I wanted to clean out my purse and get another one cause I was bored with the one I have. So I cleaned my old wallet also and removed any old receipts that I did not need anymore. As I was cleaning I found a picture of him. I found it and I sat there looking at it. I didn’t have any positive or negative thoughts in my head. Thirty seconds later I just started ripping it into many tiny pieces.

I held the pieces in my hand and just threw them in the garbage. I said to my self, “all pieces of trash should go into the garbage. That’s where they belong.”

I then thought all night and had hard time sleeping and thinking about my life. I really don’t have a direction in life. Nothing to look forward to and I seem to day by day loose interest even in the smallest things. I just stopped caring.

So I found my self today just engulfing high amounts of sugar. Sugar drinks and sweets. I feel sick, but at the same time I cannot stop. I feel too tense and nervous and I need sugar so I become more loose and up beat.

I don’t know. Maybe I am just thinking too much of the past and wishing I can go back to fix it. Or on the contrary, going back and not letting any of it to even happen. Like starting all over again.

Also I remembered when I first started this blog and I had so many religious attackers constantly preaching to me that the word rebellious is sinful and I am a horrible devilish person and I am spreading the wrong meaning of Islam. (Although I never talked about religion in my blog because it is completely irrelevant to what I write. Also I am not going to write about any religious things because it is not my place to do so). Then I look today at my blog stats and wondering where all these people who are linking to my site are from. To my surprise I am getting linked from other Islamic blogs. I just find it funny. How people changed and how things have change over a year and a half.

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

I am sitting here eating yummy Hershey’s chocolate and thinking of so many weird things that happened during the day. I will begin by last night. It seems that I don’t sleep well at all lately and I needed reinforcement to get to sleep. So I finished reading a book and took sleeping pills. I haven’t done so in weeks. The reason I did this because I know I will be up till 1 or 2 am just sitting there wondering why I don’t sleep. It’s not that I am thinking of something or nervous about anything. So I managed to sleep around 11:30. I got up this morning still wanting to stay in bed. However I couldn’t. It takes me about 45 minutes to get ready in the morning. My hair alone is a pain and a half. So I went off to work and decided to stop at Starbucks. I needed extra bold coffee or I would seriously not have functioned at all today. That’s when the problem started. Since I stopped drinking coffee the past week, getting back to it full force makes me irritable and very nervous. It’s keeping me awake. For sure, but not a happy camper. So I went off to work and sat there working away on my Game. (Yes, I make kid’s game from scratch all by my self!)

I was at work from around 8:20am (took 15 minutes to get coffee and walk to work). So I worked away, and around lunch time we got some food and I just sat there working and listening to Friend’s (my favourite show) episode in the background. So the guys sat there playing. An hour passed. Still playing. Another hour passed. Still playing. So around 2:45 they stopped playing only cause one of the guys had to go to physiotherapy. I was like great. This happened yesterday also. I really didn’t care but at the same time I wondered if employees in other places did this. I guess when the cat’s away, the mouse will play. After a while and with my extreme lack of caring about work anymore (I got to the point where I am just winging and staying sticking around to see what will happen “next”). So I sat there for a bit more and I left around 3:30pm. I just thought, well I put in a full work day. I didn’t waste an hour for lunch since I eat at my desk and I will just leave. I am going to do this from now on as much as I can. Less rush hour traffic and I can get out and see the sunlight earlier!

So I got on the bus and for some odd reason there were many Arab guys. I had music on so I really didn’t hear or cared about what they were saying, but they were sitting there in bewilderment and excitement playing Sudoku together. So I just there watching and laughing in my head cause they were so slow. I wanted to just get it done for them. It pissed me off that they were stuck solving a row. After a few minutes a guy that looks Persian sat next to me. He was hot. Not hot in looks. No no….. He was body temperature hot. It’s like I was sitting next to a sauna. All that exothermic energy kept permeating to my right side shoulder and leg. I was like wtf. I wanted to get up but there were no other seats. I just found it strange that a person is that temperature HOT. It was awful, and it wasn’t even hot outside. It was perfect spring like temperature of 24/25c.

I couldn’t wait till there was another empty seat and HE got off all by him self and moved there. GOOD! I was like phew. I am cool again. So I got home and ate my dinner and headed to the gym. I do aerobic dance exercises daily. It is fun and I love music and what fun way to enjoy music then to dance to it? The problem is this is @!#!@$! old lady! She has short white hair and an Irish accent. She always always stands behind me. She doesn’t understand the concept of don’t get too close to other people if you already got enough room. So every time we had to make one step she took TWO and was right behind me. Like one foot space behind me. I swear, one day I will trip her or let her trip on me and make her break her damn leg so she can stop coming and stop standing BEHIND me. My sister finds it amusing and just watches and laughs.

My sister has a habit of laughing at anything she remotely finds amusing. So you can imagine how much she laughs during the class. She thinks every body is funny and acts stupid. One time even the instructor told us that we seem to enjoy our selves since we are always smiling and laughing. You know how us humans always think of what our purpose in life is? Why God created us and what will our destiny and future be like? In my sister’s case is laughing at anything!! AND embarrassing me from her constant laughter. It’s not normal smiling and hehe laughs. She laughs hysterically! The problem is, I am easily effected and I tend to laugh too. It’s a horrible domino effect and I just can’t help but laugh also. Try laughing when you are dancing the Cha Cha? :S

I got home after I bought more books from the bookstore. I just tend to read a lot before I go to bed. I like reading and keeps my mind stimulated with various thoughts and ideas. I used to hate reading and I never had time, but since I read so many blogs and I write a lot, reading suddenly became an interest and a simple past time away from the computer.

Moreover, I sat there thinking about people. How people you don’t like are friends with people you like. How can you avoid them while hanging out with your friends? I just find it hard. To me I love to be friends with everyone, but I am not a social person. I am not drawn to people and friendships that easily. I tend to avoid people. Friends to me are more of people that I met by chance. Or I have known them for years and friendship seem to have evolved. To me it is hard to be open or trust people. I did that a lot in the past and it caused me a lot of grief and regrets. I donno, but if I can just change in that aspect in my life. This tolerance of people. It’s so hard, I need to develop better people skills as you would write in your resume. By the way, when I read resumes and see that line I seriously laugh. How can you have skills with people? :lol: So silly!

Anyways, I will sleep now and leave you guys with this clip from the Simpson’s movie trailer. It is hilarious. I can’t wait for next weekend to watch it! I have been waiting for it forever! This part is hilarious!!

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post

Oh man, I always tell my self, I don’t like Pizza Hut. I really don’t.. So what the hell did I do today.. Got my self a personal pizza from PIZZA friggen HUT! It was horrible and friggen oily! I always stupidly forget that point! They spray PAM on top of it! Aaghhhh.. I wasted $3.20 on that. I feel sick and I am about to throw up. I hope the rest of the afternoon goes by quickly so I can go home.. aghhh!! So disappointed with my self.. aghhh aghhhh aghhhh!!

Ranting as usual!, Whatever!

I was watching a music show on Arabic satellite. A Lebanese singer was there in this music talk show and she was asked about plastic surgery and her views about it since she was like a mannequin sitting there. She said, “I don’t see anything wrong with perfecting our selves for the camera. However, some women over do it. One time I went to a restaurant and saw three ladies that look exactly the same. It’s like they went to the same plastic surgeon. Now that is wrong. But perfecting our selves, like fixing our nose and using Botox to fill our cheek bones and lips is ok for the camera.”

I was like what the HELL is wrong with Arab women?? Perfect what? God made us perfect! What is perfection? Who judges that? Us or someone else who will be looking at us like we are a piece of fine cut of meat.

God!! When will it all end? The corruption that has bestowed the minds of women. This word. This awful word called “perfection!”

Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!

A girl this morning asked me by email about living a double life in an Arabic culture. The cause and reasoning of why this thing is quite common within Arab societies. Especially for us that live here in the western world. I will explain my point of view. Living a double life in a very conservative culture is like trying to mimic the movie Catch Me if You Can. In this case we are trying so hard to do things that are wrong, perfecting what is wrong, and escaping the end result for years and years. On the down side, many of us get caught. The reason why we live a double life is because many of us are tired of living this closed minded conservative life that is controlled by our elders. They do not understand why we are “rebelling” and are always angry. We cannot confront them with the truth of our actions and the life we want to live. To them it is not acceptable in any way. They cannot fathom the idea for us to be more liberated and free thinking individuals because to them it is not the “Arabic” way of living. The close family ties within the Arabic culture is the reason for this problem. In the Arab world a family is very close and your business is everyone else’s business. Even the neighbors know your life.

So our generation, mostly generation X and Y are more subject to world globalization. Where access to various cultures is only a click away by either TV or the world wide web. This caused us to be very aware and open to our surroundings. Some of us know that our very conservative culture does not allow us to do 1% of the things that are going around in the western world. However, we seem to want to experience life and are easily effected by our surroundings. From the schools we went to, to the Universities/Colleges and work. We we forced to adapt because this is what this culture has made us do. Try to explain that to our elders. You cannot. They don’t understand why we have to adapt and change in order to be like others to be accepted. It is completely absurd and to them we are becoming corrupted.

I know quite a few Arabs here that have taken their children or young adolescent sons/daughters back to the Arab world to make sure they are not effected by the westernized way of thinking. Some unfortunately had to return back because it seems that the Arab world in various countries has changed as well and maybe worse than here. It has become part of this global village. It is not really ethics or morals that our generation is lacking. On the contrary, we are just more open to life and want to live in an open minded society where our actions are not questioned.

Unfortunetly, we are not able to convince our elders with such a change in mentality. So we resort to living this double life. We live almost another life because of them. The problem with this other life that we try so hard to not get caught. It becomes second nature and we know “all the ways” to not get caught. We even avoid other people our age group that have parents that are friends or even know our parents. Gossip is another life’s hard fact that we have to face. Since Arab culture is so conservative and everyone knows everyone else, trying to avoid such situations is quite cumbersome.

I remember one time when this one girl saw me with my EX and I tried so hard to run away before she saw us together. She saw us though but I guess keeping her mouth shut and realizing that she is not any better was best at that situation. There are also the parties and gatherings and “wrong” things we have done in our lives that is merely a small adventure to us, but a crime in our elder’s eyes.

According to our culture, we have committed so many sinful and unspeakable actions. What can we do? Who are we to satisfy? Our selves or our culture?

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Updated @ 5:43 PM: From the comments you can see that there are many closed minded Arabs who just love to make assumptions of others. He also kept posting comments and calling me a young slut and he wants me to continue discussing things with him. People just love to argue at other people’s sites because they don’t have a life. I feel sorry for their backwards mentality and their closed minded thoughts.�

Featured, Random Thoughts, They said what?