My dearest,

For several months now, I have contemplated whether to write you this letter. As days passed, all I could think of is the time I longed to be with you. To be within your arms smiling at your moonlit face and wondering how long this will last. How long I have to wait for the day when I will be with you forever. I kept waiting, days passed, years passed, and nothing.

I remembered that love is forbidden in our lives. To love is but a sin committed by two souls. To love someone is to deeply devote your soul to something that cannot be seen or touched. This I cannot endure. As my heart cannot fathom to betray my roots. To betray my self. To betray my mere existence. However, as weak as I am, I am only but human. The sins committed by out heart’s desire we cannot stop. It couldn’t stop, it wouldn’t stop, and doesn’t want to stop.

Time has passed, and the heart played the role of controlling our lives. Some of us like I mentioned are weak. We are weak. I am weak. I know you were not able to feel what I have felt. You were not able to endure the agony that my heart desired. You could not understand what love is. Maybe I didn’t either. Maybe none of us do.

What is love you may ask me? I do not know. It is nothing that can be touched or seen, but only a sin that we are living. I tried to remove such feelings from my heart’s desire, but what can I do? I am only human.

Life passed before my eyes. What am I to do? Who am I to turn to now? I live a life torn between two worlds. Life that I cannot fathom to speak of, and life that I can only dream of. I tried with all my heart’s desire to forget you. To love no more. What is love? Really? Was I that foolish to believe and put faith in something that cannot be touched or seen? To put all my faith in something that tears my heart in two? Why am I foolish? Was the sin committed that horrible that made me so blind to see the truth. The truth that we are merely puppets to this invisible feeling. This feeling that controls us to the point where life of insanity is better than life lead by love?

Why should I still love you? Why should you still love me? What has love done to us? It has just torn us apart.

It made us miserable human beings. It is better if we never love at all. It is better if we didn’t have to let our hearts lead the way because it is blind. It cannot see what we see. It cannot tell what is right and what is wrong. Feelings cannot control us and tell us where to go. It can only take us to a direction that thinks will lead to a result. A path that leads to harmony and bliss. How can something so blind tell the way?

I am sorry my dearest that our hearts grew apart. Our life was blind and lead by blindness. Forgive me not of what I have said, but only think of the truth behind our hearts. If there is any truth, let it lead the way, and not let any blindness and melancholy trap us to a never ending trail of agony. Let us be free of this life controlled by blindness. Let us see what we can touch. Let us feel what we see. Just let the truth guide us and let’s be free of each other. Forever is better than never.

Good by my love. I was cured from my blindness that you have never endured. Sorry I was weak, and you were cruel.

- Mona

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I need the following things:

1. I need a vacation
2. I need a new jacket
3. I need a few sweaters for winter
4. I need new friends
5. I need a new job
6. I need new pillows
7. I need more books
8. I need new shoes
9. I need fudge
10. I need a new guy
11. I need more money
12. I need a new blog
13. I need order to my life!

I am just so needy now..

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I guess the lack of sleep killed my brain cells.. It’s like being a drunk.. not that I have ever been one or ever plan to. However, my lack of sleep has lead me to go off to school and do my assignment.. I had to brake my fast because I was dead. I didn’t eat. I just drank a very large energy drink to keep my brain active. I was suffering mentality from no sleep. I sat in the lab for hours and I got most of it done.. Then the prof emails around noon and says the assignment has been postponed till Monday without penalty. I read the email and I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh from joy or cry from shock!

The assignment is not what kept me up. I could have slept or just completely ignored the assignment and took a 10% penalty like I always do.. Big deal! I just couldn’t sleep or think about sleep. I was fully awake but couldn’t sleep. I felt so sick and tired of life that nothing I was doing was good enough. I was not depressed.. I was just disgusted with my self.

So I was fully awake and I emailed my boss at 3:30 am and told him I am not coming. I didn’t have a reason other than I am still fully awake and it is 3:30 am! The problem is I couldn’t go to sleep and I left the house anyways around 7 am.

I then talk to my co-worker through msn and he told me he was the only one there at work.. No one was there. I then thought to my self.. wow.. I guess it is in the air.. no one wanted to work today…

I then got home, and I just sunk into bed.. I was dead tired.. as I put my head on the pillow, I felt the blood surge in my head.. my legs and hands were so numb.. I just kept telling my self, please I want to sleep.. Just an hour please you stupid brain.. go unconscious for an hour!!

I woke up 2 hours later by my sister.. She said, “wake up.. time to eat breakfast!” Breakfast? Did she mean sohour!! What day was it? I looked outside and it was still light out.. and I looked at the clock and it was 7. I thought, seven in the morning..?? Why we eating now!! We can’t.. then she looked at me and said, “wake up now!! Mom made my favourite mushroom soup!” I then thought wow.. good it has only been 2 hours but I was fully awake and extremely happy and I thought I slept an entire day! Those two hours I felt rejuvenated, happy, and extremely hyper that as we were eating I kept saying, “thanks mommy!! This is good food!”

My mom and dad saw my unusual behaviour and kept questioning.. “Is something wrong with you? Why you come home and sleep.. you never do that.. you are always fully awake.. Are you ok? Did someone hurt your feelings or someone said anything to you.” I thought to my self, “hmm… yes.. so many people in the past hurt my feeling and I wish someone can do the deed of murdering them for me.. but opening Pandora’s box to my parents would cause me to get in trouble which I didn’t want to deal with at my current state and age.. maybe in 30 years………….. Well, then I said out loud, “wow wow.. wallah nothing.. holy crap!! I was just tired!! you people are always sleeping half the day.. why did it bother you that I did!” They said, “but your little MunMun!” I got mad and said, ” I am not little.. but I am MunMun! :mrgreen: ”

Now I feel like chocolate!! :oops:

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I am still fucken awake and it is 3:30 am. I am so sick of my life… I had a huge migraine all day, and now I can’t sleep worth a damn.. fine.. I give up on sleep.. I give up on everything.. I am sick of everything! And I will not go back to sleeping pills!! I am sick of drugs!

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This morning before going to work my mom and I were talking and she then mentioned money and work. She asked me this…

“when are you going to be a millionaire?”

I replied and said,

“why do I want to be a millionaire? I am happy and I get paid well.. for now..”

She said,

“But you are smart and capable of many things, you should get another job or think of something to be a millionaire..”

I laughed and said,

“Why do I want to be a millionaire.. what am I going to do with all that money anyways.. I am happy the way I am.. God wants it this way…”

She said,

“With more money you can have a better life, and travel.. and everything..”

I told her,

“I can travel now.. I have money and everything.. I have been saving for 5 years, but I don’t want to go anywhere..”

She then said,

“Just try to be a millionaire.. and that’s it.”

I then told her,

“Fine mama.. for you.. I will try.. “

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My head is purely killing me at the moment. I am at work and I cannot think worth a damn. When my head hurts I feel like I lost all brain power. I can’t brake my fast cause of it.. I wish I can just go home and sleep, but I am stuck from now for another two or three months working on a new game in Flash and I cannot take time out! I am going to seriously suffer from my migraines.

At this point I am just hoping inshallah for Ramadan to finish soon cause I cannot concentrate or do anything. I have been so behind in everything I do that it sucks. The lack of sleep is killing me. I don’t sleep much and it is hurting me physically and mentality. I even go outside and I freeze from 15 degree Celsius while everyone else is wearing t-shirts and capris. Maybe I am just a cold blooded person who was born in the desert!

On another note, I saw a girl this morning on the bus with a very tight t-shirt that was very revealing. She had two tattoos on her chest of wings very close to her breasts that made me wonder, “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH WOMEN THESE DAYS!” I looked in disgust and said, “this new generation is seriously going to corrupt our world in 20 years!” Meh!

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One thing I hate about my self is my horrible sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night because I have very strange dreams that sleeping is out of the question. I don’t know what is wrong with me. The dreams are sometimes extremely accurate and sad, and other times is complete nonsense. This caused my sleep to deplete by 1/2 of it’s required time. Most of the time I only sleep for 5 or 6 hours. So you can imagine my zombieness with only 2 or 3 hours.

So you may ask what is wrong with me and why I am like this? I have no clue.. but I do have a fear of sleeping because of dreams. I used to have nightmares constantly growing up. It became worse as I grew older. Sometimes I don’t believe it, and at times I can’t believe how real they are. The past 4 or 5 years my dreams have been a future telling of events. Real events of my life.

I had two horrible dreams in my life. One dream I remember with complete accuracy from six years ago. I dreamt that my teeth are falling and I just watched it fall and did nothing about it. I then looked at them and there were 4 of them. It was a bad omen and cause of that dream, I had 4 years of awful luck and life that I became utterly depressed and even suicidal at times.

My other dream, I can’t remember it for the life of me. However, I woke up in shock, my heart was beating real fast, and I couldn’t breath.  I spent 15 minutes trying to regain my breath first and to normalize my heart beats. What did I dream? No clue. Maybe it is better that way, however, it is what I fear most of my life. Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to breath. Or not waking up in time to catch my breath.

We all know that dreams are temporary death of our bodies. However, this unconsciousness scares me. You can say I have a phobia from sleeping, although I love sleep. It rejuvinates my brain, my stress of life, but to be scared to go to bed? Only I would suffer from such things!

So last night, awake fully at 3 am. It was like I planned to wake up at that time or something. So I looked at my alarm clock and just tried to close my eyes. Nothing. I sat on the computer for a bit and thought maybe that my eyes are trying too hard to read the text that it will become droopy and lazy again and want sleep. Nop. I was fully awake.

I sat back to sleep then my mom came in my room at 5 am to tell me to eat sohour (breakfast). I washed my face first than went to eat a cheese sandwich. I hoped to go back to sleep for an hour, but nothing. So I sat playing games on the internet for an hour. Went to bed at 6 am. I felt dizzy and tired, and bam. I fell asleep, yet my brain was too active to sleep so I woke up in shock and it was only 6:30 am. So I got up and fell on the floor because my head was hurting too much. I got up and told my self, “no, not today. I have so much work and little time to accomplish it!!”

I got to work very stressed out, but was too angry and headachy that I wanted to do something productive. I wanted to keep my brain active or I would have seriously passed out. I wish I was able to drink coffee.. but no can do. No can do.

Aah, so I spent the rest of the day like this. Trying to keep my self awake and joking around and talking. It was the only way.

I wish I can just sleep tonight and just spend tomorrow doing my other work. Aaakh.. I want sleep so bad.

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I got tired of numbers and having to explicitly display the remaining days of Ramadan. We got the point, right? Someone should have mentioned that earlier and stopped my boringness. Is boringness a real world? the dictionary picked it up as correctly spelled.. wtf… I need to brush up on my vocabulary.. I am becoming rusty! Anyways, so what did I do today? Well, I have been awake since 5 am contemplating if I should go back to sleep, but I decided to take a shower and watch TV instead. Yaay, great morning.. :neutral: As I left the house, the temperature was brutally hot. It was almost 30 degrees high today. That’s hot for end of September. What’s up with the weather? Summer has to say bye bye soon. It has been fall for like 3 or 4 days already. I miss wearing a jacket! It hides a lot of unwanted things! :mrgreen:

As I was walking, the clouds decided to drop a few of their watery friends on top of my head. I screamed and ran for cover before the bus came. I was so mad. One thing I don’t like in life is rain! I rather have snow and a lot of it then wet rain. It is just dark and gloomy with such weather.

I got to work and I caught up with life. I noticed I have lots of homework, lots of actual work and lots of real life work. Did I say real life work? I guess I am loosing it. What’s my life? I don’t have one. I limited it by books and work. My brain is constantly stimulated by new information. It’s great. I love it. I feel that my brain is growing in knowledge which I love.

So the server at work was down, I blame the head poncho with that problem. So I really could not do anything productive, so I spent it reading up on my projects and trying to write things out and make sure I am on the right track. After the lunch brake which I spent it watching a co-worker play a game on Facebook on his laptop. Yes, Facebook applications have live card games! Go figure. I rather just keep using something so static as Zombie application and bite people. It’s more fun! haha.. :P

The boss man came back after the brake and we decided to play for a bit some UT. I was like what the hell, I already lost any motivation to do any work, so virtually killing my co-workers is a cherry on top of a great big fat fudgy day! I guess time swept really fast and we played all afternoon. As we were playing, we kept insulting each other and making fun of each other. I guess game play really helps put out the anger towards your co-workers as you scream at them for killing you! “Damn it!! Why the @#!@# you killed me you stupid !@#! head!” Not in those exact words, but you see my point.

Moreover, what I noticed about some co-workers is too much knowledge they have about me. I know my biggest mistake thus far is telling people about my blog. I didn’t mind in the beginning, but I guess I did it because I had a kick ass site that looks awesome and I wanted to share it with people I know. I didn’t tell just anyone, only selected few people I trusted. Well, I threatened them as I told them about it, but who has proof I sent out threats with my blog link? So what amazes me that how some people know me too well cause of my blog and say somethings from my blog about me. It’s like they psychologically notice my behaviour and analyze it from my blog. It is spooky, and they know I am a bit nutty. I wonder if they read it daily? Hmm. I don’t care.. It’s all good to me and it is public.

As we were playing, my boss told us that we have to switch gears and work on a bunch of flash games for kids. I was like finally. However, one idiot that works with me said, “I guess we have to hire a new person to do flash design and art!” I heard that I was about to murder him! My boss said, “no, Mona is doing it and you guys will have to assist in various ways throughout the design and implementation.” The idiot said, “well we don’t have any creativity, so we can’t help.” My boss said, “it’s ok, Mona will do that and I will figure out other stuff you guys can do too with the game.”

God I hate that guy.. didn’t I mention that before? How fucken useless he is and all he does it whines about work like someone is given him so much work that he spends 12 hours a day on it! What an idiot! Did I mention that already?? A MILLION TIMES! God, just thinking about it makes me cringe with disgust. I was happy when he was away yesterday and last Friday.. He had to come back today and enchant us with his sarcasm and bull-shit!

Anyways, I can now do something more exciting and make fun cute games for kids! (God is finally reading my blog! No really!!?? lool) Heheh.. I can’t wait. I guess someone or some organization is donating money towards this game and I guess I will start implementing ASAP. Which is great but at the same time hectic. I feel I just added another course at an advanced level in Flash game design and I have an assignment due in November! Aah, just the thought is making me want to vomit with fear. But at the same time, I have to look at the positive side. If I wasn’t given this project my life time at work would have ended soon before I lost my sanity, but now I am looking forward to the challenges yet again. I guess I am always pumped up in the early stages of software design. I hope I do well on this and master the art of flash game design and get some help from my co-workers too. I don’t know about their flash skills, but I can help them and they can help me. It sucks some times I am the only one at work with any creativity or design skills. However, I feel a bit special and I remember the reasons why I was hired in the first place and why I stayed this long. I guess I will have a different view point in about a 3 or 4 months about this anyways!

Ahh, God help me!

I will be drinking a lot of Red Bull and making music out of it exactly like this video!

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I love youtube because even classical Arabic music is there, and I love Fairuz. So I will post my favourite songs.

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Sisterly Advice! That’s the theme for today. I came home today from work and I was tired. The moment I got upstairs, my sister was in her room watching TV. Go figure. I said, “hi little freak!”

She says, “Mona Mona.. I really have something to tell you!” I shouted at her and said, “why is it the moment I come through that door you HAVE to tell me something! I am busy! I just got here..!!!!”

She whispered really low and says, “please.. it is important. ” I thought to my self, someone must have said something to her or she got into a fight in school or something stupid like that..

I then asked, “so what is the matter?” She opened her folder and said, “I know I am missing a sheet from my homework paper. I don’t know where it is.. it is due tomorrow.” I looked at her in a very mean way and said, “you are SAD about that? Give me a break.. just tell your stupid teacher that the dog ate it!”

She looked at me in disbelief and said, “can I do that? Well the teacher will believe me anyways.. ok thanks MunMun!!”

I looked at her and thought to my self, “one day, my kids will have an art of making up stories just like their mom did in the past.. and the Rebellious Arab Girl blogger is an ever lasting proof according to Google search engine ranking and popularity!”

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