Seventh day down, twenty-three to go

Sometimes I wonder about what I am unconsciously thinking. I walk sometimes alone or sitting there staring at a computer screen and suddenly I think I am in another world. I feel sometimes that I am talking to my self telling a story. Too many thoughts in my head that make me question my life. My purpose. My daily activities. Today I think I completely lost that barrier of reality and day dreaming.

My problem since I was young that I day dream too much. Many times I forget where I am or what I am doing. I usually don’t realize it and just think it was nothing. Just pure day dreams. Nothing more and I seldom remember what I was doing or thinking. I couldn’t put one and one together.

Today, however, I think I completely lost it. I was walking this morning and all of a sudden I heard my self telling a story. I was the narrator. I kept throwing names and kept saying in my head, “she said …” and then “he said …”

It was absurd. I didn’t know what I was thinking or saying. I didn’t know what I was talking about. I was thinking very unrelated things. Too many events of he said and she said. As I stopped walking and heard noises I looked up and saw people talking. I forgot completely what I was thinking. Who said what? Was I repeating in my head things that people around me were saying? Was I making up anything in my head of stories to pass the time of walking?

As I got to work I sat down and I just wanted to keep my self preoccupied with anything. Looking at the computer screen was too painful because my eye was in pain. I kept closing my eye, but the moment I closed my eyes I felt like I was drugged and my head felt heavy. Extremely heavy.  I just kept looking at the screen or closing my eyes for about an hour. Then I couldn’t stand it no more and I just pushed the laptop away from me and just tried my best not to look at the screen.

I just felt an extreme repulsion and hate towards that screen. Towards the computer. I tried to do something else, so I took out a book to read, but I couldn’t and I couldn’t find any interest in it. I just felt dead and nothing.

I kept trying to move around, and just walk around, in and out of the lab for a bit. After 2 and a half hours, I just stopped and just stared at my fish and turtle, and I just stopped thinking, or feeling, or anything.  I just don’t know what was happening to me.

Half the time, I don’t know what is wrong with me. Am I delusional? Am I loosing my sanity slowly? I know my blog does not do me any justice. Half the things I wrote in the past are complete rubbish when I read them again. Most of the time I don’t read what I wrote again because I always wondered what was wrong with me the moment I typed. The moment my fingers touched the keys; the words it was writing, the sentences and paragraphs it was creating. Was I angry,  happy, content, aggravated, sad, or lonely?

Who knows, half the time who knows what I write. Half the time I don’t know what I say or think. Sometimes I just have these really bad headaches and can’t remember a thing? Am I suffering from amnesia? I don’t know.

Maybe I am slowly loosing my grip on reality because I spent the past twenty-six years refusing to accept it.

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post