The headache and the guilt

I think I suffered from them for too long. It is hard waking up in the morning realizing that yesterday will creep back at you. No wonder why optimistic people always look brightly at the future and forget the past. Unlike people like me. Unlike those people who think the world is an unfair playground filled with unforeseen awful outcomes.

I asked my self many questions…

Do I feel guilty? Yes.

Why do I feel guilty? Because I am tired of hurting people I love and my self.

Do I have emotional uncontrollable problems? Yes.

What can I do about them? I can’t do anything. I cannot control my feelings. It controls me.

What should I do now? Hide in my own little world and stop talking.

How long can I hide? Until one day people will like me for who I am and I don’t have to prove my worth to anyone.

What worth? Good question.. Am I worth it?

What am I trying to prove? That I cannot control my actions and what I say anymore. It just gotten so hard to do so.

What’s so hard? Having to deal with life. To deal with people. Hurting people you don’t want to hurt.

Why do I keep hurting people? I don’t do it intentionally. They are just hurting me without realizing it and making me act this way.

How am I acting now? Like a lost child in the desert without water pleading for help.

So I am still acting like a child? No. I grew out of childhood long time ago. I faced reality too early without anyone explaining it to me.

Why no one explained it to me? Why make a child fear growing up? When we were young, all we wanted to do is grow up. When we grew up, all we kept wishing for is to stay young forever.

Do I still feel guilty? Oh, it is just in my blood.

What about the headache? 3 hours of sleep makes anyone have a headache.

Shouldn’t it be better to just forget everything and start all over? I try. I really want to. But how can I?

Can I just try again?

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts