Lately I have been just feeling mellow about life and people. I guess after a while and having such bad experiences in the past, that thinking about love in general is quite tedious. I don’t really know how to describe it. I guess sometimes I wish I can just be more open and give someone else a chance. I find it hard to open these doors again. I feel like I am just removing the bandages of the past.
Sometimes I just feel that I am in love with someone. I guess when you are alone and have no real desire of living life, that anything in your head is possible. The day dreams, the continuous talk to one self really makes a person wonder about life. I am not saying that my previous delusional posts have anything to do with what I am feeling now, but sometimes I just wish things were just “normal.”
I don’t know how to define normal. I never had a normal life. I never had anyone like me for who I am. I never considered my self pretty or anything special. I don’t think highly of my self like some other Arab girls think on a daily bases, so I really just think that no one bothered to like me for who I am. At times I wondered why I was liked in the first place. If my personality and way of thinking is absurd and does not deem appropriate for an Arab girl to be so opinionated and knowledgeable about life, then why I was liked in the first place?
I know things I say are completely bazaar and are not making any sense, but sometimes time catches up on a person. Days pass, years pass, and things stay the same. That is why I mentioned in my previous post about time. How time goes by so fast that we are not keeping up with anything anymore. We cannot keep up with life around us. We are not keeping up with being in love anymore that everything is so technical and impersonal. When was the last time someone sat down and wrote a poem or written a letter in their own hand? When was the last time someone kept calling you and wanting to see you all the time?
Now.. what is love? Now people fall in love and break up over the internet with a click of a button.
I just cannot fathom the idea of being in love again. It is just too hard and thinking about it hurts; being lonely and sad seems more gracious to the soul. I know I am pessimistic about these things, but it has gotten to the point and I am at the age when I am fully awake. I look back and think, what the hell did I do to my self? Could I have prevented it? Could things have changed if I allowed it to? Maybe not.
I just look at my self in my mirror every day and think to my self, “what the hell did I do to my self? What did I gain from life being so naive and stupid and helpless towards the most uncontrollable emotion a person can endure?” I just wish that I can get this melancholy feeling out of my head permanently and hoping to God that it will stop.
When will it stop?