Ok, I am tired of people posting stupid comments on my article about Ashamed to be an Arab. It is seriously pathetic and I am tired of people preaching and posting or emailing me very stupid comments saying that my mind is westernized and the western world has corrupted my thinking. So here is my proof that the eastern world is not innocent.

I installed a new statistics tracker in my blog that logs all search keys, ip address, anything about my visitors. I wanted a close eye and to see what people really search for to get to my site. This wasn’t a surprise but it was quite interesting. In the past day I got these results:

Top search terms	Visits	%
arab girl	127	11.4%	11.4%
arab sex	75	6.7%	6.7%
arab girls	75	6.7%	6.7%
arab sex blog	51	4.6%	4.6%
arabic girl	44	4%	4%
arabic sex	41	3.7%	3.7%
tan lines	22	2%	2%
naked arab girls	13	1.2%	1.2%
free arab sex	12	1.1%	1.1%
rebellious	10	0.9%	0.9%
asala	9	0.8%	0.8%
asala nasri	8	0.7%	0.7%
arab girl	7	0.6%	0.6%
arabic girls pics	7	0.6%	0.6%
arab boobs	6	0.5%	0.5%
eng_sasa	6	0.5%	0.5%
shirine misuc arab	5	0.4%	0.4%
arabgirl	5	0.4%	0.4%
arabic sex girl	5	0.4%	0.4%
free arab sex blog	5	0.4%	0.4%

The last search terms maybe in the past 3 hours or so is this:

July 8, 2007	17:41:37	arab girls naked	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	17:31:58	pictures of buti of arab girls	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	17:31:32	pictures of buti of arab girls	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	17:29:50	arab girl	MSN	page viewed
July 8, 2007	17:27:32	sex arab	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	17:27:32	arab bad girl	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	17:25:22	‘arab sex’	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	17:25:23	arab girl	MSN	page viewed
July 8, 2007	17:18:20	I like you in an indirect way.	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	17:06:51	arab girl	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	17:03:14	arab sex blog	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	17:03:11	rebel girl 62	Yahoo	page viewed
July 8, 2007	16:29:41	arab girl	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	16:28:28	arab girls	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	16:21:28	arab girls mobile number	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	16:20:52	how to give a girl a frigg	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	16:18:18	arabic sex	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	16:17:26	hot girls Areb	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	16:16:44	hot girls Areb	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	16:15:41	arabic sexy talk	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	16:15:30	arabic sexy talk	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	16:15:24	arabic sexy talk	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	16:15:20	arabic sexy talk	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	16:13:25	arab lady ass	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	16:03:47	arab sex	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	16:01:41	arab girl	Ask	page viewed
July 8, 2007	15:47:39	Girl games	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	15:46:55	girls arab sex	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	15:44:31	tan lines	Search	page viewed
July 8, 2007	15:36:46	extravagant arabic dinners	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	15:26:33	arab girls thumbs	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	15:17:09	arabic girl	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	15:12:38	arabic girls ladies	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	15:07:16	man boobs	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	14:59:10	arab sex	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	14:50:41	arabic girl sex	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	14:48:55	arab sex blog	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	14:45:52	arab?c mom	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	14:41:57	arabic girls	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	14:33:20	shirine + new arabic song	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	14:30:07	arab sex	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	14:16:06	can some people not tan?	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	14:14:55	big arabs boobs	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	14:05:56	girls with tan lines showing white butt	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	13:53:45	hot arab girl blogs	Yahoo	page viewed
July 8, 2007	13:50:03	how to get tan line	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	13:46:46	ARABIC GIRL	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	13:34:01	fuck with arab hijab girls	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	13:21:55	arab girl	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	13:00:24	bad arabic girls	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	12:57:46	arabic gulf sluts	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	12:53:19	asala nasri	Yahoo	page viewed
July 8, 2007	12:28:20	fear of being alone	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	12:19:24	//free arab sex	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	12:18:16	arab bootys	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	12:18:03	//free arab sex	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	11:51:28	blog naked arabs guys	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	11:39:03	arab girls for married	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	11:31:41	arabic girl	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	11:22:06	arab sex	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	11:09:58	arabis sex	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	11:09:42	thought on being alone	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	11:09:29	arab girl	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	10:59:40	arab girl picture	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	10:58:57	arab girl picture	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	10:57:38	assala nasri	MSN	page viewed
July 8, 2007	10:51:46	fear of being dumped	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	10:47:59	arab girl	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	10:47:46	assala nasri	MSN	page viewed
July 8, 2007	10:47:40	assala nasri	MSN	page viewed
July 8, 2007	10:18:44	why it is good being alone	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	10:01:00	the arab girl	MSN	page viewed
July 8, 2007	09:58:31	the arab girl	MSN	page viewed
July 8, 2007	09:56:08	arab girls	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	09:55:57	“how to be a good friend”	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	09:55:26	ramy 3ayash	MSN	page viewed
July 8, 2007	09:35:19	tan lines	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	09:15:17	my tan lines	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	09:14:22	arabs running away gif	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	09:12:18	Western Australia Gold Diggers Find	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	09:10:50	arablounge	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	09:10:19	arablounge	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	09:09:59	arab sex	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	08:47:18	arab sex	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	08:26:57	dvd for arab	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	08:04:51	Arabic girl	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	07:41:15	free arabian sex	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	07:34:05	mansaf	Yahoo	page viewed
July 8, 2007	07:33:55	mansaf	Yahoo	page viewed
July 8, 2007	07:32:01	amr diab clip all	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	07:01:46	ARAB SEX NET	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	06:38:59	arab sex	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	06:35:56	tan lines	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	06:17:46	girl with tan lines	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	06:08:25	arab sex	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	05:44:24	arabic+site+sex	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	05:41:55	GOLD DIGGER	Search	page viewed
July 8, 2007	05:34:38	arabic girl	Google	page viewed
July 8, 2007	05:20:13	arab sex	Google	page viewed

I think we can see a pattern here. I will not post IP addresses of where these people are from. All I can say that the majority of these search terms are based from the middle east. I would say mostly gulf areas, Lebanon, KSA, and northern Africa. I get random European ones too. So all I can say is that you guys who come to my site “accidentally” as you always complain need to stop this Arabiasim and patriotism and preaching morals because you absolutely have none of it!

Angry, They said what?, Whatever!

Imagine this, you are sitting in a room talking with a group of people and there is a deep conversation happening. You are in the midst of talking and arguing and discussing a certain subject, and then you realize, everyone argues for no reason and in the end they all come to one conclusion. Why is that the case?

I am here thinking about this because it happened to me far too many times. The arguments, the lashing out, and the mass hysteria that only ends to one conclusion. So why all the arguing and thoughts thrown all over the place? So I thought about it some more, the reason people argue and want to prove their point or share their ideas just to be part of the group environment. To be heard. So I thought about political groups. For example democracy, everyone has a voice. Most people want to argue and prove their point, and in the end, one decision seems to be made. The long arguments and negotiations were just a form of free speech. Nothing more, nothing less.

So I thought about it some more. In Arabic culture, especially the Arab world, speaking out is not an option. Arguing back is not an option. No matter what you say, no one listens. Not only in politics but also in a house hold. In a family. Maybe your family. All the same. So in the end, if you talk or not, the conclusion is all the same.

For some, it’s best to save your breath and just not talk.

However, I can’t live by that. I don’t talk much but I seem to just lash out and get angry really quickly when I hear something I don’t like. I think my reasonings are very different and I am one of those that will not accept a conclusion or a final answer. I don’t need a group of people to decide or end up making a stupid collective decision that is safe. Why not take a risk? That’s the problem with the world today. A lot of things are moving fast yet the mentality and the change of one self is still so slow. The problem is how to take that risk and try something new. When people say, “oh you don’t like change” or “you will never change” is complete BS. How can a person not change? We all change. You think I am the same as I was 5 years ago, or even 10 years ago? I don’t think so. The change is not extreme or sudden. That’s the problem. That sudden change, how can we suddenly change and try to make things different? How can you convince others to change and not just spit out ideas to exercise their freedom of speech or just be part of a conversation?

The problem with people in the world is all talk, no action. When will it change? More importantly, when will I change to the better?

I am in love with this song because I love the first sentence.

So this is who I am,
And this is all I know,
And I must choose to live,
For all that I can give,
The spark that makes the power grow

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post

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As human beings, we are curious to know things about other people. It is just curiosity, nothing more. For me, a lot more people than I expected read my thoughts. They don’t use it against me in any way. I hope they don’t and never will. I think my site is more like a little secret between me and others. For them to read, and maybe when I feel like talking, for them to just listen to a better truth. Or even ask. I don’t mind. However, they realize the difference in my true personality and what I write and question it or compare it. It scares me. Sometimes I forget what I am writing and why I am writing it. At times I feel so self conscious and I feel that I am writing for a certain audience, and I don’t want to. I don’t know half the time what I am writing. A lot of times I forget and I have to read what I wrote again when people comment. I forget my thoughts and reasons that I wrote such things. I look back at certain posts and see the majority of comments are on certain critical posts. Posts when I was angry and unhappy and my thoughts were all over the place.

Now, I am very calm and I am checking my site and seeing what I have missed and who said what and why. I learned to just let it all out. Tell my story. My side of the story that people I know in person don’t want to listen to.

I have also been getting so many non-Arabs commenting telling me that they are not attracted to my site because I am Arab. On the contrary, they like my site and are daily readers because someone else out there is not afraid to speak out. I am not afraid. However, I am terrified of the things I unconsciously say. I look back and realize that I was seriously drugged or something when I wrote many of my posts. Also, I got lovely sweet comments to my email of Arab females happy with what I wrote because I was in a way representing a stronger voice for Arab girls. For once, I was proud to be an Arab and I have contributed something so small but means something bigger to someone else.

So a lot ask me about my mood and my thoughts when I am writing.

I write when I listen to music. Very soft romantic tunes or ambient music. I am very picky with music and I listen carefully to the lyrics of the songs. I imagine my self in those 4 or 5 minutes and try to live a short tale. Try to relate it to my life and start writing. I think it is a trick or a way for me to write with more feeling and more honesty.

This is what I am listening to now. Probably one of the best songs I have ever heard..

I have read many blogs out there, and I am not impressed or I just cannot relate to many. However, there are a couple of blogs out there that I am religiously reading daily, and one of them has stopped writing. She is suffering from the inside as I read it twice and thrice times. Her last post filled with pain and if a person really reads between the lines then they will feel the pain and suffering that she endures. I feel sometimes when I read blogs full with emotions and sadness that I want to truly help. I just don’t know how. I keep thinking that if I can help then, than somehow I can help my self. So the last time she posted was June 21st. The approved comments have stopped too. So I just wonder about the pain that she endures and I am waiting for the second part of the story. It’s like I am waiting for a positive ending. I want others to end their pain so I don’t have to feel any more pain. So I don’t have to read sadness anymore. I just hoped that the happiness in others will bring out my happiness and hope that there is a solution to my sadness in other’s writings.

I am just a person writing down thoughts. Please just read.. then listen.

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post

I have been asked a couple of days ago of why I am always angry. To be honest, I think I am angry with my self. I see things around me, life around me, people around me, and I just feel an inner remorse and sadness. I keep envying the people around me. I keep feeling that people are climbing up to new heights and life is treating them better. I just look back at my self 10 years ago. I had such a strong personality and drive. I had many ambitions and great expectations of my self. I felt that I would be able to accomplish my dream. To accomplish something that would make me happy and proud of my self. My achievements. All my hopes and dreams vanished suddenly and I let it tear me apart. I felt two years ago that I can take charge of my life again. I felt like I can bandage all the mistakes and begin again. However, the bandage wouldn’t stay. It wasn’t life proof.

As days passed, and as months passed I felt like I am running towards a dream I had long ago. It was a childhood dream to put it in better terms. I grew. I faced life too quickly. That caused me great grief. I suffered from depression and at times I forgot how to smile. I didn’t know how to, and it was painful to do so. I felt the muscles in my mouth were in pain when I did so. I tried to take comfort in people. I tried to allow others into my life and into my heart to help me.

However, there was a major fa�ade (face) that I learned to use. It was more of a frontal barrier; my defense mechanism. I don’t know how else to describe it. I just learned to keep a straight fake face that made it seem that I was content and happy. However, I just kept everything hidden inside to a point where the depression became overwhelming.

So you ask why I did not consult with anyone for help? I did. I tried to find mentors and psychologists to help me. Many of them just offered substances or wanted a large sum of money to cure me and get me out of the black hole I put my self into. The days passed and I felt like I was confronting my own pain and talking to complete strangers about it. I felt that those who are close to me did not want to listen. They did not want to help me. Yet, a stranger would listen for a price. I didn’t understand why people resorted to such methods. I felt like I was just talking to my self in an empty room where I can hear the echo back to my head. I just had to stop.

I felt like I was insane. I was slowly admitting that I had a problem and I was resorting to a medical treatment. After a while I stopped. I had to stop and face reality. I put my self into this mess, I was not able to control my emotions and let it take over me.

My problem started when I was 17. That’s when I realized that I was weak. It was my first attempt to suicide. I had little faith in my self. I was lucky that my body rejected a bottle of pills. It did. It’s funny when you put your self at the edge of life and death. The dizziness and the black image in front of you is not really scary. It is not comforting. It it also not welcoming. It is not happy either. It is gloomy and sad. I felt at those moments that I had to resist and get back my sanity. I lost it for a few minutes. But for some odd reason I had that little hope. That little bright light to just get back. To come back and continue.

From that moment I brought my self back to reality. However, reality kept slapping me in the face and I just kept hiding. I was avoiding it. I was telling it to just go away and leave me alone. I wanted to just shield my self. I wanted to keep a barrier between me and everyone else in the world. I don’t know why I did that. I was just afraid of people to know the real me. I wanted to keep a positive image. A fake image that will cope with her surroundings. That’s what I was doing. That was my attempt. However, it was not a great solution. It wasn’t a solution at all.

However, that didn’t last. I didn’t know how to control it. I didn’t know how to control my self and I kept getting angry. I did not know how to control my emotions and anger. I became defensive. The barrier I put was breached, and I resorted to a very weak way to deal with the pain.

As the years passed, my anger became increasingly noticeable. In reality, it was unbearable.

Anger is not a solution. It never was, and it was the only thing I knew how to use.

After months and years, I wanted to be loved. For someone to just love me for who I am. To just accept me and make me feel that I might be an important person. I guess for those who have been keeping up with my blog, you can see the hidden message. One sided love does not work out. It never will, and convincing my self to do so will only cause me continuous pain and suffering. If you want to remember you can read the story here.

Days passed, months passed, and what do I see; my life back to square one. I feel like I am 17 again but this time, I feel like life swept before my eyes and I am just sitting here laughing about it. I won’t deny the help I seeked, that people I tried to consult. The friends that I tried to maintain. I wasn’t stable. I wasn’t happy. I was just going along with the moment to momentarily satisfy me. I tried everything to keep the pain away. I tried smoking but it seems I am allergic to smoke in my mouth! I tried drinking, but consciously I couldn’t and I just spitted it out. I tried over the counter pain killers, and after a while I just became immune to it and didn’t do anything to me. I remember one time when I didn’t sleep all night and I had to go to school and I decided to see how good nysquil is. So I drank the whole bottle and as I was getting off the bus, about 30 minutes after drinking it, I tried to get off the bus and I fell off from the bus. It was hilarious. I had to grab people to keep my self up. It was ridiculous. I just went to get coffee to wake my self up. It took a few hours but I never did that again.

I did many stupid things, but one day I just stopped. I just told my self that I had enough. Nothing was helping me and I just have to live day by day. No plans, no direction, no outlook to the future. Just live the moment and that way I won’t have to worry so much. I just need to live one moment at a time.

Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post