Tame me and I will sufficate.
One thing I can’t stand in life is being tied down to anything. I want a level of freedom where I can make my own choices and I finalize my decisions and no one else can stop me. I hate also hanging at the end of the rope and not knowing if I am going to fall or climb back up. The worst feeling on this earth is being unstable and tied to this instability. I wish I could just be free and not have to worry about anything. I tried so hard the past few weeks to just hide my feelings, forget my current situation and think positive. It works for a day or two and unconditionally starts again.
My anger level has reached maximum. I cannot stand being me right now. I don’t think anyone wants to be in my situation. I have numerous times to tell my brain to shut up. Like today, who in the world sleeps at work? **raising my hand depressingly!** I can’t even look at the computer screen anymore or think to do anything productive. My level of enthusiasm to learn new things or even do anything productive has decreased so much. I feel like I am suffering from a fatal illness and I am going to die soon. I feel like who cares what I do or accomplish or learn anymore, no use. No one will care or remember me by anything I have ever accomplished in my life. I have to be useful and do something. I am just suffocating this way. No one understands how much I hate being useless. I have spent my entire life trying to accomplish something on a daily basis. Either school, clubs, or work. Now, I just don’t know what to do.
I am just going insane. I am really suffering from depression and hateful of my life. I want to do something and be something. That’s my problem. It’s my Capricorn curse! I hate being who I am sometimes because I can never control my actions at all. I can’t control anything. It drives me insane.
Enough of my rants.
So I spent all evening trying to read up on blog advertisement and joined many blog networks to promote my blog. I just got tired of having almost one particular group of audience that visit me from Arab aggregates. I don’t talk much about Arab issues and I want to communicate with so many people out there.
Also in the new year, if I didn’t go completely insane by then, I will change the blog template. Until then, I will have to figure out a new template to create from scratch. Although I love this template because I spent 3 days making it and testing it, but I got to change. Change is always good.
What else am I thinking? Hmm. I don’t know. I lost my level of concentration and thought. My brain is always in different directions and I can never focus. I don’t even know what focus is! So sad. I know. I don’t remember the last time I focused on anything. I think once I tried and I ended up with a really bad migraine. I don’t want to focus again.
End note.. this is one of my favorite songs I have ever heard in my life. So amazing. I always love listening to it. The words are amazing and make my heart melt.. lool
Blah Blah, My taste of Music, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!
Now she is pissing me off and she is going behind my back and trying to slowly wanting to meet him. I told her to stop it, he is a big time player and just nice to look at. I was very blunt about the whole thing out of jealousy and said, “if you dare go out with him or anything beyond that, I will not speak to you again!” She keeps denying it and says no no, I am just having fun with emails. I am like whatever. She is seriously crossing the line and I am very pissed. I wonder why she is doing it. Our of curiosity? Who knows. All I know is, she will end up with him because she is very pretty and very flirty and guys seem to like her a lot and she goes out at night and doesn’t care. 
How unfair.. 
One thing that is worse than that annoying cricket that lives outside my window is the sound of kids talking and talking none stop. I don’t know if I ever mentioned this, but I do not like kids because they are in that curious stage where they want to know the reason for everything that is said or done. They don’t understand that yes and no can be a sufficient answer. They are loud, obnoxious, ask too many questions and expect an answer right away with no buts or ifs. I love kids when they are quiet, but shutting up a kid is not very easy. Screaming won’t work, slapping won’t work, but violent reaction and bribing works!
