The death within.

I am just going to briefly explain the past two letters that I have written before I reach the main concern I have at the moment. The letters were written to no one. They were not sent to anyone. They were thoughts of hatered I had towards some and I have written it really as an open letter to those who are willing to listen. The first letter was directed to a guy. Obviously some of you believe it was to “him.” On the contrary, it was not. The latter was sent as a general plea of hatred towards someone. Who that person is; no clue. I left it genderless. It could be a great letter to use against a girl as well for those males who have endured such a pit fall in love that made you hate as much as I have.

Enough of those letters. They were mere thoughts from the past and letters that I should have written in the past. However, my conscious left me to believe that being a positive careless individual will save me harm in the future. Obviously, that was not the case. It made me a cruel hateful person. I don’t even know what a joyful emotion feels anymore. I don’t think I want to.

As of today, I noticed how much I cannot control my emotions to the point where there are a fog of events permeating around me that I do not understand. One thing I don’t like about work is the politics and private talks amongst others. It disturbs me and want me to hate every moment I spend at work. I cannot work in an environment where things are done in secrecy. Things are done without my knowledge to hurt me. One thing I cannot understand is why people think they want to help me. I do not need help. I never did and I never will. I managed all these years without any help. Why now? Why the concern all of a sudden?

I am not at work now. I left out of anger and haterd of the place. I couldn’t fathom the thought of me sitting there anymore. I left to drink coffee. I broke my fast out of anger and I needed something to calm me down. I also bought a huge bar of fudge and devoured it in 2 seconds. I couldn’t think anymore. I was mad. Furious beyond beliefe.

After all these year, after working so hard trying to perfect what I do to the best of my abilities, I am told that I will be requiring help. What an insult! Me asking for help? I said no, however, they carried on with looking for help. Why? Because my say is wortheless. My opinions are worthless.

If I wanted help I would be a manager. I wouldn’t even call it help. It would be, as my professor has said about the real world, “bosses are smart people who need help carrying on a project, so they hire someone smarter to do the work for them.” Did I ask that I needed someone to help me with the work? Am I not smart enough to do it on my own? I can’t work with others. I tried. I was rediculed and made fun of. My work meant nothing. In the past, the smarter person, as they thought they were, thought that my work was beneath theirs. What happend to them? They left, fired, quit and I was left behind to redo the work that I would have happily done by my self in the beginning. Remember the politics? The thing I hate most and I can’t stand is that word. Waste of people, waste of money, waste of years to have others help me. Yes, they helped. In reality they did. The more work they did, the more time after their depature I had to endure to redo it all. You can say I won in the end. But on whose account? It did not make me feel better. Not one bit.

How long has this been going on really? I would say 2 or 3 years. Didn’t anyone realize that I am capable of doing anything. I am too smart for my own good that I scare my self sometimes. I don’t care where I work, how long I work. I have suffered in the most work consumed degree in the University. I am the only one at work who has a University degree and have suffered sleepless nights for such a degree. Work related projects are non-sense compared to what I had to do. Work is my pleasure and that pleasure is taken away from me on a daily basis.

I never asked or complained about the work load other than the incident I had with a highly educated lady who thought she can control me as her pawn due to her education and power. I am no one’s pawn. However, I guess the more you lower your self to stay in one job for so many years without a promotion, without proper consideration of one’s work, being a pawn is merciful.

After all these years, and having to suffer daily on the account of other’s lack of commitment and work ethics, I have to endure more of it.

So I guess hiring someone to be my help is like asking me not to do the work, let someone else do it and get the credit for it, and I will sit there and watch them glee of joy at their accomplishments, and I sitting back wondering how long before they fire me. Or, as I learned and witnessed in the past. I will watch the down fall of another person and wonder then if I should glee of joy or pity their wasted efforts.

I will just wait and see. I won’t work on any projects anymore. I will wait and see what will happen. Let them hire another person. Let them do all the work as I watch them, and I will see then what it means to be slowly replaced. At least I will just sit there for the next few weeks till the end of the year looking for another job because I had enough. My heart, my brain, my entire being is not heart to heart with this job anymore. It died today while I with held it for so long. For so long I tried to remember the reason why I was hired in the first place. All the events that made me on the edge of quitting 10, 20, 30 times. My patience was beyond imagination. However, it all died today. It just died.

Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!