My best friend, who I met from my blog about two years ago is born the same day as me, but a year after me. So she decided that it would be fun to come here and make a birthday party for both of us. She invited her gang, and I invited pretty much everyone that lives here using Facebook events. I don’t have many Facebook friends because I don’t find it necessary to add everyone and anyone for the sake of numbers. Anyways, I was thinking, birthday, great. I will be turning 27 in a couple of weeks, and I thought to my self, what the hell have I accomplished?
Nothing. I feel useless and I did nothing in my life to progress in any way. I am almost 27, and have a useless degree that people laugh at. Anyone who has any programming skills can do the job that I am doing. Just practice and work hard. That’s all. As for talent, and education, then nothing. I think the problem is that I am girl and a programmer. I get treated second class.
I mean honestly, what the hell was wrong with me when I decided to study this shit? I was happy and content being a Biology major. Doing lab work and having more of a social life. Now, I look at my life and what I did to it and I feel beyond depressed with my self. I have no life. I sit on the computer all day, and I can’t have a normal conversation with anyone. It’s like I forgot to talk. Also, I am always angry, moody, and just want to punch something. It’s like I am full with anger and rage all the time. Is this the side effects of being a programmer?
Now, as I am approaching my 27th birthday, I feel disgusted with what I have turned into.
Also, work is not getting any better. Work is fine in the morning, but once it hits noon, the boys just want to play computer games. It’s fine for an hour.. then it turns to two.. three.. four.. bam. Afternoon gone. I can’t concentrate doing my work since I am not that great at flash ActionScript and I am trying to learn it as quickly as I am developing a full fledged game. I just find it really hard to concentrate.
Also, why am I still working? No clue. I was told by my boss that if I make a demo, then there is a potential of getting donations for it. I am thinking. Good. I got something to look forward to. However, I don’t know if that will sustain only me or I am working to keep my co-workers employed too. Do they deserve the work? They don’t even want to do flash or anything. Just want to play games all afternoon and not care while I am doing so much work and learning in such a short amount of time. It is really making me depressed that I got a field of white hair the past couple of days at my forehead from the stress. Also, my neck was killing me all morning that I couldn’t move it. I never felt pain in my neck before. It is usually my back. But my neck seriously hurt.
I felt really sick and depressed. I left work and went to Taco Bell and I got my self a big bag of chips after. I am now eating it with my second can of coke. Great life I got eh?
I have nothing to look forward to. My contract ends in 23 days and there is no sign and no word of my status. My life sucks and I am sick of it. I want a job that is stable that doesn’t cause me such daily depressive moods.