Learn to read then listen.

As human beings, we are curious to know things about other people. It is just curiosity, nothing more. For me, a lot more people than I expected read my thoughts. They don’t use it against me in any way. I hope they don’t and never will. I think my site is more like a little secret between me and others. For them to read, and maybe when I feel like talking, for them to just listen to a better truth. Or even ask. I don’t mind. However, they realize the difference in my true personality and what I write and question it or compare it. It scares me. Sometimes I forget what I am writing and why I am writing it. At times I feel so self conscious and I feel that I am writing for a certain audience, and I don’t want to. I don’t know half the time what I am writing. A lot of times I forget and I have to read what I wrote again when people comment. I forget my thoughts and reasons that I wrote such things. I look back at certain posts and see the majority of comments are on certain critical posts. Posts when I was angry and unhappy and my thoughts were all over the place.

Now, I am very calm and I am checking my site and seeing what I have missed and who said what and why. I learned to just let it all out. Tell my story. My side of the story that people I know in person don’t want to listen to.

I have also been getting so many non-Arabs commenting telling me that they are not attracted to my site because I am Arab. On the contrary, they like my site and are daily readers because someone else out there is not afraid to speak out. I am not afraid. However, I am terrified of the things I unconsciously say. I look back and realize that I was seriously drugged or something when I wrote many of my posts. Also, I got lovely sweet comments to my email of Arab females happy with what I wrote because I was in a way representing a stronger voice for Arab girls. For once, I was proud to be an Arab and I have contributed something so small but means something bigger to someone else.

So a lot ask me about my mood and my thoughts when I am writing.

I write when I listen to music. Very soft romantic tunes or ambient music. I am very picky with music and I listen carefully to the lyrics of the songs. I imagine my self in those 4 or 5 minutes and try to live a short tale. Try to relate it to my life and start writing. I think it is a trick or a way for me to write with more feeling and more honesty.

This is what I am listening to now. Probably one of the best songs I have ever heard..

I have read many blogs out there, and I am not impressed or I just cannot relate to many. However, there are a couple of blogs out there that I am religiously reading daily, and one of them has stopped writing. She is suffering from the inside as I read it twice and thrice times. Her last post filled with pain and if a person really reads between the lines then they will feel the pain and suffering that she endures. I feel sometimes when I read blogs full with emotions and sadness that I want to truly help. I just don’t know how. I keep thinking that if I can help then, than somehow I can help my self. So the last time she posted was June 21st. The approved comments have stopped too. So I just wonder about the pain that she endures and I am waiting for the second part of the story. It’s like I am waiting for a positive ending. I want others to end their pain so I don’t have to feel any more pain. So I don’t have to read sadness anymore. I just hoped that the happiness in others will bring out my happiness and hope that there is a solution to my sadness in other’s writings.

I am just a person writing down thoughts. Please just read.. then listen.

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post