Why am I always angry?

I have been asked a couple of days ago of why I am always angry. To be honest, I think I am angry with my self. I see things around me, life around me, people around me, and I just feel an inner remorse and sadness. I keep envying the people around me. I keep feeling that people are climbing up to new heights and life is treating them better. I just look back at my self 10 years ago. I had such a strong personality and drive. I had many ambitions and great expectations of my self. I felt that I would be able to accomplish my dream. To accomplish something that would make me happy and proud of my self. My achievements. All my hopes and dreams vanished suddenly and I let it tear me apart. I felt two years ago that I can take charge of my life again. I felt like I can bandage all the mistakes and begin again. However, the bandage wouldn’t stay. It wasn’t life proof.

As days passed, and as months passed I felt like I am running towards a dream I had long ago. It was a childhood dream to put it in better terms. I grew. I faced life too quickly. That caused me great grief. I suffered from depression and at times I forgot how to smile. I didn’t know how to, and it was painful to do so. I felt the muscles in my mouth were in pain when I did so. I tried to take comfort in people. I tried to allow others into my life and into my heart to help me.

However, there was a major façade (face) that I learned to use. It was more of a frontal barrier; my defense mechanism. I don’t know how else to describe it. I just learned to keep a straight fake face that made it seem that I was content and happy. However, I just kept everything hidden inside to a point where the depression became overwhelming.

So you ask why I did not consult with anyone for help? I did. I tried to find mentors and psychologists to help me. Many of them just offered substances or wanted a large sum of money to cure me and get me out of the black hole I put my self into. The days passed and I felt like I was confronting my own pain and talking to complete strangers about it. I felt that those who are close to me did not want to listen. They did not want to help me. Yet, a stranger would listen for a price. I didn’t understand why people resorted to such methods. I felt like I was just talking to my self in an empty room where I can hear the echo back to my head. I just had to stop.

I felt like I was insane. I was slowly admitting that I had a problem and I was resorting to a medical treatment. After a while I stopped. I had to stop and face reality. I put my self into this mess, I was not able to control my emotions and let it take over me.

My problem started when I was 17. That’s when I realized that I was weak. It was my first attempt to suicide. I had little faith in my self. I was lucky that my body rejected a bottle of pills. It did. It’s funny when you put your self at the edge of life and death. The dizziness and the black image in front of you is not really scary. It is not comforting. It it also not welcoming. It is not happy either. It is gloomy and sad. I felt at those moments that I had to resist and get back my sanity. I lost it for a few minutes. But for some odd reason I had that little hope. That little bright light to just get back. To come back and continue.

From that moment I brought my self back to reality. However, reality kept slapping me in the face and I just kept hiding. I was avoiding it. I was telling it to just go away and leave me alone. I wanted to just shield my self. I wanted to keep a barrier between me and everyone else in the world. I don’t know why I did that. I was just afraid of people to know the real me. I wanted to keep a positive image. A fake image that will cope with her surroundings. That’s what I was doing. That was my attempt. However, it was not a great solution. It wasn’t a solution at all.

However, that didn’t last. I didn’t know how to control it. I didn’t know how to control my self and I kept getting angry. I did not know how to control my emotions and anger. I became defensive. The barrier I put was breached, and I resorted to a very weak way to deal with the pain.

As the years passed, my anger became increasingly noticeable. In reality, it was unbearable.

Anger is not a solution. It never was, and it was the only thing I knew how to use.

After months and years, I wanted to be loved. For someone to just love me for who I am. To just accept me and make me feel that I might be an important person. I guess for those who have been keeping up with my blog, you can see the hidden message. One sided love does not work out. It never will, and convincing my self to do so will only cause me continuous pain and suffering. If you want to remember you can read the story here.

Days passed, months passed, and what do I see; my life back to square one. I feel like I am 17 again but this time, I feel like life swept before my eyes and I am just sitting here laughing about it. I won’t deny the help I seeked, that people I tried to consult. The friends that I tried to maintain. I wasn’t stable. I wasn’t happy. I was just going along with the moment to momentarily satisfy me. I tried everything to keep the pain away. I tried smoking but it seems I am allergic to smoke in my mouth! I tried drinking, but consciously I couldn’t and I just spitted it out. I tried over the counter pain killers, and after a while I just became immune to it and didn’t do anything to me. I remember one time when I didn’t sleep all night and I had to go to school and I decided to see how good nysquil is. So I drank the whole bottle and as I was getting off the bus, about 30 minutes after drinking it, I tried to get off the bus and I fell off from the bus. It was hilarious. I had to grab people to keep my self up. It was ridiculous. I just went to get coffee to wake my self up. It took a few hours but I never did that again.

I did many stupid things, but one day I just stopped. I just told my self that I had enough. Nothing was helping me and I just have to live day by day. No plans, no direction, no outlook to the future. Just live the moment and that way I won’t have to worry so much. I just need to live one moment at a time.

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post