My brain is very numb at the moment. I am so out of sync with life and uncaring right now. I am at work and I just can’t convince my brain to do anything. (Suffering from a bad migraine that won’t go away.) I haven’t done anything for a few days. I look at my work. Open it up, I got all the design and everything done and ready to implement, but I can’t put one and one together. I don’t know why. I am just not in the mood to do anything constructive and with a purpose. I look at my work and I say, “meh. Who cares?” Who cares?? OMG I am turning to a slob worker that I HATE. I am becoming one of those people who I keep complaining about, “THE USELESS UNCARING WORKERS!” Dear Lord help me! I am turning into a real sloth now!
I have been trying to do anything and convince my self to do my work. Meh. Nothing. Even for my class, I look at my homework, which is very time consuming projects and I just don’t care. What happened to me? I think that trip to the psychologist on Monday has really weakened my brain and not helped at all. I think I got struck by reality and made me even more depressed realizing how empty my life is and I was just living in denial all this time.
I just don’t understand how this happened.
Also the past two nights I have tried to just take sleeping pills and sleep for 7 hours a night. I wake up even more drowsy and tired and uncaring. Now I am suffering from a headache as well. The good thing about sleeping pills is that I don’t dream at all at night. I guess it just puts me dead asleep which is awesome. However, the after effects are not that great. I am not going to take them tonight and see if I have normal Mona energy tomorrow.
With all the sugar and the caffeine my body has consumed the past day or two, and nothing. No effect at all. Did my brain become immune now to the best things on earth that keep me awake, motivated, happy, and unlike my true self? I don’t like my true self. I am very boring, pessimistic, and moody in real life which I don’t like. That’s why I tried and I tried. At this rate and with my mental therapy sessions, I will start becoming more and more like my true self no matter what I do. Maybe I should just go to a real psychologist and pay $100+ an hour so they can give me drugs to make me bubbly and happy. I want something to stimulate my brain and give me a motive to be alive.
Alive I say? I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts in months, and I don’t have a reason to do so like I used to. I think I am more happier being alive now. I think that is the reason why I decided to get help. Yet, the more I want to get help, the more I feel depressed of the truth.
Thinking of it, I remembered a movie title of a movie I never saw, but the movie title stuck to my head, “Reality Bites.” Reality not only bites, but fucking stinks.
The reason we really suffer in this world is because we don’t have the mental and emotional drive to deal with complicated human beings. We also never like what we have and want things to always be different than what they are. Why can’t we ever be satisfied with anything? Really. I want to be happy. I want to wake up one day and say, “I feel happy.”
I am going to just become a mimic of the movie “The Pursuit of Happyness.” That movie was just plain amazing. I wish I had that much drive in my life and ignore everything around me and keep my head in one spot and aim for one thing.
What is that thing? I still have to figure out what I really want that will make me happy.
I wish I knew. I really wish I knew what will make me happy.