Cannot manage to sleep

I don’t know why I am still awake. It’s almost 4 am and the thoughts of sleeping have escaped me long ago. I guess when you sit all night trying to put together everything into perspective, you then realize how insignificant of tiny beings we really are. I guess the depression and bi-polar thoughts and actions have kicked in. I will have to endure today the sadness of sitting down with a psychologist/councelour at a student development center (I can’t afford a real psychologist) to tell me what I already know about my self.

I know that I suffer from sadness, loneliness, mood swings, irritability, anger, and just hopelessness. I guess the fear of knowing what you really are is someone else telling it to your face.

Who can really help me? I can’t even help my self.

I found writing as my last resort and as a way to speak out, but even then I am ridiculed and made fun of constantly. No one takes me seriously and I am just a no body.

In reality, I am just a sad person who spends most of her time suffering from sleepless nights and crying.

Has anyone ever cried for no reason?

The past year has been so horrible. I feel that I am hated by everyone, and no one ever loves me, or takes me seriously. I am just no one. No one at all. I feel like someone hit me really hard and just told me to shut up and never be happy again.

My biggest problem is that I don’t like change. I was happier in my own little comfort zone. The zone where no one was allowed to change anything unless I said so. I cannot let go of what I love. I feel happier knowing things are just the way they are supposed to be. We always have this hope that what we love and feel secure with will never leave us. Our surroundings will never change, and what we want to plan for in the future is always what we hope for.

I don’t know how I became this utterly depressed person. I suffered off and on from depression since I was 19, but never to this extent that it controls me completely. Things around me changed so much the past year that I no longer can find any joy, or purpose of me. I really don’t know how to be happy anymore and I just get angry and sad all at once. I feel everything was broken to a million pieces that nothing will glue it back again.

I also became fearful of confrontations and would rather just be left alone and no one to talk or criticize or say anything to me anymore. I just want to be left alone. Just be left alone forever.

Random Thoughts