I haven’t really posted or talked a lot over the weekend. So I decided to do it now. I was in a very bad mood. For reasons I don’t feel like talking about (family things).. and I was just in a bad mood. So I woke up Saturday morning and just sat in my bed.. till about 10:30 am I went to check my email and I got two emails. One as a comment from my blog to my blog email and another one to my personal email. They were both carbon copies.

I guess the story that I have written the past week made someone crawl out of their little world and try to intrude into mine. So he emailed me. I wrote a 3 day post about him, and somehow out of no where he decides to share his two cents. I deleted the one that he posted on my site immediately the moment I saw it. I find it funny because in that note he was angry, dumbfounded, in shock of what I have written about him. I was surprised he even bothered to write or care. He kept saying I only go on your blog when I “feel” that you are talking about me. Hmm, funny cause I don’t believe in coincidence. Probably it was his random visit to my site from time to time. So I guess he has been missing me or in the back in his mind wondering what I have been up to. If my life has changed for better or worse. So he was mad, very mad. So what did I do? I guess some friends I know in person saw the message he had posted before I did and I thought I should display it for the world to see. They thought it was the reason I was in a bad mood. On the contrary, I felt kind of special, he still checks my blog! My evil nemesis that hasn’t talked to me in months or bothered to say anything showed up. I wonder why he did? I just never bothered to ask. I just ignored it. I didn’t want to give him the pleasure of replying to him or actually caring about any word he says. It was like reading a letter written to someone else. It didn’t interest me or effect me at all. So Saturday passed and Sunday came. I woke up in the morning around 7 am and I checked my email.

This time the email was sent from his formal work email. I guess he was traveling around and wasn’t at home. This time the email sounded like he was hurt. He was guilty. Or did his mood change completely within 24 hours due to me ignoring him? I didn’t reply back. Not for the first, nor the second. I just completely ignored it. I thought to be mean and just post it on my blog, but I thought why? Is that what he wanted me to do? Did he want me to show it to the world that he is so sad and having a bad life cause of me?

Well, the email wasn’t guilt or sadness cause of what he did to me. On the contrary, it was blaming me for him having bad times in his life. He said that the reason his life has been bad and had many road blocks in life was because I was angry at him and hated him. Pretty much bad3y 3aleeh (praying to God against him).. So the guilt somehow turned to a blame again. I was the reason. So I did everything for him. I cared about him and thought he was my all. The one and only and I did everything I could to make him happy, and even when I didn’t talk to him for months or even bother he still blamed me that his life is not going well.

People are funny. Really. So I ignored him. I still thought about it. The situation as a whole makes me sad. I won’t deny that, but at the same time I really feel nothing towards him. I don’t feel pity or sadness or anger. Nothing. I just feel like it was a very bad fever that caused me to act delusional and not think well, and now I am cured from it. Sometimes when you are sick you cannot re-live the feeling that you were since you got cured of it. You just keep taking care of your self and hoping you won’t get sick again. That’s what I was. I was sick and now I am cured.

They said what?

Sometimes I look back at my life and wonder what is the happiest moment in my life. A moment in my life that I felt overly happy filled with joy and happiness. An uncontrollable feeling that I cannot describe. I sit here and think and wonder what that felt like. How it happened, and who I was with or what the situation was. I kept wondering about that moment. Those thoughts that were going on in my head at that precise moment. So I am sitting here thinking and trying to remember what it was. I try to collect all my thoughts and think of it. I try to flip through all the thoughts and memories in my head to remember.

However, what did I remember?

I don’t remember anything. I don’t remember what made me happy. I don’t think I ever had a moment of extreme joy and happiness. That magical feeling. I wonder how it feels like.

Laughing and smiling does not make you a happy joyful person. That is just an exterior cover. A masque to hide your true feelings. You need to be truly happy from the inside. You need to actually feel comfort and joy.

I wonder how that moment would feel like.

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

Religion is used to make you feel guilty about your actions. It makes your inner unconscious scrimmage from agony because you feel so guilty. Aaah.. I love religion and hate it. I want a neutral religion with no guilt. How about that? I am not gonna denounce the fact I am Muslim, but I need to have people stop using religion against me!

We need religion to just be pure ethical and morally positive! That’s all. I hate it when others use it to make you feel guilty!! aaahhhgghhhh..

Angry, They said what?

It’s funny sometimes how people react to what you say. So for the past week I spent my time writing a story of my past. A painful past that I wanted to share with everyone. It’s my life and my site and I felt like writing about it. Any harm in that? I mean my life has been up and down, left and right continuously, but I have managed to keep my head up and just learn to make the best of it. I won’t call my self unlucky or unfortunate. Like I said in yesterday’s post, we got to live and learn! But this morning as I checked my email I knew that others will never live and learn. Will never change. What dumbfounds me is their pursuit for proving their point. To convince others that things are not what it seems and I am just writing a one sided view. I am. I will not deny it and I cannot write otherwise.

Yet, what astonishes me is that what I write really gets into people’s hearts. It makes them angry, happy, sad, etc. I don’t try to write something to grab people’s attention. I write what is in my head. I write to say something that I feel should be said. So I say it, and I know I have to live with the consequences of my writings. However, over time, I just quit bothering and trying to be considerate to other people. Why should I? Would they do the same for me?

So why do I do it? Why do I keep writing?� I am not trying to prove anything. I am just trying to tell stories, to discuss things that I feel are not right. Or things that I want to write down as a memory of my life.

Think about it. Most of us can never be famous or well known for the world to know. Most of us will not invent something that will change the world for better or worse.� Most of us will barely be remembered by anyone. So how do we place a mark for our selves so others will remember us by?

So the internet was invented, the world wide web became a global village for us to communicate and share our world together. Our memories and life will never die. It will be there for someone, just anyone to read and see. Someone out there will always remember us for something that may seem insignificant to most, but means the world to them.� That’s how we can preserve our memories, by sharing them with the world.

Someone out there may not know you in person, but will most likely remember you by sharing with them the memory.

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

I tried many times in my life to just think about the cause of people’s actions. Why some people always seek control and power to belittle other people? Why some people get offended from the truth when someone tells it? Worse yet, to tell the truth to the world and you get insulted and ridiculed for it. Why is the world filled with lies and dishonesty? Who are we to believe and who can we trust?

Sometimes I wish I had an answer to my questions. People always say, “you got to live and learn.” So we spend out lifetime just learning about these things. Some of us just keep living the journey of learning. In other words, our curiosity controls our actions. We are always curious and always thinking of many scenarios and many possible outcomes. We are also always hoping for something and always dreaming. However, what are we dreaming for? What are we hoping for? Doesn’t reality get the best of us. It hits us in the face that our heads turn and we cannot turn it back because it is too painful, and sometimes impossible. We keep planning, hoping, dreaming, but for what? We try our best to control our future, but in the end, it controls us.

Do we live and learn from our mistakes? Not really. We just continually make them because we are irrational, sensitive, emotional beings. Our emotions are stronger than our logic. But how do balance it? It’s quite difficult. All we got to do in life is just accept things the way they are and just try to understand people’s actions as a sign of weakness. People are afraid of telling the truth, and showing the truth. People have too much pride to tell the truth. They have too much pride when you tell the truth and then they belittle you and make you feel so small and insignificant in other people’s eyes. They don’t want you to be honest because it will damage them.

It is just human nature. Look at how most of the people are living in this world. They are oppressed, ridiculed, and punished for telling the truth and for standing up for what they believe in. They are also punished for what others have done. There is no justice in this world. No equality. There is no justice even between our selves. Not even with the closest people to us.

So who can we trust in this world? What do we really end up learning from life?

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post, Whatever!