So she got up and walked about – rather stiffly just at first, as she was afraid that the crown might come off: but she comforted herself with the thought that there was nobody to see her, “and if I really am a Queen,” she said, as she sat down again,

“I shall be able to manage it quite well in time.”

—-

I don’t know where to begin. I feel that my world is collapsing before my eyes. This is how it feels to be angry. Not angry with people. Not angry of those I love and respect. I am angry with my self. Angry of what has become of me. I have become this shrewed person who can master the art of hatred.

I don’t hate others as much I hate my self right now. My mind is thinking in a thousand directions at the moment wondering what my next step is. My problem is that I just think too much. Every possibility. Every step I take. I just think too much.

For those who have been keeping up with my thoughts the past week might think it has anything to with with work or doctors or whatever. No it doesn’t. It is because I lost my path. I lost the direction that I wanted and I set to my self.

Since an early age.. I had one direction, with time, that direction kept getting swayed. I kept trying to put it back to the right path, and it kept swaying more. It got to the point where it went off tangent. I couldn’t stop it. Now, the tangent has been broken. There is no longer a direction in my life. No path to take. I am just here. That’s all. Just here.

You may wonder what the hell I am talking about. I will tell you this. I can no longer manage my sanity in any form. I no longer love. I no longer hate. I no longer feel anything that is worth living for.

You may ask why? Why all this melancholy and anger?

Simple. I can’t stand anything anymore. I am angry. I am furious with everyone and everything. I can’t stand what I currently have and I can’t get out of it. I am trapped in this bubble that is in me. A bubble that I have created and made sure it wouldn’t burst. Now I am suffocating within it. I trapped my self in my own shield.

I guess when you try too hard to perfect something, all you get in the end a mere approval and no recognition. That’s my life. Full of accomplishments. Full of events and memories that I can boast about it. But no one to recognize me with.

You may wonder why I want all this if I want to be left alone?

Do we always say what we want in life? Are we ever going to tell others how we really feel and what we really want in return?

I wish I can just allow that barrier between the tip of my tongue to evaporate. To vanish so I can just become this unbearable person who doesn’t give a shit anymore and not think and feel guilty about every word she says. I really do.

Unfortunately, it is not the case. The more anger one feels, the more sorrow they feel. The more sadness their heart feels about anything.

I don’t believe it when some people I know tell me, “oh I have no feelings. I don’t care what others think of me.”

BULL SHIT!

When a person says that, that means that is ALL they are thinking about.

You know what sucks about us being intelligent human beings? That we CAN read through other people’s eyes! It’s funny how we really don’t need to have the sense of hearing, and the sense of speech to communicate. We just need to look at one another and see the truth. It’s simple. Just try it one time. Seek the truth for once. Don’t believe the rubbish that comes out of someone’s mouth. Just look at them and you will know.

So I am resentful of life. Resentful of my life. I hate every part of it to the point where I don’t care about anything or anyone anymore. This is the point where one would loose the purpose of life. I guess I lost it. I think I lost it long time ago, but now I realized it. I feel sorry for my self that my realization came this late. It really does.

—

“I told them once, I told them twice: they would not listen to advice.”

“Now I growl when I’m pleased, and wag my tail when I’m angry. Therefore I’m mad.”

Angry, Blah Blah, Ranting as usual!, Whatever!

I had an appointment this afternoon with an audiologist to check my hearing. I told him I have hard time hearing from my right ear and it seems to be just getting worse as the days go by. He discussed with me various options, which means a hearing aid tool. He asked me first, (he knows I work in the same building), and said, “Are you full time University employee? Do you have insurance? the government will only cover 500$ for it.”

I hesitated and said, “I am only contracted but I have my own insurance that I pay monthly.” He said, “The University insurance would have covered it all, so check with your current insurance and see if they will cover it.”

So I was sitting in this sound booth and taking this hearing test. He put the tube with a sponge tip inside my ears and continued on with me having to click a button when I hear the beeps. My left ear was fine. I was able to hear as much as possible. My right ear however, wasn’t the case. The more noise, the more pressure I felt on my ear. I donno how to really describe it. I just couldn’t hear that much. Not much at all.

After the test was done, he explained to me the results. He said, “your low frequency and high frequency threshold went down a lot from last time you have been here. You are too young. Maybe a lady who is over 60 might have this problem. But not like you within a 3 year time frame. So the low frequency is the one causing you the problems and it went down the borderline normal. It is considered now a mild hearing loss. It is just I don’t understand how can it be in one ear. Your ears are fine physically. All the sound waves are bouncing off properly. It just not making sense.”

I said, “what can I do now?” He said, “I really don’t know, if you call your insurance and see if they can cover a hearing aid, we can try it out for a month and see if it will make any significant changes. Other than that, just when you speak to people, face them and read their mouth properly. If you have problems just tell them to repeat what they are saying.”

I said, “fine..”

He then said, “we can do more tests of the ear muscles but you already did that, the only thing that was reported that you have a scar in your ear, but it is outer and I saw it too.”

I said, “what??? what scar?”

He said, “it is outer, it would not cause any problems whatsoever. It could have been caused by your severe ear infection when you were 15 and just tore some skin.”

I said, “ok ok..”

I was hoping deep down inside that he would give me a solution or medicine on the spot. Just to see if it will make a difference. I then said, “but I feel congestion and pressure sometimes.” He said, “could be allergies that is causing it too.” I said, “well, I do have allergies, but it was bad in May and June. I am fine now.” He said, “since the cochlea has a liquid which is composed of minerals that take in the sound to the brain using the nerves.. blah blah..” I forgot what he said, then he continued on saying, “you could be difficient in some mineral that your body needs, but then it would effect both ears.”

I said, “so no real reason.. fine fine.” He then said, “just talk to your insurance and see what they cover. Other than that, it is really fine for now and just come in one year so we can keep monitoring the problem. Ok?”

I said ,”fine fine fine…!! ”

So I just got home and checked my insurance website and saw the listing of all the things they cover. Hearing aid is not on the list. You wonder why? Cause hearing aids cost over $2500 as the Doc said.

So now I am furious because I have crappy insurance and I am wasting 114 dollars a month to pay for it. I am just mad that it is making me sick to my stomach of what I found out about my hearing.

It has just been a bad week.

I was just thinking of going to a real doctor tomorrow and see if they can help me in a health related way about my ears. Maybe I am just always congested and sick.. I am always sniffling.

Angry, Blah Blah

Quoted by my boss. Regarding yesterday’s manic actions, I guess I wasn’t really going to get away with it. I should actually quote the rest of what he said. He told me that, “I am difficult to manage, but challenging.” Yes, he smiled but it was such a fake smile that I just laughed. I laughed for many reasons. I laughed because I did not want to be there and discuss it. I laughed because it was easier to not tell the truth, so I thought of something funny instead and waiting till the conversation ended. I laughed because all I thought about when he said those words where my mother. She says it to me on a daily basis. Probably since the day I was born that I was difficult to manage. She even told me one time that I was rebellious. Hence, the reason for my blog. Great inspirations I tell you. My mom uses a lot of interesting words.

Getting back to the issue at hand; the conversation. My boss was trying to get the truth from me to find out why I didn’t want someone to be hired to help me out. You know how hard it is to lie face to face to someone? I don’t know how people can do it. However, I did it today. I did it because I had so much anger built up in me that I forgot that I was sitting in front of him. I forgot why I was brought in there in the first place. I tried so hard to tell my self that telling the truth will not help the situation, but make it worse.

So I just started disagreeing with what he was saying. I couldn’t believe it my self. I guess I showed my true colours by saying “no” all the time. Everything he was asking me, I kept saying no. He even said that the thing he liked about me is I am not easily agreeable. I am not a yes person which seems to impress bosses. I wasn’t agreeing because I didn’t want to seem that I didn’t care and just going with the flow. I shock my self sometimes. I really do.

So the conversation really didn’t come to a conclusion other than me asking 3 or 4 times to go back to the office and work. He tried to keep me a bit longer to see what else he can extract from my messed up thoughts.

Abruptly, he mentioned the co-worker that I despised and he said that the guy doesn’t have his heart and soul in this job anymore and who knows how long he will stay. I was about to scream. I just said, “well, he has been here 4 years, so I don’t know why he hadn’t left yet.”

That’s what I said, but this is what I really meant. I meant to say, “why the hell you didn’t fire him yet?” Obviously I didn’t because I am not stupid and I was thinking more of why I was sitting there to begin with and I didn’t want a problem to become any bigger.

Telling half the truth is as bad as not telling it at all.

Do I feel guilty? I need to stop feeling guilty. It’s hard when you have such a nice boss and one of the nicest people you ever met to make him feel bad. However, I had my mind set. I really did and I wasn’t going to back out of it.. not this time. No turning back.

As I got back to work, my co-worker, who was intently waiting my return to know what happened kept messenging me on msn asking, “did you sort it out?”

I bluntly said, “sort what out exactly?”

I guess he then tried to explain him self more and kept saying, “this new person will not be a help, you will be the boss of them.” I told him, “no.. this is not going to happen. I had lots of help in the past, they did not want to work directly under me because to their understanding, I am not their boss, my boss is their boss and I am just a co-worker.” So I told him I really did not want to go through this again. It was a waste of time and effort.

Then I told him, “did the boss wonder why I was late this morning?” He said, “hmm no..” I told him, “I was at the library sending out resumes.” He said, “what! Are you really considering leaving?” I said, “not now.. soon.. maybe end of the year or next year. I am still looking for something more suitable to my skills, and it will not be a programming job, but managerial. I am sick of taking orders. I just can’t handle it anymore. I feel that I have no say and I am just tired of taking orders.. It makes my blood boil.. Mentaly I can’t handle it anymore.”

Then something weird happened. I didn’t understand my co-worker’s motives, but he was talking me out of it. He didn’t want me to leave. I then interrupted him and said, “why does it matter to you if I leave or not? It is my choice.” He then replied, “ok ok.. it is your choice in the end, but if you become manager, will you still remember us?” I said, “yep.. maybe even steal you away.. wouldn’t that be fun?” I just laughed and thought to my self.. poor kids.. maybe they actually do like my presence at work because I was always there listening to them and innocently making jokes.

Later in the day, I wanted to talk to my best friend. So I gave her a call and we were briefly catching up with life. I then told her, “I got in a fight with my boss yesterday.” She said, “why you keep fighting with everyone.. is it in your blood?” I said, “I didn’t mean to.. I didn’t want to, but you know me. Once I am angry, that’s it.. no one can stop me.”

I then told her the details of what happened very quickly without taking a breath, and then she stopped me and said this, “why do you need help exactly? A person has to do a project on their own. It makes sense and you get to perfect it better without having to deal with others. Especially you.. with your drawings and art work. It will just be different between two people. And you don’t work in a big environment.”

My heart fell. I couldn’t believe what she was saying. I just remembered that moment of why I liked her as a friend. Why I confided in her. Of all her flaws, of all my flaws, the only thing that kept the bond of friendship is how we perceive life. I told her how much I loved her for being a friend and she is the only human that can understand me. That I wasn’t going insane with my thoughts and what I have done. That I was right.

She then asked me, “what about school? Didn’t you want to do more stuff with your life and it was easy with your job? Didn’t you get accepted to masters? I know you didn’t tell anyone and you were planning to do it part time starting May.. but really, what are you going to do now? Will you leave campus now for good?” Then it dawned at me the real reason why I was still there. It was easy access to taking classes and pursuing higher education. I just didn’t want to think anymore. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t really keen on the idea of masters because I didn’t want to do it in Computer Science. It was just my last resort. I was still thinking in my head to do business or something more profitable and better for the future. I don’t know what to think. I am so confused.

Then she said, “don’t you dare quit work. If you find another job, good. If not stick with it. You put up with it for 5 and a half years, don’t stop now because you are psychologically incapable of controlling your emotions because of all the trauma in you had to witness and live with all your life. So stop it. You don’t want to regret this. Not work. So just suck it up and work and stop fighting with everyone. If you want a real challenge in fighting, I dare you to fight with me.”

I laughed and told her, “fight with you? It’s like fighting with my self till the death. And I know death will come slow in this case. So forget it. I will just keep drinking coffee excessively from now on and high amounts of fudge and chocolate.”

She said, “you will end up being a fat cow. How much weight you gained cause of “him”? That fucken idiot. 30, 40 pounds in the past 2 years?”

I said, “shut up… you are not looking any better.”

She said, “yep.. we are both alike.. so let’s just suck it up and work out 3 time a week.”

I said, ” you are a wierdo.. when Ramadan is over, I am back to the gym 5 days a week. Unlike you!”

She got mad and said, “whatever.. anyways.. I got to go.. I miss you so much.. see you in 3 weeks!”

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Whatever!

I am just going to briefly explain the past two letters that I have written before I reach the main concern I have at the moment. The letters were written to no one. They were not sent to anyone. They were thoughts of hatered I had towards some and I have written it really as an open letter to those who are willing to listen. The first letter was directed to a guy. Obviously some of you believe it was to “him.” On the contrary, it was not. The latter was sent as a general plea of hatred towards someone. Who that person is; no clue. I left it genderless. It could be a great letter to use against a girl as well for those males who have endured such a pit fall in love that made you hate as much as I have.

Enough of those letters. They were mere thoughts from the past and letters that I should have written in the past. However, my conscious left me to believe that being a positive careless individual will save me harm in the future. Obviously, that was not the case. It made me a cruel hateful person. I don’t even know what a joyful emotion feels anymore. I don’t think I want to.

As of today, I noticed how much I cannot control my emotions to the point where there are a fog of events permeating around me that I do not understand. One thing I don’t like about work is the politics and private talks amongst others. It disturbs me and want me to hate every moment I spend at work. I cannot work in an environment where things are done in secrecy. Things are done without my knowledge to hurt me. One thing I cannot understand is why people think they want to help me. I do not need help. I never did and I never will. I managed all these years without any help. Why now? Why the concern all of a sudden?

I am not at work now. I left out of anger and haterd of the place. I couldn’t fathom the thought of me sitting there anymore. I left to drink coffee. I broke my fast out of anger and I needed something to calm me down. I also bought a huge bar of fudge and devoured it in 2 seconds. I couldn’t think anymore. I was mad. Furious beyond beliefe.

After all these year, after working so hard trying to perfect what I do to the best of my abilities, I am told that I will be requiring help. What an insult! Me asking for help? I said no, however, they carried on with looking for help. Why? Because my say is wortheless. My opinions are worthless.

If I wanted help I would be a manager. I wouldn’t even call it help. It would be, as my professor has said about the real world, “bosses are smart people who need help carrying on a project, so they hire someone smarter to do the work for them.” Did I ask that I needed someone to help me with the work? Am I not smart enough to do it on my own? I can’t work with others. I tried. I was rediculed and made fun of. My work meant nothing. In the past, the smarter person, as they thought they were, thought that my work was beneath theirs. What happend to them? They left, fired, quit and I was left behind to redo the work that I would have happily done by my self in the beginning. Remember the politics? The thing I hate most and I can’t stand is that word. Waste of people, waste of money, waste of years to have others help me. Yes, they helped. In reality they did. The more work they did, the more time after their depature I had to endure to redo it all. You can say I won in the end. But on whose account? It did not make me feel better. Not one bit.

How long has this been going on really? I would say 2 or 3 years. Didn’t anyone realize that I am capable of doing anything. I am too smart for my own good that I scare my self sometimes. I don’t care where I work, how long I work. I have suffered in the most work consumed degree in the University. I am the only one at work who has a University degree and have suffered sleepless nights for such a degree. Work related projects are non-sense compared to what I had to do. Work is my pleasure and that pleasure is taken away from me on a daily basis.

I never asked or complained about the work load other than the incident I had with a highly educated lady who thought she can control me as her pawn due to her education and power. I am no one’s pawn. However, I guess the more you lower your self to stay in one job for so many years without a promotion, without proper consideration of one’s work, being a pawn is merciful.

After all these years, and having to suffer daily on the account of other’s lack of commitment and work ethics, I have to endure more of it.

So I guess hiring someone to be my help is like asking me not to do the work, let someone else do it and get the credit for it, and I will sit there and watch them glee of joy at their accomplishments, and I sitting back wondering how long before they fire me. Or, as I learned and witnessed in the past. I will watch the down fall of another person and wonder then if I should glee of joy or pity their wasted efforts.

I will just wait and see. I won’t work on any projects anymore. I will wait and see what will happen. Let them hire another person. Let them do all the work as I watch them, and I will see then what it means to be slowly replaced. At least I will just sit there for the next few weeks till the end of the year looking for another job because I had enough. My heart, my brain, my entire being is not heart to heart with this job anymore. It died today while I with held it for so long. For so long I tried to remember the reason why I was hired in the first place. All the events that made me on the edge of quitting 10, 20, 30 times. My patience was beyond imagination. However, it all died today. It just died.

Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!

My old sorrow,

As I read your reply to my letter I noticed that you will never change. Will never open your heart to me as I have done so to you. You are masked behind a veil of lies and treachery. Is this what the days have done to you? It made you a coward hiding behind layers of deep lies. I have never fathomed this day where I have to read a reply filled with mockery and ill will. I never till this day thought that I could have once loved such a person.

As days passed, months passed, I only saw a faded light. Where it began I have no clue. Where it ended, I could not see. I just wished that my eye sight hadn’t forsaken me. I don’t know really what you expected from me. Did you want me to beg you to take me back to your life? Did you want me to beg you to give me back an ounce of happiness I have longed for all these years?

I will never beg. I will never bow down to you or any other human. Who do you think you are? You are a mere memory. Something that I have forgotten long ago. Why did you come back? Why did you write me a letter filled with lies. Were you hoping that I am still as naive as you hoped? Did you think that I was helpless and alone without you. I think not. I will never think that you, of all beings, is worth this agony.

I shall say it once and for all. I shall tell you and tell you again, that love is blind. It blinded you and I to the point where hatred splurged from beneath our veins. It made our inner soul cry of hatred. Cry of disgust.

So let me be. Let the days tell us what is in store for the future. You cannot judge what it will be. Who are you? You are not any better than that person standing over there. Or that person laying there. No matter who you think you are. In the end, I will always be who I am, and I don’t need to live a life of lies to prove my worth to others. I don’t need to tell lies to bestow my love to others. I don’t need to tell lies to masque my true self to the one I love.

I am lucky. I will never be like you. Never. 

-Mona

Random Thoughts, They said what?