I am difficult to manage.

Quoted by my boss. Regarding yesterday’s manic actions, I guess I wasn’t really going to get away with it. I should actually quote the rest of what he said. He told me that, “I am difficult to manage, but challenging.” Yes, he smiled but it was such a fake smile that I just laughed. I laughed for many reasons. I laughed because I did not want to be there and discuss it. I laughed because it was easier to not tell the truth, so I thought of something funny instead and waiting till the conversation ended. I laughed because all I thought about when he said those words where my mother. She says it to me on a daily basis. Probably since the day I was born that I was difficult to manage. She even told me one time that I was rebellious. Hence, the reason for my blog. Great inspirations I tell you. My mom uses a lot of interesting words.

Getting back to the issue at hand; the conversation. My boss was trying to get the truth from me to find out why I didn’t want someone to be hired to help me out. You know how hard it is to lie face to face to someone? I don’t know how people can do it. However, I did it today. I did it because I had so much anger built up in me that I forgot that I was sitting in front of him. I forgot why I was brought in there in the first place. I tried so hard to tell my self that telling the truth will not help the situation, but make it worse.

So I just started disagreeing with what he was saying. I couldn’t believe it my self. I guess I showed my true colours by saying “no” all the time. Everything he was asking me, I kept saying no. He even said that the thing he liked about me is I am not easily agreeable. I am not a yes person which seems to impress bosses. I wasn’t agreeing because I didn’t want to seem that I didn’t care and just going with the flow. I shock my self sometimes. I really do.

So the conversation really didn’t come to a conclusion other than me asking 3 or 4 times to go back to the office and work. He tried to keep me a bit longer to see what else he can extract from my messed up thoughts.

Abruptly, he mentioned the co-worker that I despised and he said that the guy doesn’t have his heart and soul in this job anymore and who knows how long he will stay. I was about to scream. I just said, “well, he has been here 4 years, so I don’t know why he hadn’t left yet.”

That’s what I said, but this is what I really meant. I meant to say, “why the hell you didn’t fire him yet?” Obviously I didn’t because I am not stupid and I was thinking more of why I was sitting there to begin with and I didn’t want a problem to become any bigger.

Telling half the truth is as bad as not telling it at all.

Do I feel guilty? I need to stop feeling guilty. It’s hard when you have such a nice boss and one of the nicest people you ever met to make him feel bad. However, I had my mind set. I really did and I wasn’t going to back out of it.. not this time. No turning back.

As I got back to work, my co-worker, who was intently waiting my return to know what happened kept messenging me on msn asking, “did you sort it out?”

I bluntly said, “sort what out exactly?”

I guess he then tried to explain him self more and kept saying, “this new person will not be a help, you will be the boss of them.” I told him, “no.. this is not going to happen. I had lots of help in the past, they did not want to work directly under me because to their understanding, I am not their boss, my boss is their boss and I am just a co-worker.” So I told him I really did not want to go through this again. It was a waste of time and effort.

Then I told him, “did the boss wonder why I was late this morning?” He said, “hmm no..” I told him, “I was at the library sending out resumes.” He said, “what! Are you really considering leaving?” I said, “not now.. soon.. maybe end of the year or next year. I am still looking for something more suitable to my skills, and it will not be a programming job, but managerial. I am sick of taking orders. I just can’t handle it anymore. I feel that I have no say and I am just tired of taking orders.. It makes my blood boil.. Mentaly I can’t handle it anymore.”

Then something weird happened. I didn’t understand my co-worker’s motives, but he was talking me out of it. He didn’t want me to leave. I then interrupted him and said, “why does it matter to you if I leave or not? It is my choice.” He then replied, “ok ok.. it is your choice in the end, but if you become manager, will you still remember us?” I said, “yep.. maybe even steal you away.. wouldn’t that be fun?” I just laughed and thought to my self.. poor kids.. maybe they actually do like my presence at work because I was always there listening to them and innocently making jokes.

Later in the day, I wanted to talk to my best friend. So I gave her a call and we were briefly catching up with life. I then told her, “I got in a fight with my boss yesterday.” She said, “why you keep fighting with everyone.. is it in your blood?” I said, “I didn’t mean to.. I didn’t want to, but you know me. Once I am angry, that’s it.. no one can stop me.”

I then told her the details of what happened very quickly without taking a breath, and then she stopped me and said this, “why do you need help exactly? A person has to do a project on their own. It makes sense and you get to perfect it better without having to deal with others. Especially you.. with your drawings and art work. It will just be different between two people. And you don’t work in a big environment.”

My heart fell. I couldn’t believe what she was saying. I just remembered that moment of why I liked her as a friend. Why I confided in her. Of all her flaws, of all my flaws, the only thing that kept the bond of friendship is how we perceive life. I told her how much I loved her for being a friend and she is the only human that can understand me. That I wasn’t going insane with my thoughts and what I have done. That I was right.

She then asked me, “what about school? Didn’t you want to do more stuff with your life and it was easy with your job? Didn’t you get accepted to masters? I know you didn’t tell anyone and you were planning to do it part time starting May.. but really, what are you going to do now? Will you leave campus now for good?” Then it dawned at me the real reason why I was still there. It was easy access to taking classes and pursuing higher education. I just didn’t want to think anymore. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t really keen on the idea of masters because I didn’t want to do it in Computer Science. It was just my last resort. I was still thinking in my head to do business or something more profitable and better for the future. I don’t know what to think. I am so confused.

Then she said, “don’t you dare quit work. If you find another job, good. If not stick with it. You put up with it for 5 and a half years, don’t stop now because you are psychologically incapable of controlling your emotions because of all the trauma in you had to witness and live with all your life. So stop it. You don’t want to regret this. Not work. So just suck it up and work and stop fighting with everyone. If you want a real challenge in fighting, I dare you to fight with me.”

I laughed and told her, “fight with you? It’s like fighting with my self till the death. And I know death will come slow in this case. So forget it. I will just keep drinking coffee excessively from now on and high amounts of fudge and chocolate.”

She said, “you will end up being a fat cow. How much weight you gained cause of “him”? That fucken idiot. 30, 40 pounds in the past 2 years?”

I said, “shut up… you are not looking any better.”

She said, “yep.. we are both alike.. so let’s just suck it up and work out 3 time a week.”

I said, ” you are a wierdo.. when Ramadan is over, I am back to the gym 5 days a week. Unlike you!”

She got mad and said, “whatever.. anyways.. I got to go.. I miss you so much.. see you in 3 weeks!”

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Whatever!