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November 23, 2007 @ 11:03 pm | 3 comments

Tame me and I will sufficate.

By: Mona
.......................


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freedom1.jpgOne thing I can’t stand in life is being tied down to anything. I want a level of freedom where I can make my own choices and I finalize my decisions and no one else can stop me. I hate also hanging at the end of the rope and not knowing if I am going to fall or climb back up. The worst feeling on this earth is being unstable and tied to this instability. I wish I could just be free and not have to worry about anything. I tried so hard the past few weeks to just hide my feelings, forget my current situation and think positive. It works for a day or two and unconditionally starts again.

My anger level has reached maximum. I cannot stand being me right now. I don’t think anyone wants to be in my situation. I have numerous times to tell my brain to shut up. Like today, who in the world sleeps at work? **raising my hand depressingly!** I can’t even look at the computer screen anymore or think to do anything productive. My level of enthusiasm to learn new things or even do anything productive has decreased so much. I feel like I am suffering from a fatal illness and I am going to die soon. I feel like who cares what I do or accomplish or learn anymore, no use. No one will care or remember me by anything I have ever accomplished in my life. I have to be useful and do something. I am just suffocating this way. No one understands how much I hate being useless. I have spent my entire life trying to accomplish something on a daily basis. Either school, clubs, or work. Now, I just don’t know what to do.

I am just going insane. I am really suffering from depression and hateful of my life. I want to do something and be something. That’s my problem. It’s my Capricorn curse! I hate being who I am sometimes because I can never control my actions at all. I can’t control anything. It drives me insane.

Enough of my rants.

So I spent all evening trying to read up on blog advertisement and joined many blog networks to promote my blog. I just got tired of having almost one particular group of audience that visit me from Arab aggregates. I don’t talk much about Arab issues and I want to communicate with so many people out there.

Also in the new year, if I didn’t go completely insane by then, I will change the blog template. Until then, I will have to figure out a new template to create from scratch. Although I love this template because I spent 3 days making it and testing it, but I got to change. Change is always good.

What else am I thinking? Hmm. I don’t know. I lost my level of concentration and thought. My brain is always in different directions and I can never focus. I don’t even know what focus is! So sad. I know. I don’t remember the last time I focused on anything. I think once I tried and I ended up with a really bad migraine. I don’t want to focus again.

End note.. this is one of my favorite songs I have ever heard in my life. So amazing. I always love listening to it. The words are amazing and make my heart melt.. lool



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Blah Blah, My taste of Music, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!

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Comments (3) Trackbacks (0)
  1. chikapappi
    November 24th, 2007 at 06:12 | #1
    Reply | Quote

    well, am feeling the same & it’s not fun anymore! we should think of something to shake this stupid feeling off :$ – awwal shee the job woman! I have to leave soon!

    The song is great! yeeee men zamaaaan masme3ta!

  2. Sapphire
    November 24th, 2007 at 19:47 | #2
    Reply | Quote

    I know the feeling. No one likes being idle and feeling useless. It is bad for you mentally and can lower your self-confidence. If you are feeling like this now, I hate to think how you will be feeling if you don’t get a job before your contract is up. Let’s hope you get something before the end of December. You need to psyche yourself up for your interview on Monday. You need to be giving yourself pep talks and banishing those negatives thoughts from your head. It is too bad you couldn’t have rescheduled that interview for another day when you did not have as much on your plate. Oh well consider it a challenge to be met. Some sugar and caffeine might get you going Monday as well as listening to some happy music. Athletes prepare themselves mentally for a game and you should do the same for Monday. Just visualize yourself doing everything well and acing everything. :grin:

  3. Mona
    November 24th, 2007 at 19:49 | #3
    Reply | Quote

    yep.. that’s my game plan.. where did you steal do from sapphire? :D

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