It has been a year..

It’s been a year since I saw him. A year of misery I had to endure and a year where I had to fight all temptation and live through agony and hate of my life. I have been thinking about this for the past week or so, of how my life has been and how much it has changed over the past year. I was having a conversation with my friend about this and she was asking me, “will you ever go back to him since he seem to still care in his own way?” I knew if I said yes that maybe she had hope for her love to get back to her. It was her way to give her self some hope of her future through my actions. I told her simply without hesitation, “when the glass has been broken and shattered to many pieces, how can you put it back together? With what glue and where to start?”

I wanted to sound as cold and careless about this subject matter as much as I can. Last time he emailed me saying, “lots of people brake up, so what?” In my head I thought, “why was he still bothering to contact me then and arguing back. Why was he still constantly checking this blog and trying to see what’s up with my life?”

Maybe he is hoping that I have moved on and found someone else and maybe he can go on with his life. I don’t know what is going in his head, I never knew what was going on really, and I was never able to understand such a person. Also, I wasn’t anything special. I know I am nothing special. I am just like any other Arab girl. I have noting unique about me or anything. Maybe I am being too harsh about my self. I know I am a unique person. I did change a lot and I know that I have.

I have become stronger as a person, however too emotional. I cannot stand anything or even hearing stories about relationships and love. I don’t even like romance movies anyways, I only watch action and suspense. I don’t even like going to weddings or engagement parties. I feel jealous and hateful towards other people’s love that I feel like crying during the ceremony and at times I do. I keep telling my self, why did theirs work out and I couldn’t maintain mine. I just find it hard to understand. I always think what if we are meant to be with one person in this life, and that’s it. What if you only fall in love once and that’s it?

These thoughts always puzzle me. I tried many times to talk to different people, to move on and meet others. I just cannot force my self to have more than one conversation with that person. I loose interest so quickly and I just ignore. Maybe deep down inside my head I don’t want to meet anyone. I don’t want to fall in love because of the fear of falling in love again. The emotional turmoil and sadness I would have to endure all over again.

I know this is not a positive way of thinking about this. However, what am I supposed to do. Things have changed the past year in my head. My perception of life and love and love and life has changed completely. It got to the point where I hate it and I am disgusted by it. By the way life is. I just can’t stand how much a person sacrifices for the person they love, and they are not appreciated and not loved back. It is just sad.

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post