Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

Lately I have been just feeling mellow about life and people. I guess after a while and having such bad experiences in the past, that thinking about love in general is quite tedious. I don’t really know how to describe it. I guess sometimes I wish I can just be more open and give someone else a chance. I find it hard to open these doors again. I feel like I am just removing the bandages of the past.

Sometimes I just feel that I am in love with someone. I guess when you are alone and have no real desire of living life, that anything in your head is possible. The day dreams, the continuous talk to one self really makes a person wonder about life. I am not saying that my previous delusional posts have anything to do with what I am feeling now, but sometimes I just wish things were just “normal.”

I don’t know how to define normal. I never had a normal life. I never had anyone like me for who I am. I never considered my self pretty or anything special. I don’t think highly of my self like some other Arab girls think on a daily bases, so I really just think that no one bothered to like me for who I am. At times I wondered why I was liked in the first place. If my personality and way of thinking is absurd and does not deem appropriate for an Arab girl to be so opinionated and knowledgeable about life, then why I was liked in the first place?

I know things I say are completely bazaar and are not making any sense, but sometimes time catches up on a person. Days pass, years pass, and things stay the same. That is why I mentioned in my previous post about time. How time goes by so fast that we are not keeping up with anything anymore. We cannot keep up with life around us. We are not keeping up with being in love anymore that everything is so technical and impersonal. When was the last time someone sat down and wrote a poem or written a letter in their own hand? When was the last time someone kept calling you and wanting to see you all the time?

Now.. what is love? Now people fall in love and break up over the internet with a click of a button.

I just cannot fathom the idea of being in love again. It is just too hard and thinking about it hurts; being lonely and sad seems more gracious to the soul. I know I am pessimistic about these things, but it has gotten to the point and I am at the age when I am fully awake. I look back and think, what the hell did I do to my self? Could I have prevented it? Could things have changed if I allowed it to? Maybe not.

I just look at my self in my mirror every day and think to my self, “what the hell did I do to my self? What did I gain from life being so naive and stupid and helpless towards the most uncontrollable emotion a person can endure?” I just wish that I can get this melancholy feeling out of my head permanently and hoping to God that it will stop.

When will it stop?

As life progresses in our day and age, our life seems to be more empty and just whisking away. We cannot control it, things just seem to be going fast, and we are not enjoying and savoring any moment of it. How can we prevent such things? Do we build a time optimizer machine? We can’t. Humans can’t do that. Humans were able to create the impossible, but only thing they can never do, is control time.

Unfortunately, our time has changed.

Time just devours us, and controls us. I was writing the title of my post and thinking.. Ninth day? Has it been that quick. And I was looking at the date, September 21st. Really? September is almost over. When did this happen? Our our lives that empty or just our way of life is too fast. Things are moving just too fast for us to keep up.

I am saying this because I am in the fastest, most growing field in the world. The world of technology. As I browse the net, I see new gadgets, games, systems, hardware, etc, daily. It’s absurd! Who can keep up with what? The technology, the competition, it is just too much to deal with. I knew when I started this field of technology that it won’t be like any other field out there. Once you are in it, you are a long life learner. If you don’t update and keep up with the fast paced world, you will become a Midevil human living in an Industrial era. You would just be way off. DAILY way off.

The world as we know it has become a vacuum of information. I cannot keep up. I just use word of mouth to learn and know about new things. No matter how much I browse the net, how much I read about new things out there and subscribe to news feeds, I am still behind. How can we keep up? Can you imagine the rest of the general public whose knowledge to technology is limited? How can the world keep up with the time that us humans created! We created this fast paced time and it is quickly changing us and making us feel empty and worthless if we are not part of it.

What more will us humans contribute to the world? How much potential do our brains really have? When will we finally master creating an intelligence that is smarter than us? Will we reach that level? How bad will it be?

Just thinking of the future, 20 years from now is scary. As a person who is born in the 80′s and have witnessed the most incredible technological changes ever in the history of humanity, living another 20 years and seeing a new generation of technology is quite scary. I am scared of the future because I know when things are at their highest peek, it will inevitably fall and taking everyone else with it.

Just think about it for a bit. How much faster can we REALLY go?