I just came to realize I am totally obsessed with blogging. I don’t think it took many of you to figure that out. However, I only blog once a day. I decided to change the template again cause I am the queen of change! I can’t stand having same old thing and I am lazy to make my own. So I hunt for more. Anyways, today I went to the beach. yaaay.. I am blacker! I went swimming. Lake Erie is so cold! Well today was not a perfect day to go swimming, but I do love swimming!

The water however is so shallow. I wasn’t impressed. I love going to the beach though. Not many Arabs! Arabs here don’t go to certain beaches. Somehow I see them more at private beaches or when it is extremely hot, or later in the afternoon. Arabs don’t go out anywhere before 4 pm because they wake up at 12 pm and eat breakfast and then plan their day. Since when is the beginning of a day at 12:00 pm?

Anyways.. loved it.. I am a lot darker. I put sun screen twice though! First time I felt my skin burning, and the sun wasn’t so nice!

After that I went home and didn’t do much. I have been a lazy bum and I just wanted to relax. I need relaxation time! I love weekends!! And next week will be great too at work.. aaah.. looking forward to it!

Also important note: I added a new chat room page with session times. Check it out.. First chat sessions will be Monday!

Blah Blah, Funny

I guess yesterday’s post caused quite a spark in debate. It is due to my dislike of my co-workers. I really do no like any of them. I have to tolerate and work with them, but by all means I don’t have to like them. The reason I am saying this because I did notice them either ganging up on me or using sarcastic comments to invoke me. Little did they know because I am a very emotional person with my own problems I seem to neglect them or just go with the flow. However lately, it has not been the case. Really it hasn’t.

Let me explain first my work place. I am the only girl. I am the only one with years of qualification and dedication to my work. I work with my heart. I really like what I do. It keeps me sane! I treat my work as a hobby. That’s what I do and I barely take vacations. I don’t find them necessary. Sometimes I take half a day off or a day off here and there, but I don’t plan anything (I quit planning), and I just like coming to work. It gives me something to do during the day.

All I can say is I am not the best worker, or the greatest work. On the contrary, I am pretty average. I am skilled in making things look nice and appealing because usually the eyes speak first and you have to impress your audience with creativity, but I do like programming. Programming is my passion, but I like to take things one step at a time and not get distracted when I program. Programming gives me a challenge and gives me a bit more excitement during the day. When it comes to programming, I usually can’t program at work. If I do then I have to have my headphones on with really loud music because I easily get distracted with people talking. So what do I do when I don’t finish my daily objective? I work from home. Simple as that.

So let’s get back to why I think no one likes me. I know for a fact it is because I am a girl and I am treated differently and my attitude towards work and life is completely different. So when I see my own co-workers giving me no respect and throwing stupid sarcastic comments here and there just to make them themselves appear funny, then I feel offended. I do feel offended, but I tend to ignore it. Lately, I am not putting up with their crap because I am actually paying attention to them and wondering why they are doing this to me. Most of them are friends with each other. Some actually hang out outside work and actually help out each other outside of work. Which puzzles me because I know they talk shit about each other behind their backs. So why this fake friendship? I don’t know. I just can’t handle it. I am too honest and I can’t stand being fake.

This reminds me of a previous co-worker we had a year and a half ago, but my boss had to end his contract (he was an Arab.. ) because he would email at like 4 or 5 am saying he won’t come to work, he didn’t sleep yet or he will be late. He had issues. Anyways, this guy hated me with a passion. He hated the way I portrayed my self as an Arab. Although he was Palestinian too, he hated me. He used to make fun of me and say Arab girls don’t look like you, they are a lot skinnier and that’s why they get married early. (First insult, but I ignored him, I knew he wouldn’t last long with that attitude). He used to preach to me about Islam, yet half the time he didn’t show up to work is because he used to be a drunk and always at clubs at night. Worse part is that he would leave work on Fridays to go to Friday prayers in the Mosque. (Hypocrite yes). He used to make fun of my work and say my work is awful. He was good at graphics design, very talented and that’s why he was hired. (So he was jealous of others and he put them down to make him self look better work wise.) Then when my boss refused to renew his contract, he comes to me in bewilderment and saying, “why me, I do great work, but the boss said there is no more money to keep me but he will stay in touch with me if I am needed. But I thought the guys are my friends. I never had white friends before. I really trusted them.” I looked at him and I just didn’t say anything. I just said, “I have no idea why he didn’t keep you, and I don’t ask.” I ended it there, and just thought to my self at that moment, “you are an ass and a hypocrite, who would want to keep you with such an attitude.”

The problem with my work is there is a major domino effect. One person makes fun of another, then the other thinks it is ok and does it to someone else. It just a continuous circle and I am stuck in the middle. Most of the time because of my anger / emotional problems, I tend to not think when I get mad and just throw back a nasty comment to try to shut them up. Half the time I ignore it, but when I am fully awake and paying attention, then I am usually not nice. Half the time when they talk about stupid things I want to shut them up with a mean remark. They just seriously piss me off.

Now, they are at a conference which I refused to go to. I don’t ever want to go to any conferences with them. Either I go by my self or stay here. I refuse to spend any more time with them. It’s enough I have to put up with them here, I don’t need to do so at some conference in some other city where I have to be with them for over 12 hours a day. So I am so happy. They are gone, and I will be free! I hope my boss gives them the rest of next week off so I can be free of them and can get more work done since I have been a slacker and so behind.

So from being at work 5 years and seeing people leave or get fired, I learned a few things. People need to stop thinking they are better than others. They need to stop making fun of others to display to others their stupid sarcastic humor, and they need to actually like what they do and be nice to people and their co-workers. All I can say some people at work will not last that long. And if they do, and their continued sarcasm and disrespect to others continue and escalates to a point where I can’t stand it, then I will just leave. I am not married to my job and I know I can do something else in my life that could be more interesting. It may not be a hobby, but something where people will respect me more and I feel like I am going to a real job and not a playground. I just don’t know why I tolerate this. I wish I didn’t like what I did so I can force my self to leave, but the problem is I really like my work. I just wish I worked alone and I was more productive!

Angry, They said what?, Whatever!

So here is the situation.. a couple of hours ago I was deeply offended by “someone” that I fucken have to put up with daily and I am not really impressed with work wise or personal wise. I find him childish. He dissed me for being Palestinian.. and saying that I am not a real Palestinian and I don’t know how it feels to be an Arab because I was not born in my own country. That’s when I looked and was in shock.. Are Arabs that racist to each other? That’s when I had to stop it. My anger level was above normal and luckily I did not scream.

I had to retaliate quickly and said, “I can’t believe you would say such thing and act all ignorant about something that is so political and we can’t do anything about. My parents could not help what happened, they did not choose this path. We are not born in our country for political reasons! But your family chose not to have you in your OWN country.”

That shut him up. I was extremely pissed off. I can’t believe that Arabs are so stupid and ignorant. So pathetic. No wonder why my people are suffering. Millions of Arabs, 28 countries and they could not manage to help and defend their Arabic neighbour! It is because they are two-faced stupid ignorant people who hate others! No wonder there is so much corruption in the world. They know nothing about how much we suffered. Living in refugee camps, going from one country to another to beg them to live there and give us a home. We are treated like crap because of who we are.

I really don’t like other Arabs because of the ignorance and stupid racist comments they throw at each other. I learned to just retaliate. In my mind I rather have people make fun of me, say stupid sarcastic comments, but once they make fun of my people, I will seriously get angry.

Like I said before, I will never ever step foot in any ARABIC country ever! If my land is free that’s the only place I will go back to. Other than that, only Canada wanted us and gave us a home. No one else in the fucken world cared! Especially Arab racist countries!

Angry, Blah Blah

I have managed to get my self back to square one. I feel like I lost all hope and trust in people. I am having a hard time talking anymore. I am mastering the fake smiles and laughs, but today I felt like I am doing it painfully. I am in a dejavu of my past and things are not getting any better. I feel like everything that I have built up to and tried to fix and change has returned back to the beginning. I felt like I am living in a loop. How do I brake out of it?

I am trying really hard to just think of something that will make me happy. Nothing is working. No one is making me happy, nothing is making me happy. Even consuming high levels of caffeine and sugar is not helping. I wonder what I can do to change all that. I went to the gym yesterday and I felt weak and unmotivated to do anything. My continuous thinking is causing me grieve. I feel guilty and sad. I don’t know why, and it is causing me to jeopardize my work because I can’t focus.

Random Thoughts

I just realized now I got so much work to do for work and I have been an extreme slacker.. so I need to shape up and give my self a boost so I can get my work done before Thursday afternoon.. There is a conference on the weekend and I need to get my part done ASAP.. aaah work.. only thing that keeps me sane.. Love it. I need more of it.. hehehe.. This summer though has been slow.. cause I decided to not take any classes or anything.. I need to relax time.. I wanted to see how boring my life would be..

And I proved that my life is very boring and I need two jobs to keep my busy!! hahaha.. I need a hobby too. I am thinking of starting a little blog business.. To make custom blog template and hosting space for people.. anyone interested? I think I can do that and it would be fun.. something to keep me busy over the summer.. I am going to look into it..

Blah Blah, Sleepy Post