About 2 hours ago the doctor called and said for me to come in ASAP to the clinic. My dad obviously answered and made me get up and rushed me to there. The conversation with the doctor was quite comical to me, but serious to him.

This is the conversation I had with him.. some were verbal.. and some were things I was just saying to my self.

He said, “your results came mostly good. We checked first for diabetes and any other indication that may cause heart disease of any sort. They were good, but you should still watch your blood sugar level cause you can be at risk.”

I said, “ok good.”

He then said, “your red and white blood cell count was good. No problem there.”

I said, “ok fine… ?”

He then said, “However, we checked your iron level and you need to start taking iron supplements. It is low.”

I said, “ok.”

He said, “I need to take your blood pressure and heart rate again.”

He did .. and ..

He then said, “It is still high.. you were relaxing all day right?”

I said, “yep.. I was in bed all day. Didn’t drink coffee or anything.. I didn’t even eat yet.”

He said, “It is less than yesterday, but still high. It is at 145/93.”

I thought wow.. I was a lazy bum all day and didn’t do anything and it was still high?

He then said, “your heart rate is high too.. It is supposed to be 75 – 80 bpm. It is still over 100. It is at 120.”

I said, “what the.. It’s like I am working out!”

He said.. “yes.. we need to get that down and the blood pressure. Do you still feel a headache?”

I said, “yes.. but not as bad as yesterday.”

He said.. “Just keep taking Tylenol for the next few days. You need to watch what you are doing and your stress level. You are currently in a state of hypertension and it is not looking good at all.”

I said, “I am just stressed from life.”

He said, ” I am not a psychologist, so I cannot prescribe you depression drugs.. You said you worked at the University right?”

I said… “ya.”

He said, “You need to make an appointment with a psychologist there that can help you with your depression. Make it soon. You need help or it will make you severely and permanently ill.”

I laughed and said, “I am already sick.. look at all the white hair.. I dye my hair, it comes back in 2 days.. I averaged it out!”

He said, “Just make an appointment with a psychologist. You are talking like you are suffering from major depression. You need help.”

In my head I am thinking.. I just need a new life!!

He then said, “make an appointmemt with me tomorrow or Saturday to check the blood pressure and heart rate again.”

I said, “fine.”

So in conclusion.. I suffer from depression, hypertension, and low iron. Oh.. and not let us forget the results from 2 weeks ago from my hearing test that I have mild hearing loss!

My life can’t get any better!

I am going to bed. Bye!

Angry, They said what?

I went to the doctor last night cause I had hard time breathing. The doctor took my blood pressure and heart rate and said, “sit down and calm down. If you don’t you will have a heart attack!” He gave me some pills that seem to make a person drowsy and calm. I laid down on the stupid little bed and he waited about 20 min and checked my heart rate again.

He said, “it went down a bit.. you need to stop drinking coffee, or anything with caffeine for a while. Your blood pressure is too high and causing you the head ache. I will prescribe you some medicine that will help with that. You need to watch out because blood pressure that high at a young age will cause double the damage if you were 45 or 50.”

I said, “sure… whatever you want.”

He said, “we also need to do a blood test since it is heredity in your family to have heart disease and diabetes since your dad is my patient as well.”

I said, “fine.. do whatever you want. I am not getting any younger.”

So they took some blood and it hurt like hell cause I hate shots and I have to wait for the results now. Great! Even the doctor thinks I am going to die soon!

Angry, Blah Blah, They said what?

I think I suffered from them for too long. It is hard waking up in the morning realizing that yesterday will creep back at you. No wonder why optimistic people always look brightly at the future and forget the past. Unlike people like me. Unlike those people who think the world is an unfair playground filled with unforeseen awful outcomes.

I asked my self many questions…

Do I feel guilty? Yes.

Why do I feel guilty? Because I am tired of hurting people I love and my self.

Do I have emotional uncontrollable problems? Yes.

What can I do about them? I can’t do anything. I cannot control my feelings. It controls me.

What should I do now? Hide in my own little world and stop talking.

How long can I hide? Until one day people will like me for who I am and I don’t have to prove my worth to anyone.

What worth? :lol: Good question.. Am I worth it?

What am I trying to prove? That I cannot control my actions and what I say anymore. It just gotten so hard to do so.

What’s so hard? Having to deal with life. To deal with people. Hurting people you don’t want to hurt.

Why do I keep hurting people? I don’t do it intentionally. They are just hurting me without realizing it and making me act this way.

How am I acting now? Like a lost child in the desert without water pleading for help.

So I am still acting like a child? No. I grew out of childhood long time ago. I faced reality too early without anyone explaining it to me.

Why no one explained it to me? Why make a child fear growing up? When we were young, all we wanted to do is grow up. When we grew up, all we kept wishing for is to stay young forever.

Do I still feel guilty? Oh, it is just in my blood.

What about the headache? 3 hours of sleep makes anyone have a headache.

Shouldn’t it be better to just forget everything and start all over? I try. I really want to. But how can I?

Can I just try again?

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

No matter how much I dye my hair, the white will always show. It won’t go away. It is a permanent sign of age, stress, and life’s curse towards me. I guess I am saying all these words out of pure defeat. Life defeated me. I don’t want to say I hate my life, I said that enough in the past. I just gave up. I just can’t stand anything anymore. I left work this morning because I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t stand seeing in my email various resumes of other people who I know are better than me doing the work that I was hired to do. It hurts. It really does. The only reason that I am stuck and wanted at this job because I seem to have this curse called graphical talent. I don’t have a talent. I just try my best to do whatever job I am given so I can get paid and pay off my loans! It’s enough I put up with this job with no benefits, nothing. Just a stupid contract I have to renew every year. I am a programmer. That’s it. Why aren’t I ever recognized as a GIRL WITH A COMPUTER SCIENCE DEGREE WHO CAN FUCKEN PROGRAM and ACTUALLY HAS SOME CREATIVITY!?

I have a Bachelors Degree of Science in fucken Computer Science. I was educated to become a good programmer. I wasted over 35,000 dollars so I can be one and I am still paying for it. I know stupid powerful languages such as Java, C, C++ and I am actually GOOD at them. And with a University education, I can actually program well unlike those with college diplomas! Of all three, I am the best in the C language. I didn’t go to University to become a graphics designer. If I wanted to then I would have not dropped Art class in grade 11 when the stupid gay teacher said that I will never receive high marks because I came from the US. Although I showed him a portfolio of my work and awards from the US. He purposely kept giving me 50’s and even failing me because he hated my guts and couldn’t believe that a 16 year old can do half the crap that I did. (I haven’t painted or made any sculptures in 10 years!)

Now, the same scenario again. After 10 years. 10 fucken years and I am treated the same way. People in upper management don’t really give a crap in what I do. The moment they are not satisfied with my work, they go fucken put a logo contest or hire another company to do the work. This is what happens when there is a rapid change in management. People act stupid and want to satisfy their superiors by wasting money to hire professional well known companies to do the work. What do I get in the end? Wasted hours of trying to do something nice for them for free, and a slap in the face. It’s like I am nothing. Just a worthless pawn to them that they can do whatever they want. (That’s why I said I wanted to be a manager and it’s the only thing I know I will be good at. I can’t stand being a pawn in this stupid game!)

So I left work this morning with my laptop. I took it so I can do some work outside where there is a window so I can see nature since I am stuck 8 hours a day in a dungeon. Actually, I left because I wanted to sit alone and cry my eyes out. (I am still crying till now.) Oh how much I hate my life, hate my work, and I can’t do anything about either of them.

Anyways, anyone out there interested in hiring a minority programmer? Being an Arab and a girl is a double bonus for your company. I have a computer science degree. I am good at programming, I make kick ass GUIS, and I am great at project management. I got over 5.5 years of experience and I am cursed with a graphical talent. So it could be a double bonus for your company too to hire a minority with multi-skills!

If anyone is really interested in the London area, give me a shout and I will send you my resume. I am not really as bad as my blog seem to be. I am just an emotional girl. Just like any other girl with life’s daily problems. It’s inevitable. However, from my writing style and expressions you can see that I am great in writing English! And no, I don’t have an accent! I am pure English speaking and I spoke it all my life and went to private school when I was younger to learn it. However, I will be picky about salary. I got too many years of putting up with crap that I should be paid well with benefits to shut me up and give me the incentive to do kick ass work! I am a good worker who is actually worth the money. Really.. no joke.

Angry

I had a major problem with Vista today. Every time I tried to login, it kept acting stupid. It took me about an hour to troubleshoot it and I finally figured out, that not only was my wireless keyboard’s battery was dying, but the wireless connection was messed up and needed resetting. Damn you keyboard and you stupid Vista for not giving me a better error message!!

Angry