Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

It’s funny how people here talk freely about drugs and stuff. To me I would never even think about trying any of that junk. However, many people here smoke like crazy since high school before the legal smoking age. I always wondered what was up with smoking. Why are people addicted to that crap?

In my first year of University, the people I hung out with, Arab girls, were smoking in secret. All over University they would have hiding spots so no one can see them smoking. We used to call each other and the person smoking would say, “I am in spot 54.” We obviously all knew where that is.

They did it in secret because they didn’t want anyone to see them practicing this horrible habit. One time I was in a very bad mood and I needed something to calm me down. My friends said, “here, take a cigaratte.” Peer pressure? Yep. They lit it up for me and I inhaled it.

I coughed violently and fell on the ground and said, “Fucking stupid piece of shit. That’s not right! How the hell you put this shit in your lungs. I rather suffer from depression than have to inhale this crap. It’s like walking into a tire factory.” So I threw it out and they screamed at me and said, “noooooooo.. don’t step on it!! We can use it later!”

Whatever.

My Ex was a heavy smoker him self that it was more than disgusting. I couldn’t stand and at one point I told him that I am allergic to smoke and I can’t stand the smell. I will die!

To me, the most disgusting thing on earth is smoke. I can’t stand it and I don’t even stand anywhere near people who smoke. Isn’t it disgusting? No offense to addicted smokers, I just can’t stand the smell.

Then there was coffee. The heavy caffeinated drink. The funny thing I didn’t start drinking coffee till second year of my University life. I was a sporadic drinker. It wasn’t my thing. I slowly got used to it from not sleeping for many days doing assignments. It became a bad habit. As I started working it became worse. As I am always at work by 8 am, coffee seems to be my morning cure. It is the only thing that will make my day more tolerable. It sucks. One time I stopped drinking coffee for two days, and I ended up with the biggest migraine. I finally realized I am addicted. I am ADDICTED TO COFFEE!

Certain times in the past couple of years I was addicted to sleeping pills. I am trying to control it by making my self really tired and using up all my energy for the day. It’s better to be dead tired and go right to bed, then sitting in bed trying to go to sleep.

Finally, my sweetest addiction, Coca Cola. I drink it daily about 2 or 3 time a day. I am addicted. I can’t go a day without it. One time we didn’t have cola and I made my dad go to the store and buy me some or else I would have gone crazy. I can’t help it. I am addicted to it. More than my sweet tooth to fudge. Fudge is my depression cure. I eat it about 2 or 3 times a month. That’s all.

Today, December 1, 2007 is World’s Aids day. Spread the word.

Disclaimer: the answers are pure sarcasm and I was really bored from writing a report about Software Requirements. I don’t suggest you take tips from me because you will never get hired. Well, maybe Microsoft for being such an honest and lazy worker who ends up making crappy buggy software!

1. Tell me about your self.

I am a foreigner who needs a job desperately. Will you provide me a worker’s visa? I need one to legally work here. Mine will expire within a month.

2. I didn’t ask if you were a foreigner, was it necessary to tell us? Also, we can provide worker’s visa if we found your skills suitable.

Yes, I had to tell you because I was told I was a minority and my last name is hard to pronounce. Also my first name is pronounced with a ‘q’ and not a ‘k’. So I thought it was necessary to put everything out in the open. I also need you to pay for the Visa, not just provide it, because I am broke. I spent my last 10 dollars for the taxi cab to get here. Why is this company not on a bus route?

3. Why are you interested in this job position?

I need a job and I am interested in anything that has to do with computers and will provide me a pay cheque in the end of the month. *smirk* I told you I was broke.

4. The job requires that you must have great people skills because you will be working with many people on various projects. Can you handle different people?

Hmm. No. If someone pisses me off I will just smack them and tell them to f-off. It works great. People will begin to fear you, and you end up being a manager!

5. So you want to move up the ranks in our organization and become a manager?

Yes. Isn’t that how most organizations work? Everyone becomes a manager within a year by sucking up? I can suck up and say, “hello boss, nice shirt you got there. Your wife looked sexy last night at the dinner party.”

6. Where do you currently work and how long have you been there?

I have been a programmer for 23 months for a company that went out of business from selling overly priced software to consumers who can get something else that works better for free.

7. Do you consider your self successful in your field of work?

No. If I was, then my current company wouldn’t have gone out of business.

8. How could you have prevented your company from going out of business?

I was payed $120,000 for a year to make software that no one wanted to pay $15,000 a unit for anymore. I did the job of 3 people at my company.

9. You did the job of 3 people?

Yes. What’s wrong with that? I am multi-tasking. I did management, human resources, and software development.

10. So you have management experience?

Yes. I managed everything and the company.

11. It was your own company?

Yes. That’s why I was getting payed a lot. I sold 8 units last year to a start up company. They were happy. But they refused to pay for maintenance and upgrades this year and no one else wanted to buy it.

12. Why didn’t you hire more people and made the price of the software a lot less?

You asked me if I had people skills. I said no. I told all the high school kids to stop programming for me and told them to f-off for playing with my Playstation and taking food from my refrigerator during work hours. I also needed to make money quick to go on my annual trip to Vegas and I spent many hours coding. I estimated my work time at $75 an hour.

13. What is your educational background?

I used to be a high school teacher, but I got fired after my first 3 months and then I started a software company. I got the high school kids to work for me in exchange of “goods and services.”

14. So you don’t have a computer or any technology background?

No, I said I was a high school teacher. I taught Economics.

15. Why do you want to work for our organization?

The job add said you will pay $55,000 to test software. That’s a lot for making sure it will run on Windows. What will I be doing the rest of the year?

16. Thank you for taking the time to come here for an interview. We will contact you next week with an answer.

Can you make it sooner, I need to start this Thursday so I can get paid before the end of the month and pay my Satellite bill before collections start hounding me. It’s a huge bill with all those pay per view orders I made last month from the Sports channel.

17. Ok, we will contact you with a final answer tomorrow morning.

Thank you. See you Thursday.