Resentful

So she got up and walked about – rather stiffly just at first, as she was afraid that the crown might come off: but she comforted herself with the thought that there was nobody to see her, “and if I really am a Queen,” she said, as she sat down again,

“I shall be able to manage it quite well in time.”

—-

I don’t know where to begin. I feel that my world is collapsing before my eyes. This is how it feels to be angry. Not angry with people. Not angry of those I love and respect. I am angry with my self. Angry of what has become of me. I have become this shrewed person who can master the art of hatred.

I don’t hate others as much I hate my self right now. My mind is thinking in a thousand directions at the moment wondering what my next step is. My problem is that I just think too much. Every possibility. Every step I take. I just think too much.

For those who have been keeping up with my thoughts the past week might think it has anything to with with work or doctors or whatever. No it doesn’t. It is because I lost my path. I lost the direction that I wanted and I set to my self.

Since an early age.. I had one direction, with time, that direction kept getting swayed. I kept trying to put it back to the right path, and it kept swaying more. It got to the point where it went off tangent. I couldn’t stop it. Now, the tangent has been broken. There is no longer a direction in my life. No path to take. I am just here. That’s all. Just here.

You may wonder what the hell I am talking about. I will tell you this. I can no longer manage my sanity in any form. I no longer love. I no longer hate. I no longer feel anything that is worth living for.

You may ask why? Why all this melancholy and anger?

Simple. I can’t stand anything anymore. I am angry. I am furious with everyone and everything. I can’t stand what I currently have and I can’t get out of it. I am trapped in this bubble that is in me. A bubble that I have created and made sure it wouldn’t burst. Now I am suffocating within it. I trapped my self in my own shield.

I guess when you try too hard to perfect something, all you get in the end a mere approval and no recognition. That’s my life. Full of accomplishments. Full of events and memories that I can boast about it. But no one to recognize me with.

You may wonder why I want all this if I want to be left alone?

Do we always say what we want in life? Are we ever going to tell others how we really feel and what we really want in return?

I wish I can just allow that barrier between the tip of my tongue to evaporate. To vanish so I can just become this unbearable person who doesn’t give a shit anymore and not think and feel guilty about every word she says. I really do.

Unfortunately, it is not the case. The more anger one feels, the more sorrow they feel. The more sadness their heart feels about anything.

I don’t believe it when some people I know tell me, “oh I have no feelings. I don’t care what others think of me.”

BULL SHIT!

When a person says that, that means that is ALL they are thinking about.

You know what sucks about us being intelligent human beings? That we CAN read through other people’s eyes! It’s funny how we really don’t need to have the sense of hearing, and the sense of speech to communicate. We just need to look at one another and see the truth. It’s simple. Just try it one time. Seek the truth for once. Don’t believe the rubbish that comes out of someone’s mouth. Just look at them and you will know.

So I am resentful of life. Resentful of my life. I hate every part of it to the point where I don’t care about anything or anyone anymore. This is the point where one would loose the purpose of life. I guess I lost it. I think I lost it long time ago, but now I realized it. I feel sorry for my self that my realization came this late. It really does.

—

“I told them once, I told them twice: they would not listen to advice.”

“Now I growl when I’m pleased, and wag my tail when I’m angry. Therefore I’m mad.”

Angry, Blah Blah, Ranting as usual!, Whatever!