I was sitting on the bus coming back home and I was sitting there thinking.. how many people have I hurt in my life? And why did I do it? I never hurt anyone intentionally or just to be mean and evil. I usually do it out of retaliation. Out of pain to purposely want them out of my life. So instead of confronting people and discussing a matter I do the opposite. I over react and want to hurt them so badly the same way they did to me. Some times I just ignore and forget them completely. I loose interest. I never used to be this way, but after being hurt so many times in my life, that I find this a quick way to get rid of the pain.

However, is it? Do I regret my actions. Sometimes. I just have a weak heart and I don’t like to hurt people; although they deserve it.

I donno, I guess after a while and when people tell me to my face that I am mean person and people are afraid to approach then I think twice now about what I have done. I never meant to hurt people, and like I said I just did it out of panic and to retaliate quickly.

At times I don’t know when people are joking or making fun of me, so I tend to just jump to conclusions and just go crazy! I wish sometimes that I can go back and apologize or just state my view point and just argue. I want to learn to argue better and not just become all hot blooded and mean to people. I am just afraid. That’s all. I just don’t understand people and I don’t understand their reaction. So I just decide to just throw an ultimate bomb and get them out of my way. That way I can be happy and be left alone. But I know I am not happy, and I know I am alone.

The only reason I am thinking this because I feel alone. My life has become a routine. I wake up in the morning, go to work, talk to my co-workers if they even like talking to me without making fun of me, and just go home. Then I go to the gym, come home and sleep. This has been my life. I am tired of it, and at the same time I am afraid to change. I really am. And if I do change, it will be such a slow change. I know my self. I am slow and I am always hesitant.

Aah I just wish I had a backwards clock to turn back time. I want to go back till I was 20 and when I started acting stupid. I really do.. *sigh*

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

This morning as I was walking out of the house half way to the bus stop I felt something was missing. I am the most forgetful human on earth and I knew I forgot something. So I was walking fast for no apparent reason thinking I was going to be late. So I look at my left hand and think to my self.. “fuzzzz.. I LEFT MY WATCH AT HOME!! WHAT TIME IS IT!” .. good thing I had my cell phone to tell me the time. I have major obsession with knowing the time. I don’t know why. I live to be a punctual person. I just can’t stand not knowing what time it is, and I like to be early always for everything. I just can’t stand being late or “on time”.. I like to be early so I have time to relax and give my self a few minutes to think about my day! So I didn’t want to go back home to get my watch and I just continued to walk to the bus. The bus came and I sat in my usual spot. Isn’t that funny that I have my “own” spot on the bus. Freaky eh?

Anyways, as I was waiting, two ladies stood in front of me. Since I was in a horrible mental mood and I was in a need to know what time it is, I noticed one thing. Both ladies were wearing their watch on their right hand. I thought, “hmm, I used to do that for two years!.. why did I stop??”… Then I remembered it is because I am on the computer all day and I am a right handed person that I tend to use my right hand a lot, and the watch would just get in my way. So I went back to being a lefty watch wearer.

Anyways, it is good that I sit on the computer all day and I can see my desktop clock… I would have seriously gone insane all day.

So mental note.. NEVER forget my watch again!

Also I am listening to this song.. I like Enya.. quiet ambient music.. Need my relaxation for the morning..

Angry, Whatever!

One thing that plagues my mind is trying to figure out what people are thinking about. I keep wanting to just hear what people say. It would be amazing to just know what others are thinking. It might be bad too and disastrous. I might be extra self conscious and be walking around not thinking so no one can ever know what I am “really” thinking. However, some people think cause I have a blog that my thoughts are all written out for the people to read. Unfortunately, that is not the case.

So my blog is a place where I write half the story, or just the story I want to talk about. If I actually written out everything I thought about then I will be in deep shit!� hahaha.. Or I would not tell anyone about it! But I have trust in people and if they judge me cause of what I have written than they have serious issues. So I wonder what some people I know are thinking. Like some people I just wish sometimes they had a blog. I wish everyone I knew had a blog cause I know that unconsciously they will start writing out things that they might not say out loud. Or afraid to speak to others about. I think that is intriguing and makes them honest and very truthful. I wish more people would have blogs and just write what they think. Since I cannot hear what they are saying, I would like to know what they are thinking by reading about it. So everyone, if you don’t have a blog you might as well start writing. I like to read.. hehehehe

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

This morning I decided to be a bit patriotic and wore my Palestine map necklace.� (Yah, just like a typical Palestinian!) Anyways, so I got on the bus this morning. I usually don’t look at people unless something really grabs my attention. So as I was listening to the radio and hearing the beats of Genuine and Belly’s “Pressure“, I looked up and looked at this girl with dyed short blond hair. It was a really nice haircut and seriously suited her facial features. Then I looked and saw her necklace. I had sunglasses on so I doubt anyone can see my eye movements that much. The necklace grabbed my attention. She was wearing a Jewish Star. (David’s Star). I looked at her and thought, if she didn’t wear that there was no way on earth I would even think she was Jewish.

And here I was sitting across from her with a very distinct and visible Palestinian map necklace and her with a David’s star necklace and thought to my self, “do I care she is Jewish, and does she care that I am Palestinian?” I am just sitting here on my way to work and she seemed to be on her way to school. It was just two humans sitting across from each other. That’s all. I didn’t want to kill her and she didn’t want to do the same to me. But just like I am patriotic about what I believe in, she was the same. I then thought, “who gives a shit about these things here in Canada”. We all live together in peace and we have to forget our differences and just live our lives.

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

I remember when I was 6 years old in 1987 and we came to USA for vacation. We went to Disney world Florida. It was exciting and fun. Yet, I was afraid. I grew up very secluded from people and life. I just went to school and went home. I had no association with people outside that. I don’t know my entire family like cousins, aunts, and uncles. No one really. I never really had any association with anyone except my immediate family. So I grew up in a very religious conservative family. I grew up on extreme morals and ethics and behavior. So when I was little I was forced fed to believe that going to USA is the land of evil. Devils and immoral things go on there. So I was always afraid. I had many nightmares growing up and meeting “other” types of people. For my case going to USA and interacting with English speaking people was completely scary. I spoke English obviously, I am bilingual since I was able to talk. I used to have continuous nightmares that the devil was there to swallow me into the pit of hell and I was afraid to be there.

So I hated Disney world. I didn’t sleep much and I didn’t like to be there. I hated USA and I didn’t want to be on this “evil” land. It wasn’t great. I wanted to go home where it was safe. I was afraid. I find it funny that when I was little I was extremely religious and afraid of many things. Especially people who were not like me. I was afraid of the difference.

I ask my self now, is that how you brain wash a child? Forced feed them random information that is completely absurd and completely untrue?

The years passed and after the gulf war (1992) we had to either go back to Lebanon (not our home but we are refugee from there), or move on to the new world and go to USA. My parents wanted us to have a better future and try to gain a nationality from a developing country who might accept us. So we took our first journey to USA.

I didn’t want to go. I didn’t understand the reason. I was 11 years old and I didn’t know better. However, I knew I didn’t want to go there and I just wanted to go back to the Arab world where it seemed safe and familiar. The new world was strange and open. My problem was since I was afraid, I was extremely shy and I didn’t talk. I didn’t know what to say. People saw me different. I was a tan little person with black hair, and here I am in grade 6 with these white, blond, blue eyed people around me. I was afraid, I felt like an outsider and everyone looking at me. That’s when I stopped talking. I never said hi and I never spoke unless spoken too. I was afraid because I didn’t know how to interact and think like them. I was from another world.

So days passed and living in USA was a complete fearful time. My parents tried their best to keep me secluded and not interact with people because they were “evil”. I was afraid because I believed it. My mom would be afraid of the things people would do to me. One time my mom thought I was pregnant and thought that since I was naive and thought that evil people around me would take advantage of me. I was like, “huh what.. why?”. I was 12 years old now and I didn’t understand the fear. I learned to listen and observe my surrounding. That’s what I kept doing growing up. Not talk, but listen and observe behavior. I had to, it was the only way I can survive and understand people.

As I grew up in a very open atmosphere, however, I lived in the south with very conservative Baptist, I felt safe. They are obviously more open to life than the Arab world, but deep down and behavior wise, these people were no different than me. I felt comfort. I learned to accept and wondered why Arabs and Muslims thought this was the land of the devil. What devil? They prayed to God, they had high morals and very conservative nice people. So I accepted and I lived my teenage years around them. I felt safe and I was happy. I learned to accept this land.

However, after 5 years we had to move to Canada. Canada accepted us as citizens to its land. I didn’t care to move anymore. Life was hard and we had to continue our journey to find a home and be treated like normal human beings. Now I was 16 years old in grade 11. I had to move here. This is when I felt out of home. After 5 years I finally saw Arabs. They spoke Arabic. Other people spoke Arabic and they were Muslim too. Were we destined to go back to our roots surrounded with many people like our selves?

After 5 years I actually heard Arabic other than my parents. My Arabic faded, and I barely was able to speak it. I wanted to go speak Arabic. I wanted to interact and make friends with my own people. I wanted to feel like I was back at home and safe in a better environment where there are more people like me. I wanted to feel safe again in a good way without having to think twice.

So I tried. I met random Arabs. I wanted to talk to them, try to be friends. I wanted to be an Arab again! There were many in the new high school I went to. There were so many in random ages and different people all around. I just wanted to feel like I belonged, really belonged. However, my hopes were faded. I believed that my people were good. They were morally ethical and very nice. I grew up to believe so. However, I was seclude, literally, from Arabs for 5 years. I spent 5 years trying to adjust and understand other people of the world. And now I was old enough and I wanted to go back to my people. I wanted to feel like I belonged again. However, that was not the case. Not at all.

Arabs didn’t like me. They hated me. First thing they said, “you don’t have an accent, are you born in USA?” I said, “no, but…” Then they said, “you must be rich and have went to a private school back home then..” I felt weird they asked that because I did go to a private school back home. So what? I wondered why they asked that. Then they said, “it’s strange you are so dark, do you sit in the sun all day or something?.. we are not allowed to, our mom wants us to stay white so we get married soon..” Married? Those girls are thinking of marriage. They are still in high school for goodness sake. Why are they forced fed this information. I had to explain to them that I am Arab too and I am naturally tan, God created me this way. They disregarded me and I felt like an outsider again. In this new country where I had a little hope of interacting with my people again, I felt lonely and an outsider again. No one liked me for how I looked or spoke. So I became more shy. I became more self conscious and alone. So I stopped talking completely. I barely spoke and I was afraid to make friends. Who wants to be friends me with? I was not white, I was an Arab, and neither Arabs or non-Arabs seemed to want to be friends with me. So I just felt that whatever I did or tried to do, didn’t work.

So I wondered about my life. I didn’t understand why some Arabs were very open and not so religious, and some so religious and conservative. Others were not so religious and very secretive, and others were the opposite of that. I just had hard time understanding people. I learned that my people are nice, ethical, moral people. They weren’t. I grew up learning one thing, and once I interacted with them, things were different. I didn’t know why and was not able to understand it.

As I grew older I just kept trying to interact and hoping I can meet nice people out there. I couldn’t. I didn’t understand them, and they didn’t understand me. I just wanted to be around normal people. People who are not religious, and weren’t so open either. I wanted that nice middle open-minded to life thinking. The thinking where you just have to learn to accept people and just go with the flow. Live life ethically, and morally and like people all around you.

I just wish I wasn’t brain washed as a child and just learned to accept life. I just grew up learning things the hard way and spent most of my time trying to understand different people and different cultures. It just seemed I didn’t even know mine. I really didn’t and I don’t think I ever will.

Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!