Reasons Arabs Live a Double Life
A girl this morning asked me by email about living a double life in an Arabic culture. The cause and reasonings of why this thing is quite common within Arab societies. Especially for us that live here in the western world. I will explain my point of view. Living a double life in a very conservative culture is like trying to mimic the movie Catch Me if You Can. In this case we are trying so hard to do things that are wrong, perfecting what is wrong, and escaping the end result for years and years. On the down side, many of us get caught. The reason why we live a double life is because many of us are tired of living this closed minded conservative life that is controlled by our elders. They do not understand why we are “rebelling” and are always angry. We cannot confront them with the truth of our actions and the life we want to live. To them it is not acceptable in any way. They cannot fathom the idea for us to be more liberated and free thinking individuals because to them it is not the “Arabic” way of living. The close family ties within the Arabic culture is the reason for this problem. In the Arab world a family is very close and your business is everyone else’s business. Even the neighbors know your life.
So our generation, mostly generation X and Y are more subject to world globalization. Where access to various cultures is only a click away by either TV or the world wide web. This caused us to be very aware and open to our surroundings. Some of us know that our very conservative culture does not allow us to do 1% of the things that are going around in the western world. However, we seem to want to experience life and are easily effected by our surroundings. From the schools we went to, to the Universities/Colleges and work. We we forced to adapt because this is what this culture has made us do. Try to explain that to our elders. You cannot. They don’t understand why we have to adapt and change in order to be like others to be accepted. It is completely absurd and to them we are becoming corrupted.
I know quite a few Arabs here that have taken their children or young adolescent sons/daughters back to the Arab world to make sure they are not effected by the westernized way of thinking. Some unfortunately had to return back because it seems that the Arab world in various countries has changed as well and maybe worse than here. It has become part of this global village. It is not really ethics or morals that our generation is lacking. On the contrary, we are just more open to life and want to live in an open minded society where our actions are not questioned.
Unfortunetly, we are not able to convince our elders with such a change in mentality. So we resort to living this double life. We live almost another life because of them. The problem with this other life that we try so hard to not get caught. It becomes second nature and we know “all the ways” to not get caught. We even avoid other people our age group that have parents that are friends or even know our parents. Gossip is another life’s hard fact that we have to face. Since Arab culture is so conservative and everyone knows everyone else, trying to avoid such situations is quite cumbersome.
I remember one time when this one girl saw me with my EX and I tried so hard to run away before she saw us together. She saw us though but I guess keeping her mouth shut and realizing that she is not any better was best at that situation. There are also the parties and gatherings and “wrong” things we have done in our lives that is merely a small adventure to us, but a crime in our elder’s eyes.
According to our culture, we have committed so many sinful and unspeakable actions. What can we do? Who are we to satisfy? Our selves or our culture?
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Updated @ 5:43 PM: From the comments you can see that there are many closed minded Arabs who just love to make assumptions of others. He also kept posting comments and calling me a young slut and he wants me to continue discussing things with him. People just love to argue at other people’s sites because they don’t have a life. I feel sorry for their backwards mentality and their closed minded thoughts.
this was a bit subjective version you have to admit. The society doesn’t look like that – it only looks like that from the view of a person that is not counted any longer as one of the Arabs. It is thus very common that a drug addict tries to make drug using something better than it is, of course because he use it himself. Please, you are very wrong when you make it look like it is only the young against the elder. It is, more correctly, ideologies against each other. And moreover, the people that escape from, for example Lebanon, they escape from not only war – but also from the conservative society, searching for a lifestyle like the west have. Thanks.
You know when someone cocoons himself, he becomes a time capsule. too bad we are forced to have a foot in there.
Just don’t let your right hand know what your left is doing thats the best thing to do
lol @ bambam.. very interesting way of putting it I guess..
Ahmad.. maybe I am wrong, or maybe you are wrong.. but I disagree on the part where you said that Lebanon is a conservative country.. My brother’s wife moved here from there last year.. and to her Canada is a lot more conservative.
Was the part with Lebanon the only thing you saw? and even so – I said example! Then Lebanon is not like a country at all, it is more like provinces with the main ideologies clashing most evident in Lebanon. It is these days ongoing “fight” between “taghriib” and “ta3riib”, e.g “westernization” and “arabisation” of the region (even you say it is about the “arabic” way of life” according to Arabs). In the same time, you have to understand that the other way round goes on too – the western society mostly expects from you to become like them to be accepted. You mean that it is right that just because they expect you to be like them you think every elder should agree that we give up our ways and take theirs to be accepted? i think this is totally wrong, not from the point that I belong to the super proud Arabs, bu t mainly because this is against the human rights of keeping your traditions or culture if you so wish (especially when we escape to countries that talk loudly about them self as best examples of freedom keepers). Are you not interested in even finding another explanation? or you just don’t like to discuss?
I seem to lost interest discussing it with you Ahmad. My opinion is my own.. and I stated that in my post in the first paragraph. We are all different and we think differently. Each of us has a way to interpret things based on the life we have lived. So arguing with me will not satisfy you in any way. And trying to prove me wrong will not make you any better of a person. You are the visitor and I am the writer. You are free to argue with me, but I am free to discuss it or not with you.
I haven’t forced you discuss it – I only asked you. I just thought some bloggers are very interested in discussing what they like to write. I am surprised how you as a so called Arab don’t want to even modify you view, I wish you try to convince me if you want – because I love to hear new views, and not only old bored views directly taken from westerners (I mean you are one of those so called Arabs that take the views of the west without even think them through first). But I understand you, my job in IRL force me to keep in touch with many middle eastern girls that suffer from a identity crisis – it is hard so I understand you..
I like to discuss it with open minded people.. not those who prove that MY OPINION is wrong and theirs is right… by the way.. I know what your IP address is and you are from Sweden.. and you are posting other comments in my site with a different user name and using very westernized language..
by the way.. if I was westernized or not.. that’s my business and not yours.. if you don’t like it then go refresh your thinking and accept the fact that people are different and have OTHER views.
Also this comment you just wrote
“(I mean you are one of those so called Arabs that take the views of the west without even think them through first). ”
and this one
” I am surprised how you as a so called Arab don’t want to even modify you view, I wish you try to convince me if you want ”
That was completely out of line and you are not allowed to post on my site anymore. You are banned for making assumptions. By the way.. I am more Arab than you are! Because I live here in Canada and I have an open minded view of life does not make me a NON ARAB Or WESTERNIZED!
Hey its not my place to moderate, but as an outsider i think you over reacted a bit there mona(written before i read the edit).
As for Ahmad, get off your chair a bit people usually don’t take it nicely when they are talked down to.
What she is talking about is totally valid in my opinion (see, no over bearing master theory filter of right or wrong)
The idea is that being an Arab comes with more than its fair share of baggage, and the elders in this case always feel nostalgic and forget that their way in leaving only got us to where we are today.
What, i think at least, is that they should try to give a younger generation with a totally different perspective and set of ideologies take their fair shot at it. That doesn’t mean we catherise the culture out of us. IT SIMPLY MEANS THAT WE ARE THE NEW CULTURE AND THEY HAVE TO ACCEPT IT.
The proof that we are culturalized through and through is that even though we find it difficult and complain about the “double life” we care too much about our loved ones that we can’t adopt the “if they love me they will accept me attitude” of your so called understanding of the western culture.
On a totally different note, what is the IRL is it what i think it stands for. you allowing your self to be forced into doing something translates into you are coerced into doing. I guess it also reflects in the insincere snarky fashion that you carry your self about a discussion.
ENJOY !
hi bambam
thanks for your open minded and educated response. I know I over reacted but only after he pushed my buttons.. he also posted in another post calling my friend a slut. So really that’s when I really stopped tolerating it.. anyways.. he is banned. I banned his IP address from posting to my blog. If he posts again, I will ban again. Simple as that. I don’t have time to have a conversation with such people.
I don’t care what culture or ethnic group a person comes from all young people live a double life to some extent and do things their elders don’t approve of. Some of the things you see other young people do would freak their parents out if they were ever caught. I guess the only difference is some ethnic groups are not as close knit and therefore don’t know each other’s business very well. It seems strange to me when some people mention Westerners and the Western world as if it was some big homogeneous group that think act and all alike. I don’t think of myself as a westerner and never have. I think of myself as a Canadian. The thing I guess that confuses some people that move to Canada is how free everybody is to live their own life as they choose. The only thing is we don’t all approve of everybody’s life style choices. Canada is made up of different ethnic, social and economic groups and some behaviors are perfectly acceptable in one group are not acceptable in another. For instance, some kid decides to dress like a Goth and listen to EMO music. The Goth kid probably wouldn’t be very accepted in gathering of born again Christians who would think that Goth kid was some kind of Satanist. On the other hand, the Goth kid would probably be more accepted in gathering of Pagans instead. Another example is somebody buying a purse costing $1000. In many lower middle class homes that would be considered a stupid waste of money while in an upper class home it would probably looked upon as good thing to buy a costly status item. It is all a matter of where you’re coming from. :mrgreen:
yah I know.. there are people living double lives in various cultures.. I just don’t understand why Arabs get offended when someone mentions this..
By the way… the most expensive purse I ever got was $250.00. It was a Coach bag.. It is nice!
DON’T MESS WITH MONA!
I agree with what Mona is saying. There’s a new generation of Arabs who want more freedom and this comes into conflict with the elders who can’t tolerate it. They see it as evil, bad, dirty, Western, rebellious etc. when all it really is normal and a more mature way of living.
i know that ahmad.. you can actually reply to the posts. he can’t cause i banned his IP address.. :good:
Arabs that were born here… are not Arabs
well i don’t know about that.. some do speak Arabic better than arabs who move to here!
You mentioned that one girl saw you with your EX. Just wondering, how many EX’s you had. And how it feels to let one after another take advantage of your body and soul, instead of waiting or trying to find the one right person?
what the hell.. i only had one… and no one touches me!!!! have you heard of Arab relationships.. God!! you are sick!
Very brave website, very brave writing. I admire your courage. I am a tv producer who has been to Ramallah and made a film for the BBC about girls who desperately want to break free from their oppressive lives, and I have to say that, as an impartial observer, I was shocked at the way women are deemed to be second class citizens. Arabic society, it seems to me, is no place for women, and any woman who speaks out against the multitude of injustices that exist in Islamic culture, like the very brave host of this site, Mona, is truly unique. Power to you Mona. xxx
Thank you Brad for your words.. I don’t mind telling the truth about life and things that go on within my culture..
Hi,
. Still, the topic is continuing to hurt many, Arab-Arab and Western-Arab alike. Enough big talk, I am a Saudi man (I can hear some one screaming “women oppressor” but let’s leave stereotyping at the door) I have lived in Canada for sometime and the life style of young Arab in the west isn’t news to me. I sympathize with you, the things u fight against are terrifying, may God guide us all to the righteous way. (sympathize; not feeling sorry as you can handle it with God help)
This is too old
The base point in your talk Mona is the conflict around the lifestyle sought for you by your elders and the one you think is correct, given your western culture. I wouldn’t want to be brought up in such a conflict, but here we are, people need to live. Things they think is correct Vs things you think are…. what is the solution … a free zone … some principles all would have to agree with … principles that are culture neutral,only if we knew how to apply them ….. that is religion ….. trust me, ISLAM is not equal to Arabic culture and vice-versa if you look at western Muslims who live by Islam with no Arabic culture impurities they are most likely living a happy proud life ….. Put Islam in your elders faces and you won’t loose, keep in mind that I am not referring to Saudi-Islam nor Palestinian-Islam and no other cultural attached Islam …. I am referring to the pure, cultural neutral, good for all times and lifestyles Islam …. this will work …. just try it, I can hear you say “yeah right, it’s easy to say it for a person like you” but let’s look at it from another point of view, it’s not easy already for you to live the double life you are living, why not trying another not easy but less harder way
(may sound gibberish to you, it does so to me when I read it back 
but think about it )
God bliss you Mona ….. keep powerful
(woosh that was long, a record for me 
)
Thanks Mona for a great post.
For God’s sake ! I am a 27 year old Arab living in the US and I do live a double life. In my family’s view, I have a different image. However, outside, I am who I really want to be. Free, open minded to all the possibilities, and just myself.
Its just that way it is
Hi Mona,
I love your site. Almost everything you say is true. There are not many Arabs where I live. One would think it is a good thing, but it is not! I am an alien amongst the few that live here. Double life, double faced, double moral, double everything. It’s sickening.
Btw, since I am a programmer like you, I know you have a bit pride in your work. Fix the ‘Contact me’-form!
The contact me form screwed up cause i upgraded the plugin. Give me few minutes.
It should work now.
Ahmad I love how you are trying to make sound like she is taking side with the “westerners”….LOL I live as that, and I, will admit to you about living this double life. And that is exactly what I have called it in the past. You could like to believe it doesn’t happen, but truth is, ahmad, that it has happened with almost 80% of my friends.
Hey all..
Im not gonna take sides or anything..
I will share personal experience though. I was brought up in a middle eastern country. In an american school. So… american school in a middle eastern country.. With compounds, american friends double morals double life. It worked great for a while.. Then i travelled. To Canada. And the double life disappeared. Became a single life with single standards that were just ME. Party animal, do my work then have as much fun as i coulf. I moved alone for college. I got used to it quickly since it wasnt any different than what i was used to in the american part of town i lived in before.. However, after a few years, i realised how much i missed the Arab life. The cleanliness of it all.. The rules, respect to elders and so on.. There are a lot of things wring with Arab culture. But there are also a lot of things that are great. Family love. Care for one another. Unconditional help for no thought of reimbursement. Western culture is more effecient. More free. More fun. More do whatever you want. But if you want to live a truelly effective life. (as opposed to fun, effecient, do and get everything you want) Something with principles you could look back on in 10 years and that would leave a legacy.. then I think arab culture is great for that. A mix of both is ideal. Western thought, quickness, freedom but with Arab principles. Im not against dating. But you should chose your dates as ones you have possible of having a future with. Im not against partying, but you should party with people only after you know them well enough to trust them with your self. Its all about living free AND right. And thx 4 the listen.
@Amoor – thanks for your opinion and insight in to the matter. You do have some great advice for people who think that living a double life is the only way. I think there is a limit to everything, and you need to be careful and more carefree as well.