who is having all this pain and sharing it with the world to hear. So I told her I don’t know what to do. I told her I felt the same way this morning and yesterday. I stopped crying about it at night. I told her I cannot help you because I can’t help my self. I am the lost and confused person who is afraid to be rejected and unwanted again.

However, my problem is different. I tent to push people away once I see their follies and things I don’t want and I cannot accept in a person. Her problem is a need to be attached to someon due to her fear of being alone; even though that person has a lot of things that she can’t stand. It hurts to be alone either way. But how much can a person tolerate and accept in another person?

The worst fear we have is the fear of rejection . It really is.

Random Thoughts, They said what?